The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

Dear Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead,

April 27, 2007

Dear Dannielynn,

You are a beautiful child at the center of a media storm. There is something on the news every single day about your life or your mother's life. I don't know if your mother ever got to write you these words but I want you to know from a mother to a daughter how deeply saddened your mother would be at having to leave you so early in your life.

Your mother wasn't perfect. None of us are. Had she stayed with you in life she would have made poor choices from time to time. But the truth is that while she may not have always made the best choice, the right choice, she would have loved you wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

I watch the news every day and I am saddened by the turmoil that already exists in your little world. People are fighting over you and making decisions about your life. They forget that for the rest of your life you will only know your mother through media and other recollections. You will never have a true memory of your own to hold to.

So let me share a memory, not one that you will remember, and not one that I have of you, but one that we as all mothers have. The moment your mother held you in her arms she knew that she would do everything she could to make your life happy and right. She looked at you and thought you were the most beautiful child she had ever seen.  She thought about the fact that one day you would go to school, and then graduate. One day you would find true love. One day you would move away from her. But in her heart she hoped that she would make the right decisions during your life and even while you were gaining your independence you would still want to reach out to your mom.

Dannielynn, just know that your mother loved you beyond words. You will experience many things in your lifetime that others will never go through in a thousand lifetimes. And you will become a stronger person for it. You are destined to be someone great, and not just because your mother was a celebrity, but because she believed in you. Sometimes in life you will have to live by choices that others make for you and sometimes those choices will be your own but you will never be a victim. You will become that strong, confident, beautiful woman that your mother saw the first time she looked into your eyes.

Someday you will have to come to terms with the choices your mother made in her life. And if she were here she would be the first to tell you that they weren't always the best choices. But you do not have to live your life by the choices or mistakes that your mother may have made. You are your own person. Your mother was beautiful inside and out. She loved you very much and if you ever have to ask yourself how much just wait until one day you have your own baby in your arms. You will know that no words can describe it.

As a mother I wish you all the best in life. I hope that you grow and learn, that you are happy and loved, and that you experience true love. And no matter what you discover through the media or from hearsay just know that your mother loved you deeply and is watching over you each and every day.

Love,

Jenn

For a Good Cause

The internet is a beautiful, beautiful thing. (Unless you are using it to research and/or self diagnose as I did my infertility) Anyway, the nice thing about the internet is how many people you can reach out to- those that you know and those that you don't.

I talk often about my little community that I have built- people that I call friends even though I have never met and probably will never meet. Does anyone remember having good old pen pals? I loved having pen pals, I was really good at writing to them. Not always so good at finding an unused stamp in a house with four kids, but always good at writing.

So tonight's blog is devoted to my good friend Dianne. Many in our circle already read her blog and are familiar with her heartbreaking story of the loss of her hero Bobby. Bobby was young and full of life even as a brain tumor cut him short. Dianne is taking up where Bobby left off, raising funds for the Brain Tumor Society.

Like Dianne said, everyone is tapped. You can barely pick up your phone or open your mail without receiving a solicitation of some sort. This isn't a solicitation. The choice is yours. I'm not asking you to donate, I'm simply sharing the link if this is something that you would feel good about doing. It only takes a minute.

Good luck with the ride Dianne! Your cousin Bobby must have been a very special person.

What "They" Don't Tell You About Motherhood

It seems everyone is an expert on parenthood and you will get all sorts of unwarranted advice on becoming a parent and parenting styles. That is all fine and dandy, my standard response is usually something like "Really? I hadn't thought of that, I may have to give it a try sometime" (Fully intending never to try it or even think about it after that conversation)

But funny thing, no one ever told me that becoming a parent would somehow turn back time for me and not only would I become a parent but also a child. For example, I no longer have heartburn, it is a "tummy-ache". And when I need to use the ladies room I have to go "potty". It wouldn't be such a big deal (and really, maybe it isn't a big deal otherwise) but I caught myself talking like that at work the other day. "Wow, that Mexican food gave me a tummy-ache. I think I need to go potty." I felt like a first grader.

So, useless tip to all those that have not yet experienced parenthood, be prepared to say goodbye to your very adult lifestyle in more ways than one. Changing diapers and giving bottles is just the tip of the iceberg. Your whole thought process and speech pattern is going to change as well. Honestly. It happens to  the best of us. Another useless tip- try to find others that are in the same situation- then it won't feel so awkward when you refer to yourself in the third person all the time and you detail your every move in primary style.

Selfish Me

I've really struggled with the thought of how selfish I am for quite some time now. As if committing it to paper (internet) is going to rationalize it, maybe if nothing else it will help me feel less guilty about being so selfish. I know! I should make a list in my fantastic Type A style!

I think I have mentioned it before but I will say it again- I knew pretty quickly after having Hayley that I wanted another baby. Actually, I really want two more, but I'm deathly afraid of getting pregnant after age 35 so it's looking like I may only get to have a shot at one more. At any rate, I really want to try for another baby. Like now. When I was amongst the infertile crowd experiencing unexplained infertility it seemed the world was against me. Woe was me, I so wanted a baby and yet try as we did, I just couldn't get pregnant. Then one day, ta-da, it happened. Oh miracle of miracles, I was pregnant. I didn't let myself enjoy the pregnancy out of fear of miscarriage, which was my own fault. However, the end result was holding a beautiful, perfect baby girl in my arms.

And yet, within a month I suddenly decided that one wasn't enough. I am greedy and I am selfish. I want another, and then one more. I have friends that have been trying longer than I have, with more health issues, who have taken out mortgages to pay for fertility treatments, and yet, I want another one. It is a slap in the face to those that have yet to conceive, and of all people, I should know that. I DO know that, but still, I am the kid that wants the second helping of cake before everyone has gotten a piece. There is no reasoning with me.

I find myself each month hoping that my birth control will fail. That miraculously I will get pregnant and then I don't have to feel guilty for trying again for another when so many haven't even had a first. I've been slipping comments by my husband to feel out his response. Initially it was a downright no way, we'll talk about it some other day. But just last week I mentioned it again and he said "Why not, it isn't as if we are sleeping well now anyway". Hell, I almost took that as a yes, meet me in bed right now. If I was bold enough I would have tossed my Nuva Ring that very day. Of course, I didn't.

But now I am really torn. I mean, really torn. I want to start trying right away, because heaven forbid it take us another two years. And then again, I know the discipline that it takes when you are trying to conceive and I don't know if I am prepared for that just yet. Hayley still has some rough nights and I rely on my coffee to get me started every morning. If I get pregnant again I am absolutely going to give my second baby all the same courtesies I gave my first- no caffeine, no deli meat, no Bleu Cheese, no Caesar dressing, you get the point.

This is where I am tempted to break out my list. Pro's of trying to conceive again vs. cons. Let's see.

1. PRO: It hasn't been so long since I have been pregnant that I have forgotten what it is going to take- energy, healthy eating, etc. **Also a con because in just six short months I have fallen back into my old caffeine riddled, meal-skipping routine.

2. PRO: Like my husband says, we aren't getting the best of sleep yet anyway, might as well get it all out of the way at once. **CON- Being pregnant saps any energy you do have so one rough night with no sleep in the first trimester could render me useless at work and at home.

3. PRO: It could happen right away and Hayley could have a sibling close to her age. CON- it could take another few years, or not happen at all, and then we would be back on that manic infertility ride.

4. PRO: If we do get pregnant it could be a boy! Or, equally a pro- it could be another girl and we could at least use the clothes that Hayley grew out of so quickly again. I can't really think of a con on this one. I would be happy either way.

5. PRO: If the house is going to be in a state of perpetual baby/toddler tornado then it will at least all be at once. CON: the house will be in a state of perpetual baby/toddler tornado, period. Does that one count? I mean, really signed on for it anyway.

6. CON: I really enjoy hanging out at the pool with a frosty adult beverage. And ever since our trip to Maui Mai Tais are big on my list. I suppose I could always have alcohol free Mai Tais. But wouldn't that just be sweet and sour mix? Yuck. Yeah, there really isn't a pro for this one.

7. PRO: I have lots of love to share. CON- is it really fair to Hayley to have another one right away? Shouldn't I just let her have a chance to be a baby?

Anyway, I must say that I find this whole process just a bit addictive. I mean, I spent the better part of two years monitoring my every body signal trying to get pregnant. Then I have an absolutely beautiful, amazing daughter and I find myself drawn back to the process again. I really want another one. And I really wish that life was fair for all of my friends to have one too.

I'm afraid this little session did nothing to diminish my desire. I still want another one and I still want to start trying right away. There really is nothing I can do to change how I feel, maybe I can just hope for time to go quickly so that before I know it the timing really will be right and we can start trying again. Don't curse me out, infertile friends. It really is a heart wrenching dilemma and I really am stuck.

Dear Hayley,

April 16, 2007

Dear Hayley,

You are twenty four weeks three days old today. Yes, I still count how old you are by weeks and days as each and every one of them is precious and goes by much too quickly. Oh sunshine, where do I start?

You are rolling around like crazy- front to back, back to front. You roll so much that you go from one end of the rug to the other and we have to move you back to the beginning again! When we put you on your tummy your little arms and legs get going and I know it won't be long before you are scooting around. I'm not ready for you to be mobile and independent yet!

One thing is for sure, you are one of the happiest babies I have ever been around. There isn't a single time that I have smiled at you that you haven't smiled back. You have such a happy disposition that everyone you smile at just melts. It is so cute to see you with your dad, the two of you share a special bond. He gives you kisses all the time and sings to you in the morning when Mommy is already gone to work. At night he takes you out in the yard to inspect all the flowers and fruit trees and you just love going outside with him.

We still enjoy our snuggle time, you and I. One day you won't want to be snuggled as much and it is going to break my heart so I spend every moment that I can with you. Even in the middle of the night I sometimes pick you up when you wake and snuggle you back to sleep, just for the extra few minutes that we get together.

You have discovered your feet and it is the cutest thing ever. You grab hold of both feet with your hands, which makes it very hard to change your diaper, but since you are usually smiling up at me I can't help but laugh. Oh, and your laugh, you have the sweetest laugh I have ever heard. I love making you laugh and I hope that we can always laugh together even as you grow older.

Well baby girl, you are almost half a year old. The time is going much too quickly and Mommy is much too sentimental about how precious our time really is. I am sure I have said it before and will say it again, everything I do is all for you. I love you my little sunshine!

Love, Mommy

And THIS is why I love my husband-

I don't say it often enough, I love my husband. I am so blessed I cannot believe it. When he tells me that he loves me I tell him that he loves me half as much as I love him and I really mean it.

My husband is not by any means a metro-sexual. He gets his hair cut at Supercuts, he has never had a manicure in his life, and he doesn't even buy his own clothes. I doubt he even knows what size he wears. Much to my sister's chagrin he will wear a brown belt with black shoes and it means nothing to him.

All of these things I know and love about him but today I realized that just when I think my heart is full of love there is more to be found.

He asked "You know all those little pink onesies in Hayley's drawer?" I half answered, "mmmm, yeah, what about them?" He asks, "where are all the pants that go with them?"

"What do you mean, where are the pants that go with them?" He says, "You know, the matching pants?" I tell him there are lots of pants in the drawer and (I'm still laughing as my heart swells with love again) his response is, "There are lots of pants but none are the right color of pink".

God love this man. I love this man. He could care less if his belt and shoes match, or if he has the most current style. But he knows how much of a fanatic I am when it comes to Hayley and her clothes, and he actually spends time looking through her drawers for pants in the correct color of pink. I cannot imagine life without him and I am thankful each and every day that he is my husband. It is the little things in life that are important, just a little reminder.

Dividing my Time

You probably know enough about me by now to know that I am serious about every task I take on. I don't like to do something that I can't do well. I will admit, there are times that I turn down tasks or events because I know that I won't be the best at it and I don't like the way it makes me feel. You know the whole second best is good enough doesn't really work for me.

So I've really been struggling these last few weeks because I feel like my time is torn between being a mother and working. There are lots of books on the topic and I'm sure one day I will read at least one. But in the mean time I have this daily struggle because I feel like I am not giving either one of those jobs the usual hundred and fifty percent that I commit.

The hard part is that I don't really feel like I am very good at either one right now. I mean, I could see it if I was a really poor manager or employee but I was a really good mother- spending all my time with my baby and watching her grow up. Or if I was a really poor mother but excelled at getting everything done at work every single day.

Unfortunately I am neither. I get up every day and rush off to work, most days before my baby is even awake for the day. So I don't get to spend any time with her in the morning. Then I go a hundred miles an hour at work only to discover that I haven't gotten anywhere and I'm just as buried as I was when I came in early. I leave work late, run to the babysitter to pick up my kid, and then head home. I have to cook dinner, unload the dishwasher, load the washing machine, and try to squeeze in a little quality time with my infant. Who, by the way, goes to sleep at seven thirty every night which gives me an hour and a half at best to spend with her.

Weekends go by in a blur- we have chores to do around the yard, grocery shopping, more laundry, you get the point. So where in there do you find balance?

I'm really struggling with the fact that as a manager and an employee people rely on me. If I don't do my job, or I don't do it well the business can suffer. If we don't get enough business then people get laid off. Yet if I spend fifty to sixty hours a week working my husband is a virtual single parent, getting up with Hayley each morning, getting both of them ready and out the door and half the time picking her up at night because I work late. And I miss out on all of the important things like watching her learn to roll over, or discover her feet.

So I guess I'm just going to have to learn to work with it. I would love to say that no matter what my family comes first and work will just have to wait but I feel so responsible for every person that works there. The usual dilemma- doing something with this much passion and commitment can burn you out.

How and where do you draw the line?