The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

Patience

I have to believe that one of the reasons I was unable to get pregnant until I did was because God had decided that I didn't truly understand the meaning of patience and that He didn't want me to really blow it with my firstborn.

It isn't like I'm so old and wise now that I don't make hot-headed judgement calls but when I think about my life and my style even six years ago I realize that I have done quite a bit of growing up and maybe, just maybe that was the whole point of this.

I believe by nature that I am a passionate person. I do everything with energy and I believe wholeheartedly in committing myself fully to every task I engage in. That sounds great, in theory. Until you believe so passionately in something that you wind up crying in frustration when it is out of your control or arguing to no end because you don't understand why others don't see your point.

A co-worker from Costa Rica once told me in his pretty good but still broken English, "Jenny, you just like to fight". I was actually taken aback. "That's not true, V".  His response? "Yes, yes, you just like to fight." Hmm. After I was done fighting with him over it the truth of the statement hit me. I was so passionate and lived with so little patience or tolerance that I indeed had turned myself into the uncontrollable person that needed to impress upon others my opinions and ways of doing things. I'll be damned, but I did like to fight.

At the time I was still pretty young- maybe 23 or 24. I was going to set the world on fire. It wasn't long after that that I realized I could set the world on fire without blowing my fuse and I have gradually evolved into a much more tolerant person.

But maybe that is the lesson I was being taught all along. I can only speculate what kind of parent I would have been if I had my children at that age, before I had done any growing up myself. I'm not old by any stretch and I still have lots of learning to do but having my first baby at 31 really isn't all that bad. It means that I have outgrown my party-all-weekend days. I have outgrown my need to shove my college diploma in the faces of coworkers to prove that I have paid my dues. I have however grown into a rock solid relationship with a man I absolutely adore, one that makes me laugh every single day and who I still love to hold hands with. I have grown into the familiarity and comfort of owning a home with a big fat (and still somewhat scary) mortgage. I have grown into the habit of funding our 401k before we plan vacations or major purchases.

I know that having my baby at this age will probably be more physically taxing on me than had I had children in my early twenties but instead of being angry or bitter about it I am grateful.

I am grateful for having had the opportunity to do all those wild and crazy things without having any regrets. I didn't miss out on anything in my life. The last few years that I thought I was missing out when everyone else was having children and I was infertile? Those  were just the last few years that God needed in order to put the finishing touches on my patience.

Now that I have been through those few years and I thought my patience was completely worn through I believe I can easily reach into my "patience reserves" for my child or children without running out. I will be a better parent for it, I'm sure that much is true. And I'm honestly happy to be where I am at in my life.

So, God, if You are listening- thank You for knowing me and understanding me better than I know or understand myself. I know You have a plan for everyone and while I may not always agree with the plan I want to thank You for planning this the way You did for me. I won't let You down.

A kick to the ribs

Up until now the baby has been located head down, with it's knees folded up on my left side- somewhere around my belly button. It would stretch out it's feet and I would see them poking out on my left side about halfway between my belly button and my rib cage. I knew that I could put my hand on it and expect to feel movement there within moments.

I know the head is in the down position because the hiccups come from way down below. They don't rock my whole tummy like some stories I have heard, they are rhythmic little bumps that come from just near my right hip bone usually- and sometimes (although not often) they come from my lower middle. It was comforting to me to always know what part of my baby was located where in my uterus.

I don't know what the heck I did last night but the baby has somehow shifted and I don't know if I like it's new position. Somehow the legs and feet have gone from the left to the right, and they have stretched a little higher too.

So today I'm in a meeting and the baby gives me a swift kick to the right rib. It caught me so off guard I jumped in my seat a little. Of course, my co-managers at work know all about my early contractions and my psychosomatic illnesses and apparently the look on my face was enough to send both of them scrambling to check if I was ok.

Sure, I was ok, just surprised and a little out of breath from the intensity and location of the kick. Not but one minute later, same thing. And then again. I'm wondering if it somehow got stuck and was shaking it's foot just trying to get loose. This went on for probably five minutes or so and let me tell you, it wasn't all that cute. Remember that pain that I have on the right side? Every time the baby gives me a jab to the ribs that pain in my right side catches and not only do I have a rib to try and protect but also an unknown organ that screams out in pain.

So just out of the sake of curiosity I guess I am going to have to try and Google something stupid like "repositioning baby in uterus". I'll let you know if there are any good websites out there to help with the challenge.

Thirty two weeks pregnant

Tomorrow marks thirty two weeks. People, if you have been with me since February you probably didn't think I would make it to thirty two weeks because I know I didn't think I would make it that far. For heaven's sake, I thought anything and everything could go wrong- you name it- ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, incompetent cervix.

So far, the only real problem I have had with my pregnancy is that unexplained pain in my lower right side. But if you listen to my husband it is just psychosomatic anyway and isn't a real problem. Oh yeah, and my feet hurt so bad that sometimes I wonder if crawling would feel better- but I think that has something to do with carrying around a little extra weight and the fact that our entire ground floor of our house is tile. Don't listen to people that tell you that tile isn't harder on your feet- I swear to you it is.

I read through my first few posts on this blog for the hell of it. It cracks me up to see that the day before I got a positive home pregnancy test I was describing myself as moody, irritable, and tired. For some reason I don't remember having any "symptoms" before actually finding out I was pregnant. It is amazing how the pregnancy can wipe away your memory.

So let's see, where are we at? Thirty two weeks into a seemingly healthy pregnancy. We don't know the gender of our baby but we have seen all of it's moving parts, several times thanks to my psychosomatic illnesses. I'm tired but not exhausted- still putting in an average of nine hours a day at work. I can still clean my own house (although I would like to tell my husband I can't and we need to hire the housekeeper back). I can still drive my stick shift car, although it is a little more difficult after eating a large meal. I have gained a respectable twenty pounds since my first weigh-in so I guess I'm right on track to gain that 25-30 pounds that they tell you is good for you. I've had contractions due to irritable uterus since the sixteen week mark, but I have heard an old wives tale that the more contractions you have before actually going into labor the easier your labor will be. I'm going to believe in that one for the sake of living in a rosy world.

I have my nursery all set up with furniture and everything. I registered at Babies R Us. Neither one of those events caused the world or my pregnancy to come crashing down around me so I guess I'm good there.

Really, all in all, thirty two weeks pregnant feels pretty damn good. The one thing that scares me at this point is not that something could go wrong, it is that I knew I would procrastinate to get everything done and then need to rush and here I am, looking at the diminishing weekends between now and my due date.

First I couldn't wait to hit this point and now I'm saying "Slow down!". Seriously, I must be pregnant. There is no other explanation for my mania.

The cost of raising children

Now there is something that I should have figured out in an Excel spreadsheet before actually conceiving- just what is the true cost of raising children? So far I'm still pretty ignorant, so let me list a few of the things that I somewhat aware of. I will have to do some research and get back to you on whether I was even remotely close or not.

Diapers- approximately 10.00 every five days (while the baby is still small)

Food- I am going to assume that I can breastfeed because otherwise my head might spin around in circles thinking about the cost of formula.

Childcare- ouch- no idea? 200.00 a week?

Medicines, diaper rash creams, special shampoos and laundry detergents- umm- 15.00 a week?

Clothes- well- one little outfit at Target was 18.99 (I can buy an entire adult outfit for that price too when I shop carefully)- so let me guess, baby clothes will probably cost me about 200-250.00 a month, on average

Toys- can I teach my children to play with sticks, rocks and other random stuff? Probably not. Then toys are something I can't even begin to estimate an expense for. I'll have to check back on that.

So at the bare minimum I'm probably looking at about 1200.00 a month - for an infant. Hmm. Even if I cut out all of my pedicures for an entire year I wouldn't be able to pay for the cost of having a baby for one month. Let me rethink how long I will be out on unpaid maternity leave...

Fetal Fibronectin Test

A fetal-what?

So yesterday was my standard checkup at the doctor. I have had contractions since about sixteen weeks- which was awful early to start Braxton-Hicks so it was determined they were more likely due to irritable uterus. At any rate, I'm used to them and I know what to do about them- empty my bladder first, drink lots of water next, and if all else fails, lay down and rest. No biggie.

However, the last week has been a little different. The contractions are still there, just coming much more frequently. Which is mighty inconvenient- as I am finding more often than not that lumbering around during an active contraction is pretty damn uncomfortable.

And then the last few days have been even worse. Two nights ago the contractions were constant, one would end and another one would start- for about two hours. Later that same night there was the addition of a crampy feeling in my lower abdomen whenever it would contract. It kept waking me up throughout the night but since I didn't have any other  pre-term labor symptoms I wasn't overly concerned.

I was however just concerned enough to tell the doctor about them. I mean, heck, this IS my first rodeo so I need to know exactly what the heck is going on down there. I love my doctor. This love for my doctor didn't blossom until I actually got pregnant mind you, because I always felt he was too laid back during my infertile days. But since actually becoming pregnant he has jumped to my every whim (even in his mellow laid-back way) and I love that. He performed a Fetal Fibronectin Test and then checked out my cervix (still looking firmly closed and nice and thick- glad to hear).

What exactly is a Fetal Fibronectin? Peace of mind for hypochondriacs like me. It is a simple swab test that they do that will indicate if you are at higher risk for going into active labor within the next two weeks. Here is a little clip I found online about it:

When lab technicians analyze your sample, they measure the amount of fetal fibronectin (fFN), a protein produced by the fetal membranes. This protein serves as the "glue" that attaches the fetal sac to the uterine lining. It's normally found in increased amounts in your vagina during the first half of pregnancy and again late in pregnancy as you near labor. But if fFN leaks from the uterus and more than a small amount shows up in the vagina too early (between 22 and 34 weeks), it may mean that the glue is disintegrating ahead of schedule because of contractions or an injury to the membranes.

So, the results were back today. And I'm negative, so not at risk for delivering within the next two weeks. Which is a sigh of relief for my boss because not only am I personally not ready to take off work, my team isn't ready to fully assume my responsibilities either. But seriously? What a neat little test. If only they could devise one that would tell you if you were at higher risk to conceive during a specific cycle. And I don't mean ovulation predictor kits either. Something a little more statistically significant. They could name their price and I could tick off at least twenty people right now that would buy the test. At least I can rest this weekend knowing that I'm not having my baby within the next two weeks.

Life, pre-pregnancy

To start with let me mention that I can't really remember much about my pre-pregnant life. I do remember that I used to sleep a solid eight hours a night, but couldn't tell you now exactly how that felt because I haven't done it in months and months.

I remember that I used to shop- ALOT- and never get tired. But I've already blogged that. I remember that I used to have coffee every morning and Dr. Pepper every afternoon. I couldn't recall exactly what a caffeine buzz feels like though.

I remember that I used to be able to brush my teeth or wash my hands without stretching to reach the faucet. Now that's a funny one. And the same thing happens when I need to reach the radio control knobs in my car- since my seat is now reclined a little more than it used to be.

And ahh, the good old days, I remember when we would have people over and enjoy a good drink or two. I can't remember what a nice cold beer tastes like, or a smooth glass of wine. So the timing of this pregnancy wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, since summer is our favorite time of year to hang out at the river with my best friend and her family. Since going to the river = drinking beer we haven't gone this summer. I'm bummed.

The good news is that my other favorite social drinking holiday will not be interrupted. We always put on the Thanksgiving Feast at our house where we invite all of our friends with no family nearby to come for a true Thanksgiving holiday. We have been hosting it for four years now and each year it becomes more endearing- particularly because we have now had much of the same crowd for the last couple of years.

Thanksgiving in our house means a great meal, and even more than that, great friendship. Add in about a case of great wine and you can imagine how much fun we have. So this year I am really looking forward to the Thanksgiving feast- particularly because I will be able to enjoy the wine. Every year we start off with about six bottles of our best stuff and before long we are perusing the remaining bottles in the wine fridge and hell, cracking them open as well.

I was wandering around stranger's blogs the other day and I found a great link. What a fantastic idea! This winery is promoting their wine through the internet and through blogs like mine. Although mine is not a blog dedicated to wine I'm still posting the information. Maybe we will see this winery at UNLVINO next year? If so, I will be there to sample one of everything they have. In the mean time, I'm going to give their 2004 Amelie a try. You should too- they will ship you a bottle to try for free if you live in certain states. Here's how!

I will be saving my special bottle of Amelie for my Thanksgiving Feast. I think it will be the first that we crack. I would say life will then return as I know it but as of eight months ago my life changed forever, never to again return to what I used to know. At least there will always be good wine!

From my husband's perspective-

So my husband knows I spend hours on the computer each week, both blogging and reading other blogs. I'm a nerd. He accepts that with grace. But he also worries some about exactly how much I am putting out on the internet I'm sure. Because he worries about the cautious things that normal people worry about, unlike myself.

It's so cute, I've shared with him that he can find my blog by typing in "dearjenn" on MSN. Tonight he typed it in and found me. I was waiting for some response on how he liked (or hated) my blog.

Me: "So, did you read my blog?"

Him: "I don't have to read your blog, I live it."

I'm chuckling to myself all over again. Isn't that the truth? I guess it's just funny to hear it from him in that matter of fact way. And I guess there is the real difference between guys and girls. Here is my diary, written all over the internet, and he could really care less about checking it religiously.

Every single day with him is still an adventure and after six years of marriage he still makes me laugh like no other. And I love that he is able to live my blog without killing me. This one is for you sweetie!

Dear Mommy

There are few people in life that really know me through and through. I have to give credit to L- someone who has been a constant in my life since the seventh grade. We moved around quite a bit and yet L was always in touch and NEVER forgot my birthday. (more than I can say about his) He was my shoulder to cry on and my best friend. Still to this day, eighteen years later and across the country from each other he still knows how to give the best advice. This showed up in my e-mail today and had me crying at work, as a matter of fact it has me crying as I read it through again. Thanks L- I love you!

Mommy,

By some strange quirk I was able to read your blog.  Maybe it's because I'm so in tune with you right now I can hear your thoughts.  With every new comment you make I think you couldn't love me any more than you currently do, and then you prove me wrong with your next comment.  I know how hard it was for you and daddy to bring me to this world, and I cannot wait to meet you both in person and hope to become the person you want me to be.  God smiled at me the day he sent me down to you, so I know He put me in the best hands.

In answer to your question, yes I can feel you and daddy and all the others that love me not only touching me, but also I can hear the caring voices.  I may not always show it when the baby doctors take my pictures but I am always smiling because I can sense the love (and by the way, could you ask them to not push that thing so hard into your tummy, it really gets into my personal space!).  And know that I am not freaking out in here.  The darkness does not bother me because I know what's in store for me in a short time and how great that first light will be, and the 3 am movement?  Well I'm sorry about that, but I have to get comfy too, and frankly I don't think your bladder is quite as soft as a down pillow.  :)

I am so excited to meet you, daddy, the cats, and all my relatives and your friends.  I can't wait to have you teach me about life, love and everything in between.  I look forward to playing with you and daddy.  I cannot promise that I will always listen and mind, that I won't talk back, that I won't get in trouble.  But I know heading in to this that everything you say and do will be because you love me.  And know that no matter what I might say and do, I love you and daddy right back.  And I will always try to make you proud of me by doing the very best I can in all things.   Frankly, I don't want to ever be a better person than you because I don't think that level could be achieved.  All I want is to come as close as possible to being the child/friend/coworker/spouse/ and parent that you and daddy are.  That to me will be a perfect life. 

I love you mommy. See you really soon!

Baby.

P.S.  The guy sending you this thing? He's a little nuts, but one good "formerly fertilized" egg. I had to have him send it because you haven't taught me yet to actually send an email.  I can write one, but not send it.  Go figure.

P.P.S.  I want to apologize now for any and all pain that my entrance to the world will bring.  I will try my hardest to do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Operation Common Thread

For those that haven't heard, there is a fantastic way to spread the word about the dirty word no one likes to say aloud- INFERTILITY. Why is it such a shameful thing? Why is it that we all hide it from our friends and family like we have done something wrong? This isn't within our control and maybe, just maybe, if more people knew about it and understood it we wouldn't have to resort to hiding our feelings and blandly responding when asked if we are ever planning to have children.

So, courtesy of Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters there is now a movement called "Operation Common Thread. And to explain it best I have cut and pasted directly from their website:

For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile...there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It's rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.

As someone who has had 5 m/c but am currently 5 months pregnant (YEAH), I wonder who looks at my big belly with sadness because they are in the month-to-month struggle. I mentioned to a friend that I wished there was some secret nod or international sign as if to say, this belly was hardwon. Well, she posted this quandary on her blog (http://www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/) and the response has been quite overwhelming...and a movement has been born!

The pomegranate-colored thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through any means, natural or A.R.T., families created through adoption or surrogacy, or couples trying to conceive during infertility or secondary infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware. Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasingthis pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others. Just thought I would pass the word along!

I struggled with the thought, should I wear the bracelet or not? I mean, I struggled with unexplained infertility for almost two years. I didn't actually have to resort to ART, we miraculously wound up pregnant before taking those steps. So, am I really entitled? And then I decided, what the heck, those twenty months were no less heartbreaking or stressful for me than they are for someone going through IUI or IVF. The sense of failure is always the same- no matter the path.

And I too want other infertile people to know that they are not alone. Yes, I am pregnant, but I have also been on the outside looking in. And I want them to know that they are not alone, this is not shameful, and they don't have any control over it. I am not judging them and I would hope they would not judge me either. So I plan to get my pomegranate string and friendship tie it just like I used to in sixth grade. Then when people ask I can proudly explain Operation Common Thread. And maybe, just maybe, the fertile crowd will understand the infertile issues. Maybe someday the gap between the two will lessen and people will be able to look at each other with compassion and understanding instead of judgement or frustration.

I'm getting my floss, get yours too.

Dear Baby,

August 21, 2006

Dear Baby,

I often wonder how strong the link between mother and unborn child really is. I wonder if you really know just how much you are loved and wanted, and yet have not even entered our world yet. I wonder if you can sense that you were conceived of love and will be raised with tender hands.

I am sure that you don't know how stressful it was in the beginning months, not to mention the months prior to that of wishing you into existence. The days of worry- is this little twinge normal? Is my baby ok? Am I eating enough of the right foods? Am I resting and providing a nurturing environment for my newly conceived baby? And I hope that you never have to know stresses like those, I want to protect you and watch over you and do everything within my power to make your life right.

I wonder if, when you are moving around in there trying to get comfortable you can feel my touch and it calms you. I wonder if you hear my voice and know that everything I do is for you. I wonder if you are worried when it is dark and I am sleeping. And yet, when you move around at three am and I wake, I wonder if you realize that I will always be there to comfort you no matter what time it is.

I think about you every day, all day. Your movement is as reassuring to me as I hope that one day my touch is to you. I wonder if you are a boy or a girl. And I already love you either way. I wonder if you will look like your dad, and I hope that you do. I wonder how our lives will change when you enter it, and I think about the ways our lives have already changed in just under eight months.

I want you to know, even if you don't understand it for many years, that you are everything to me, to us. We wanted to have you so much that the love in our hearts kept us trying for nearly two years. We would have gone to any lengths to bring you into our lives and we are so excited and anxious to experience the milestones in your life.

I will give you everything I have to give, my love, devotion, patience. I will teach you everything I know and I will hope that you can take my experiences and become a better person than me. I know you will make me proud, many times in my life. I will think that there is no one that can top you, and I will honestly believe that you will be anything you want to be.

And I will be there for you, every single step of the way.

Love, Your Mommy

Baby Furniture

Today was a productive day for my husband and his friends. They spent the better part of the day assembling the changer/dresser combo and dresser for the nursery. I feel like a kid at Christmas- even though I can't play with the new toys there are still new toys to look at.

It is so exciting to watch it all come together. Just the fact that there is actual baby furniture in that room is a real jolt, and the thought that in only two more months a baby will be accompanying the furniture makes me giddy.

I wanted to sit in the nursery for the rest of the afternoon after they got the furniture all set up, just to be there. I am the least patient person I know, and now that the basics in the room are there I really want to accessorize. Unfortunately, I registered for all of the accessories and it wouldn't be wise for me to go out and buy things like the hamper, the lamp, and the mobile. But after September 9th if I don't have all the doo-dads you can bet I will be at Babies R Us loading up!

It's hard for me to focus on anything other than the baby nursery today so instead of a repetitious rant about the furniture I am going to log off. You can imagine where I will be once I leave the computer. I'll spare you any additional gushing.

Shopaholic Gone Sad

If there is one thing that my friends and family know about me it is that I am an incessant shopaholic. I don't spend outside of my budget and I don't shop in order to satisfy some deep dark depression. It's just that I honestly get a charge out of finding the most outrageous deals out there and triumphantly buying (regardless of actual necessity).

For example, it has become a running thing between my mother in law and myself to find those crazy rock-bottom deals and then tell each other about them. It is a friendly shopping competition thing between us. I particularly love the deals at Joann, the craft store. IF you wait six months after a season is long gone you can find some killer deals on the leftover junk that no one really wanted. Sometimes it is still intact even, no repairs are necessary! My favorite deals are the ninety percent off deals that they have on their Halloween and Christmas decorations. Seriously, who can pass up ninety percent off? That means you pay three bucks for a thirty dollar decoration. Even the dollar store isn't that cheap.

I have this routine. Every Saturday I will get up, shower, and hit the road in search of random deals. Sometimes I have a shopping list in hand, sometimes I'm just out for the fun of it. I usually tell my husband I will only be an hour or two and usually it stretches into a six hour affair. But if that bothers him he never really gives any indication. Truthfully, since we also work together during the week I think it gives him a little down time as well.

I map out my route so that I can hit every store in a timely manner and without having to backtrack. Gas is expensive, I want to make the most of it. Don't laugh, but when it comes to the day after Thanksgiving sales I even map out my route through the store so that I can get in, grab what I need, pay, and get moving to the next store without getting caught up in the whole frenzied shopping thing. But that is a story that I will save for the upcoming holiday.

Usually I hit the outlet mall on a holiday weekend- they always have stellar deals and my trunk fills quickly without melting my American Express. The last holiday weekend was Fourth of July. I hit the outlet mall and had to cut the trip short. I was just too tired to shop. How can that be? I am never too tired to shop! Insanity! Me, passing up good deals? You have to see that pregnancy takes more out of you than you can imagine, when it even zaps your will to shop.

So I've been psyching myself up for the last three weekends. Each weekend I have told myself that I am going to attempt the outlet mall, even though it isn't a holiday weekend. Actually, that may work out better, since I won't have to fight the parking and the crowds that accompany those awesome sales. I need to return a pair of shoes that I bought for my husband over Fourth of July weekend and I would really like to hit the Carters Outlet as well as the Children's Place outlet. I'm not expecting too much of myself, there are only three stores that I really want to hit, so I'm thinking I can do this.

First hurdle? Getting off my butt and taking a shower. Once I do that I'm sure I can keep myself moving. I'll update when I can about the excursion or it's cancellation.

Missing Ankles and other Random Musings

I should post a reward for anyone that can locate my ankles, they seem to have gone missing. Apparently when I wear sneakers it cuts off circulation to my feet and everything just pools up right around my ankle area. It's quite attractive.

I've also had a devil of a time today with contractions. I can't tell if it is because I am overheated, dehydrated, or just plain "at that stage". The worst part is when they come on as I am walking somewhere. I really have no experience with this and forgive me for sounding crude, but I have to imagine it feels somewhat like the feeling that guys have when trying to walk around with a stiffy. It doesn't hurt, it is just quite uncomfortable and suddenly your regular style of walking turns into something that resembles the Tin Man.

I've noticed that I smell differently as a pregnant lady and I don't think I like my new smell. Pre-pregnancy I was already paranoid about smells and I am a fanatic about using Wallflowers in my house along with pleasantly fragranced cleaning products. So now, whoa, this is sensory overload for me. I smell funny, which makes the house smell funny, my sheets, etc. And I wonder, if I can smell it, other people must be able to also. I'm thinking about carrying around a bottle of body spray in my purse and spritzing myself every time I go to the ladies room. I figure with the amount of times I have to go to the ladies room a full size bottle should last me a good three days.

Oh yeah, and I posted some pictures of the crib. It's kind of a funky angle that you have to take the picture at so you can't see the rest of the room but that's ok because none of the other furniture is assembled yet. The pictures really don't do the room justice. The green paint in the pictures looks more like an apple green but I assure you that the actual color is called "palm green" and is a much more muted color than the vibrant green showing up in the photo. Either way it is totally the look I was going for- I didn't want it to scream "baby" because it is likely to have to remain on the walls for the next five years. (It was hard enough for me to convince my husband to let me paint to begin with, so I couldn't choose something that would go out of style once the child turned one) At least with the Zanzibar theme you can also buy toddler bedding and the safari theme could well last them until they hit kindergarten.

Speaking of school, one last random thought before I sign off. It used to be that if your birthday fell after the cutoff (September 1st I believe) you could "test in" to kindergarten. I'm not entirely sure what the test consisted of but apparently they checked out both your capacity to learn and your social skills and decided if you could go to school early or not. One of my sisters as well as myself tested in (my birthday was only a week after the cutoff but my sister was off by almost four months). I just assumed that testing in was a standard. I found out recently that there is no such thing anymore, so if I have this baby in October they will have to turn five before going to kindergarten. That means that they will turn six shortly after school starts and probably wind up being the oldest kid in the class. They will drive during their sophomore year of high school.

I'm pretty ripped off. I don't think it is fair, because come on, I know my kid is going to be a small genius and they are going to be way ahead of the pack. Holding them back a year is only going to stifle their intellect and then the lack of challenge is going to breed laziness and mediocrity. I'm already scheming as to how I can get around this. My husband had a good question- if we were to enroll our kid in private school could we get them in earlier? That is definitely an expense I would be willing to incur...

Wait, I haven't even found daycare for my baby when I have to return from maternity leave yet. I think maybe I am getting my priorities out of order here...

We have a crib...

I was worse than a child yesterday. I must have checked the Fed Ex tracking number about forty times while I was at work to see where my precious cargo was at. Each box had it's own tracking number and there were three pieces. As of 4pm the website showed only one box had been delivered so I was getting a little nutty.

I raced home after work- low and behold all three packages were sitting my courtyard. I started calling and stalking my husband to find out when he would be home to move the packages into the house. Fortunately for me it was only another half hour.

We didn't even get dinner started first this time like we did with the bassinet. Together we brought in the giant box holding the crib- really he brought it in and I gave the wimpiest girly pushes possible. Keep in mind, when not pregnant I am freakishly strong so this was hard for me to cut back on.

The crib box was pretty beat up and practically fell apart once we got it inside the front door. My husband's cousin was going to come over on Sunday to help him assemble the crib but considering that the box was so damaged we decided we better open it and inspect all the pieces. Yeah, I was mildly disappointed to see that two of the posts were pretty dinged up so I will be calling the manufacturer for replacement legs, but that didn't stop us.

We carried all the pieces upstairs and decided since we had them all out we should just put the crib together. I bought it online and it was a great deal for what I paid. Really, I bought three pieces- the crib, a fair sized dresser/combo that can be used as a changer but doesn't resemble one, and a tall dresser. The entire combo cost less than the crib and changer at Babies R Us so I felt like a good shopper. Of course, you do get what you pay for so in some places the finish is a little rough and the stain is a little uneven. What the hell. I don't even care.

It took us almost two hours to put the crib together but that was mainly due to the fact that we just couldn't seem to follow the directions. It isn't a project in our house unless you have to take it apart halfway through and re-do it, correctly this time. My husband cursed up a storm about how cheap the manufacturing was and how shoddy the crib was but I didn't think it was all that bad. And considering how thrifty he is, had I bought the more expensive crib I'm he would have been cursing up a storm at the expense. So I figure it was the lesser of two evils.

We didn't put together the dresser or dresser combo- we will leave that project for when my husbands cousin comes over this weekend. They can crack a beer or two and curse together in the nursery. All I cared about was seeing the crib and once it was up it filled me with the same sense of awe that the bassinet did. It's like getting closer and closer to the finish line only to realize just how much you really wanted to make it there all along.

I took pictures but they came out so dark that they don't do the crib justice. I'll try to take some when it is still light in there tomorrow. I'm getting the hang of posting pictures to this blog and now I'm practically addicted. In mid-September I will probably wind up posting pictures from the baby shower- "here is the swing set all assembled", "here is the carseat/stroller". You will be so sick of me and my baby stuff you will probably stop checking my photo albums.

I cannot believe I am thirty weeks two days already. Time really has gone quickly although it will probably drag soon enough. I can't wait to meet this little bundle of energy that cannot seem to stop moving.

Baby Paraphernalia

Wow, I haven't been online for a few days and there were about two dozen things that I thought of blogging and now can't remember any of them. That is another unfortunate side-effect of pregnancy.

Anyway- we started off our collection of baby paraphernalia yesterday with our first package delivered via UPS. My best friend was going to loan me her bassinet but I think she got caught up in the excitement of the whole first baby thing for me too and she actually bought me one and had it shipped directly here.

UPS rang the doorbell while we were finishing dinner and they just left the package at the front door. I opened the door, dragged the box inside and went back to the table to try finishing my meal. I couldn't help it, I was worse than a child- I gave my husband the other half of my dinner so that I could be excused and then I hurried up with the dishes so that we could go open the box together.

I had my husband put the bassinet together right away (you know, the cats need to get used to seeing new things around the house before the baby actually gets here, wink, wink). It is the sweetest bassinet and of course my girlfriend just always knows the perfect thing to send.

I rolled it into the corner beside my nightstand and it looked like it was meant for that spot. I was so in awe that I couldn't help looking at it every few minutes. I mean, in just a short few months (eight to ten weeks to be precise) there will be an actual baby sleeping there. Our baby.

The crib and other nursery furniture is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow. I am so excited about that too that I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. I have been on Fedex.com every two hours for the last three days painstakingly watching the progress across several states. It reminds me of the Christmas Eve newscast where they track Santa via Doppler and tell you which state he is flying over. He never seems close enough to your state before you have to actually go to bed.

I will have to take some pictures of the bassinet and of the nursery once the furniture is all assembled in there too. It's just so exciting to be at this point that I could take random pictures of nothing at all and it would seem momentous to me. Bear with me, the worst baby-talk is yet to come.

Before I forget...

Tomorrow is our six year anniversary. I just know that I am going to forget and the day will probably come and go with no frills. So while sitting out by the pool earlier this evening I wished my husband a happy anniversary and he did the same for me.

Let me share quickly how terrible we are. When I first started dating my husband we were both flat broke. I think I have shared this before, and probably several times but bear with me. Neither one of us could afford anything, and that meant no special dinners or extravagant gifts for special occasions.

I thought (and still think) the most romantic, thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me was the one that my husband gave me for our first Valentines day together. He brought me a dozen roses from the grocery store (incidentally, they last just as long as the ones from the florist) and he washed my car for me, inside and out. By hand.

I have this picture in my head, I remember it like yesterday even though it was seven and a half years ago.  He was so darn cute, I went to his house and he brought me a lawn chair to sit in out front. He dragged out the hose and bucket, he was wearing these green sweats and the sexiest casual Timberland shoes I've ever seen on a guy. Don't laugh, I am serious about this.  He still has those green sweats and those Timberland shoes and although both have seen better days I can't bring myself to donate them.

So anyway, every special occasion thereafter we commemorated by going to IHOP for dinner. At least we knew on Valentines day that we wouldn't be left waiting two hours for a meal and no reservations or fancy clothes were required. Plus it was within our budget. Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentines Day, we were there. We always used to go to the IHOP near our townhouse after we moved in together.  The cutest old man was our waiter and he would always ask the same question. "What're ya havin', guy?" We counted on this waiter to provide us that familiarity and we loved it.

Somewhere along the way we moved on. We started making more money, moved to a better neighborhood and yet a better one after that. We stopped going to that old IHOP and started going to the one closer to us where the staff wasn't as memorable. Of course, it wasn't the same. But funny thing, we just can't seem to bring ourselves to celebrate our special occasions with fancy, upscale outings. We still enjoy IHOP. It's become a bit of a running joke actually. My mother in law thoughtfully remembers our anniversary every year (even if I don't) and sends us money to go for a nice dinner. Just enough for IHOP, since she knows us so well.

I'm guessing that this anniversary will be no different. That is, if I at least remember that it is our anniversary and we make it to IHOP before I cook dinner at home or worse, fall asleep early. We are a sad couple I suppose.

Sleep Deprivation

I have heard it so many times I have lost count. When you are pregnant and get up every two hours in the night it is just your body's way of preparing yourself for the true sleep deprivation that is about to occur once your newborn enters your life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do believe it, but it still ticks me off. I mean, seriously. Every two hours? What is that about? So you get up to pee every two hours and it isn't like you can just fall right back asleep. Don't forget about the fifteen minutes of jimmying yourself back into the right position so that you can actually think about sleeping.

Just trying to get comfortable in bed resembles something like the horizontal hokey-pokey. You hop in bed, lay on your left side as you are instructed and your knees start hurting. So you move the right leg and then the left until they are comfy. Then your hip starts hurting. Shimmy, shimmy, finally all better. Wait, your shoulder is beginning to ache. Move your arm out, in, up, down, oops, don't smack your sleeping husband. Sorry sweetie. Finally the arm gets comfy. And then you realize that you have dislodged your knee from the comfy spot and you have to start over.

And what about those great "body" pillows you see and hear so much about? So one of my girlfriends gave me what I call The Snake. This thing is like ten feet long and it is shaped in a U. It is meant to wrap entirely around both sides of your body so that you can easily roll from one side to the other without shifting forty two pillows around you. I used it for a week. Sure, the thing is great- if you sleep in a king sized bed all alone. And also if the weather is thirty below and you like being snuggled by a giant pillow. But when it comes to a modest queen sized bed that you share with your husband and two hairy cats there is no room for The Snake. Not to mention the fact that it is hotter than hell here and some nights I want to sleep on the cool tile floor to regulate my body temperature.

So wah-freakin-wah. It's hot and I'm uncomfortable. Oh yeah, and cranky. Get over it, right?

Baby Feet

You have all probably seen that amazing picture of the pregnant belly on the internet- the one where the little foot is pushed so hard against it's mothers stomach that you can actually count the toes. Of course that is a re-touched photo, I have no dis-illusion of the reality of that photo.

What I do have is the amazing feeling of what that actually feels like from a mothers perspective. Honestly, the photo does little justice for the true feeling of your baby in utero pushing out with all their might, although it is a great likeness and does impart some of the sense of wonder of pregnancy.

It has become much more prominent that my baby will jab a foot or knee on the wall of my stomach and it is almost always visibly evident as a hard lump- much like an egg under my skin. I have come to the point where I can put my hand on my stomach and feel this baby move and intuitively I just know that it is a foot.

My husband got his first experience with the lopsided egg-under-the-skin feeling and I couldn't tell if he was in awe or a little grossed out by it. Nevertheless, it happens to me all the time and I still cannot stop touching it each and every single time. The neat thing is that now I can tell when one of those random pop-outs is going to occur and I can get my hand there in time to feel the baby and then massage it back into place.

It woke me up in the middle of the night last night with it's stretching and while I was mildly inconvenienced for the timing of it I was still happy to feel it moving and stretching. I just love how each month brings a new milestone with the baby and with my pregnancy.

I'm anxious to see just how big those baby feet really are- after all, they feel pretty fair sized when they thump a rib or stick straight out of my stomach.

I forgot to mention...

I'm doing this alot lately- forgetting to mention things or complete tasks. Anyway, I've been meaning to continue the saga of the foldout couch.

When we got to Canada no one mentioned anything about us having to move to the foldout couch midweek so I assumed they had decided that we would be ok to stay in the Rose Room for the extra few days and that the new arrivals would have to crash haphazardly around the house.

Not so. On Monday my mother in law mentioned "moving day" was coming up on Wednesday. It so caught me off guard even though I knew the original plan that I sputtered a non-committal response (or at least I'm hoping that was what I did, it could have been profanity as it actually came out). I figured we were in the clear and then it became evident that we were indeed moving.

My husband's brother and his sister in law live just five minutes from the parents and they had an extra guest room in their basement so it was decided that we would stay there. Remember, I was totally cranked over the fact that I would have to drive back and forth and that naps would not be a quick or easy ducking out of the group. Plus, let's face it, I was just plain irked. I hated the fact that I felt we were being rolled to the back burner. Remember, this is all from my perspective. I have to imagine that everyone else feels that way when we come there for a visit too.

Anyway, it took me a full twenty four hours of pouting but I washed the laundry we had dirtied in the first few days and repacked all of our stuff. We were still kind of hanging around the house instead of going right over to his brother's house when the clan drove up. I call it a clan, it was four people- two adults and two children. But there was enough commotion it felt like a whole clan.

Suddenly, it didn't seem so bad to me that we needed to gather our belongings and move on. I quickly realized that sneaking off for a nap would have been damn impossible anyway if there was always that much action going on. So secretly as we packed our bags into a borrowed car and drove over to my brother in laws house I was actually a little relieved.

We got there and their two small kids were already asleep. Score one for a quiet environment. I'm happy already. We carried our bags to the basement guest room and the heavens opened and angels were singing. There was air conditioning and it was ON. A little luxury that my mother and father in law tried to indulge us in but couldn't bring themselves to turn it down low enough or leave it on all the time so it didn't make much of a difference.

I just stood there revelling in the cool air thinking, I was pouting over this? Just goes to show you, don't make up your mind before trying something. I was so happy to be there, and wait, there is more! We had been sharing a double bed at his parents house with little to no air conditioning during a heat wave. (It did actually get to 90-95 degrees during the day.) This guest room had a queen sized bed. I thought we were staying at the Hyatt it felt so nice.

Two days later the clan came over to visit and see the house. My sister in law that I had to give up a bed for came down to the basement. She and I were on the same wavelength about the air conditioning at the main house- it was just too damn hot there. She stood in the basement for thirty seconds and said "Wow that air conditioning feels good."

I felt a little territorial as I blurted out "I found it first."  Little did she know how cranky I was about giving up my spot or else I'm sure she would have taken a moment to remind me. Anyway, it turned out to be the best four days of the trip as I finally got some much needed rest. The air conditioning was plentiful, the room was nice and quiet and even though I feared the kids would put me over the edge they were absolute angels.

So, moral of the story- don't be a bitch about something unless you really have earned the right to be.

Twenty Eight Weeks and Counting

I'm beginning to think of myself as the Energizer Bunny.... Still going.... And ever so cheerful about it too! Today was my twenty eight week check up. Where the heck has the time gone? Remember the pathetic, fearful person that I was about twenty four weeks ago? I'm feeling much better about this whole pregnancy thing. Probably because I read somewhere that if the baby is born at this stage it has an 85% chance for survival.

Oh wait- see, I am still pathetic. I need to make myself stop seeing the glass half empty for heavens sake!

Anyway- with regards to the glucose test, I passed the second one. WHEW. So, I'm laying on the table with my pants unzipped and shirt pulled up to expose the bump. The doctor is measuring what I believe is called the fundal distance of my uterus- he has the tape measure started at the top of my pubic bone and has pressed around halfway between my boobs and my navel until he found the edge of baby city. Now seems as good a time as ever to jump into the glucose question.

The conversation with the doctor went something like this:

"So my glucose test wasn't all that great." To which he replied "Yeah, your blood sugar level was record high, I don't usually see levels that high. I wonder what could have caused that?"

Insert squeaky cricket noise here. I didn't even feign innocence, I just didn't answer at all. In my mind I am picturing the super-sized croissant an hour before the blood test. Nope, I have no idea either what could have caused an off-the-chart blood sugar level.

"But I did go back for the three hour glucose challenge- see the massive bruise on my arm, they poked me four times!" And the appropriate doctorly response, "Oh, yeah, I see that. I'm glad to hear that you went back for the next test, let me flip through your chart and see if I did get a copy of it."

And then the words I was dying to hear, "Oh, it's ok, the CNA signed off on it. It came back fine. I  still don't know why you would have had such high levels the first time."

Maybe that was also his doctorly way of telling me that they know full well when we cheat or don't follow instructions so I should take it as a warning and never ever doubt that what they tell me to do is correct. Duly noted.

Reminiscing

Just one last quick post for the day then I'm heading off to bed. I noticed that I'm getting a few more hits other than my loyal followers from babycenter so I wanted to check it out for myself. I went to MSN, typed in "dearjenn" and up came a link for my random pictures!

Sweet, I'm even on the first page, you don't have to weed through fourteen pages of porn websites to find my one meager blog! I'm honored.

Anyway, the link right below it was to my old blog page, the one that I originally started when I was just tinkering with the idea of blogging. (not like I'm some master at it now) I started the other blog when I was too cheap to pay for an annual subscription to a blog service but after a few months of never being able to access the site to post I finally ponied up and enrolled in Typepad.

So where am I going with all of this? I clicked on the link for my old blog. Some things never change. I thought the computer was going to time out while waiting for the page to come up but finally it did. I read through some of the posts. Wow I was a cynical gal. But this one caught my eye, because I don't remember typing it but I'm happy to have been reminded of it. It was at the end of my New Year's Resolution post, and it was a plea for help.

"So I have only one request, God if you are listening. Can you please make 2006 just as good as 2005? I mean, in 2005 I got a new job and added another digit to my paycheck. We bought a new home that is more than twice the size of our last home. We bought a brand new car and we aren't upside down on it. (now that's an accomplishment) I mean, really, all things considered, 2005 was pretty darn good. No, we didn't have a baby. But it's probably a good thing. At least we can enjoy that brand new house and brand new car without sticky Cheerios cropping up in the oddest places. But I have really only this one special request, please please please, make 2006 worth the effort. We really will be good parents. I won't beat my children, even if I sometimes want to. I will provide them a loving atmosphere, I will teach them right and wrong, and they will grow up to be good people. Just give me that chance, thats all I'm asking."

Well guess what? It turns out He was listening and I actually conceived within days of that post. It just gives me shivers.

It's Official

I have officially accepted that this pregnancy is routinely normal and that I am going to make it to the end without some disastrous malfunction. Or at least I think I am of the mindset that if a disastrous malfunction were to occur that I would be better prepared to handle it because I have stopped self-diagnosing every single thing that could go wrong.

And this weekend, to commemorate my official acceptance of this healthy pregnancy I joined the ranks of millions of other pregnant women, I registered at Babies R Us. Originally I felt like it was too early to register, like I would be inviting trouble, but when I started counting down the weekends left between now and baby I realized there aren't that many and I better stop procrastinating.

My best friend flew into town just for this momentous occasion (love that woman) and walked me through all the must haves of baby-dom. We even did a dry-run at Babies R Us on Saturday before actually going in on Sunday and registering. Saturday we walked through the store and tested out all of the things I originally thought I wanted.

I registered for the Chicco Cortina travel system because originally I loved that it had a built-in body and head support system for small infants in the carseat portion. The support padding can be removed once the baby has become a real chunk but it always scared me even with those donut headrests for the baby that they weren't being adequately secured in the seat. This carseat could have been the ugliest thing in the store and I still would have wanted it just for the body and head support system. Lucky for me, it isn't all that ugly. And apparently the matching stroller is top of the line- as my best friend so patiently demonstrated for me several times. It folds up nicely and unfolds in a snap. The tray in front actually removes completely so that when you lay down the seat you can change the child easily. It has all kinds of gadgets and folding pieces that wowed her and then of course wowed me.

We tested everything for ease of opening and folding, durability, and general aesthetics on Saturday. Then on Sunday we started off with a big breakfast at Mimi's and hit the baby store with energy. Even knowing all of the things I already planned on registering for we still spent the better part of the afternoon there. I couldn't help it, I wanted to play with everything again.

I was absolutely exhausted when we left and yet a little giddy. I mean, in just a few very short months I will have some of those items in my house along with a baby to occupy them. I am 28 weeks 1 day now. WOW. Time has actually gone pretty darn quick.

Curious Children

So I've been meaning to blog this because for the rest of my life I will remember the cute innocence of a child's question and the deer-caught-in-the-headlights response that it evoked in me.

We have an abundance of nieces and nephews on my husband's side and I absolutely adore all of them (even though sometimes I can't deal with the whiny, tantrum-throwing side of them). But seriously, they all have such unique personalities and always make me laugh.

While we were on vacation in Canada we spent every single day with these kids and I really got a taste of what life is going to be like when I have children. For one, I will absolutely have rules that my kids will be held to but that is a story for another day.

K.- who is an inquisitive four year old fraternal twin was just so cute about the whole pregnancy/baby thing that I cannot stop smiling even as I type. We talked about the fact that there was a baby growing in my tummy, which absolutely fascinated her. Each day when she came over to the house she would say hi to the baby (talking through my belly button as I had explained that was the place that sound would get through to the baby, ha ha). She always introduced herself too, "Hi Baby, it's K."

Each day she got a little bolder. The first day she just stared at my tummy and kind of kept her distance. The next day she came over and touched it. The third day was when she started talking to it, the fourth day she was lifting up my shirt so that she could "see" the baby, and the fifth day she started poking her finger into my belly button. I'm a pretty good sport, the first couple of times the finger touched my belly button it was no big deal. Until she jammed it in there pretty good and I felt my bladder cringe. Oops, that one was too hard K. I don't think she fully believed me so the second time she did it I told her that if she pushed her finger in there too far the baby would bite it.

I know, I know, her parents will probably be paying for that in therapy later. But how else do you get the point across to a four year old? I told her nicely the first time that she pushed too hard.

Moving right along, I guess it was about the fifth day that we were there when everyone started guessing what it was going to be. K was a sweet optimist, she thought it would be a boy. Her older brother was gleefully declaring it to be a girl, much to my husband's chagrin. Her four year old twin, A. had firmly made up his mind that it could be a pig. Yes, a pig. He's a little devil in disguise but cute as can be. His dad is a farmer (a real life farmer) and they have farm animals. So he was half joking about it being a pig. I mean, he was just pushing my buttons- and pretty good at it for a four year old. Good thing my sense of humor was present and accounted for during that conversation or it could have turned maniacal-pregnancy-ugly in a hurry.

And then the bombshell question was dropped. K said, "Auntie Jenn, how does the baby get out of your tummy?"

My mouth went dry and my eyes darted around the room for any other adult I could find. Crap, it was just me and K. "Well K, that's a very good question. How does the baby get out of my tummy? I don't really know, this is my first one."

She wasn't really buying it. At that moment her mom walked in and I told her that was a question for her mommy to answer. K repeated the question and I imagine the look on my sister in law's face was akin to mine just moments earlier. But at least a few minutes had elapsed for me so I was able to finally find my footing.

I replied, "Well K, the doctor takes the baby out of my tummy, right C?" My sister in law nodded in relief, "Right Jenn, the doctor takes the baby out". I was praying, I mean PRAYING that the next question wouldn't be, "How does the doctor take the baby out?"

But we must have satisfied the curiosity of a four year old because she nodded and padded off to find the rest of the kids downstairs. Whew, dodged a bullet with that one.

I'm in for a wild ride, Mr. Toad.

I've been tagged-

Thanks Dianne- I always get a kick out of these. So here it is:

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Telemarketer (for only one week- believe me that is a crappy job)                                                   

2. Senior Proof Operator for a bank

3. Human Resources/Accounts Receivable/Office Manager/Payroll for a towing company

4. Operations Manager for a mortgage company (by far my favorite)

Four movies I watch over and over:

1. The Cutting Edge

2. Goonies

3. Pretty in Pink

4. The Christmas Story

Four places I have lived:

1.Arizona

2. New Mexico

3. Nevada (seeing the dry, hot trend here?)

Four TV shows I love to watch:

1. Desperate Housewives

2. House

3. The OC

4. Law & Order

Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Canada

2. Mexico

3. Washington, DC (eight days was way too short)

4. Washington State (go in early October, by far the most beautiful time of year)

Four websites I visit daily:

www.aol.com

www.google.com (there is always something to look up)

www.weather.com (to check out all of the other cooler places that I could be visiting)

www.babycenter.com

Four of my favorite foods:

1. anything italian. yummm.

2. spicy chicken fingers.

3. baklava (a rare treat)

4. filet with bearnaise sauce

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Someplace cooler

2. Anywhere cooler

3. A cooler place

4. A place that I can stay cool

Four favorite bands/singers:

1. Tim McGraw

2. John Mayer

3. Enya (don't laugh, I love to relax to this)

4. Christina Aguilera

Four folks I'm tagging: Bummer, I don't really have anyone to tag. I guess I'm just not online-social enough. :)