The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

Disturbing Headline News

It has been weighing heavily on my mind since the day I first heard about it last week. I was driving to work and I listen to CNN Headline News on XM during drive time. I heard the story about the nineteen year old father in Texas that put his two month old daughter in the microwave in a hotel room.

I can't even begin to describe all of the emotions that I felt as a parent- and I cannot even fathom what this father, FATHER was thinking. I got to work and I cried. You hear terrible stories every single day about parents that abuse their children, but for some reason all I could think about was Hayley at two months old. Innocent. Tiny. Unsuspecting.

Now this is real injustice. When there are people trying with all their heart and their life savings to have children and you hear stories like this it really makes you wonder what this world is coming to. And yet, somewhere in Galveston, Texas there is a tiny two month old baby girl recovering from one of the most heinous acts of child abuse I have ever heard of.

I do not care to hear that the devil made him do it. I don't care if he heard voices in his head. I don't care if he blacked out and has no knowledge of it. It makes me beyond sick to my stomach to think that this baby girl for the rest of her life will have to live with the physical scars of something her father did to her. And someday she will know what the physical scars are from and then she will also live with the emotional scars as well.

I cannot possibly save all the children of this world. When I was hoping to become a mother I dreamed about holding my baby, loving it, nurturing it, and teaching it right from wrong. I am sad, and heartbroken that I have to teach my baby girl that there are people out there like this.

I pray that my baby girl never comes into contact with anyone or has any experiences like this in her life. I will protect her with all the ferocity that a mother can muster, and I will pray that it will be enough.

Using Birth Control Yet Still Hoping I'm Pregnant- this one is really nuts...

I can always tell when my period is coming.

I cry at everything. I eat everything in sight. I run to the bathroom every half hour to make sure it didn't start silently.

Funny thing though, even though I know, I KNOW I am on birth control right now I still find myself hoping like crazy that my period just won't come. I've already posted about my selfish inclination so I'll spare you. But is it really possible for someone who has experienced infertility and triumphed over it to find themselves drawn back into the game without even really playing?

Get this, I'm not currently trying to conceive. I am on birth control for heaven's sake. And yet for the last two days I have caught myself wondering if I should pee on a stick because my period should have been here already.

I don't have any pregnancy symptoms and I have absolutely no reason to believe that I am pregnant. So why then would I torture myself this way? Not to compare my situation to that of those that are truly experiencing medical hurdles to overcome but I have many friends that know due to their medical situations there is no way they can be pregnant and yet still have hope each month. And here I am, on the Ring and still hoping I am pregnant?

Could there really be some other post partum explanation for this? Like maybe this is a real condition that other women experience and it hasn't yet been defined in the medical textbooks? No, really. I'm being serious here!! I am a rational, educated woman. You would never catch me in a doctor's office four months pregnant saying "but I had no idea!". So why then am I even asking myself if I could be pregnant?

I really don't know if it is a good idea for me to try and have a second baby. I'm already obsessing over it and we haven't even started. I don't know if my heart can handle the anguish and the monthly highs and lows.

Why oh why can I never be happy with what I have? Why do I always have "the wants"?

Self Proclaimed Expert

You know, when I was going through my round of unexplained infertility I read everything I could get my hands on with regards to fertility and lack thereof. I joined groups (of which I am proud to still be a member of), I "lurked", I read through various medical websites even though I had no idea what I was reading, and by the end I felt I was a real expert on infertility. At least, on unexplained infertility.

And then came motherhood. BAM. I hadn't read one single thing on how to be a mother or what to do for an infant. All of a sudden I was like this helpless waif and could only take advice straight from my pediatrician. What a victim I had become.

I find it funny, but even though I haven't read nearly as much about being a parent as I did about becoming one I feel like I am getting very good at being a mom. I mean, I totally "get" Hayley. I understand her moods, and what to do for her. I feel much more relaxed and confident about things like even though the doctor didn't specifically tell me it was ok to move her to stage 2 baby food that she can handle it, and so can I. It's like I'm settling in and I've found that groove. I feel like I could totally have another one and not worry about every tiny thing.

We have heard the joke before, with your first baby if the pacifier falls on the floor you get a brand new clean one. With your second baby if it falls on the floor you run it under water. The third baby you suck on it yourself and hand it back and by the fourth baby it doesn't really matter because you can't see that it has fallen on the floor and the baby reaches and puts it back in their own mouth. I can totally see how that happens!! The light clicked on for me! I always swore, SWORE that I would never be that person but I guarantee I am going to wind up that way just like everyone else.

And the truth is, it isn't that you care any less about the succeeding children, it is just that you learn that you don't have the energy or time to waste on things that really won't harm your children anyway. Truthfully, I gag when I think about sticking Hayley's tooty in my mouth to clean it off for her so I can't see myself ever doing that with any of my children, but rinsing it under the sink seems to be a reasonable alternative to owning twenty pacifiers because they are rendered useless once they hit the floor. Oh yeah, and "work smarter not harder" also applies here. If you know the baby is too young to keep a grasp on their tooty themselves just invest in those handy dandy tooty clips! (Be careful how you clip them on though)

So what it boils down to is that I find I am much more relaxed. If I haven't said it lately, I adore being a mom. I have the easiest kid in the world, and maybe that is God's way of making it up to me- a little gift for all the stress that I went through to get to this point.

So, thank you Dear Lord for sending me this amazing baby girl. She has taught me more in seven short months than I think I have learned in a lifetime. I really do believe that You have a master plan for everyone, and although we don't always understand it we just need to have Faith and Hope. Thank You for keeping me going and for rewarding me with the opportunity to experience unconditional love. 

I sure hope it is in The Plan that I get to experience this at least once more. And for those that are wondering- I haven't yet ditched the birth control. I want to meet with my OB and get the green light first, my exam is at the end of June so we'll see how it goes.

Dear Hayley,

May 9, 2007

Dear Hayley,

In just two short days you will be twenty eight weeks old. One week ago you cut your first tooth and I have been so fascinated by it that I have to stick my finger in and check it out every single day. I want to see it but every time I tip your chin to look inside you stick out your tongue! We still can't believe that tooth finally poked through- you gave us no indication that it was there. No fever, no crying, no extra drool, no red cheeks, nothing! You must be the easiest baby I have ever heard of.

You have started testing the limits of your own voice. You can "talk" quite loud, which always gets the two cats "talking" back to you. We were worried about how the cats would react to having a new baby around but each of them love you in their own way. Chomp had to give up her favorite recliner so that we could always have a place to sit with you but she still lets you pet her. You even grab fistfuls of her fur and yet she has never even hissed or growled at you. Whenever you are crying Allie comes running to see you. Your cries discomfort Allie and she starts to howl along with you.

You roll all over the place now, we cannot turn our heads for even a moment or you are gone. You sit all by yourself so well, I'm afraid one of these days very soon I am going to come to your room and find that you have pulled yourself up to a sitting position in your crib all by yourself! I am going to be beside myself when you start to crawl. I want you to grow up but it all seems to be going way too fast.

I've said it before but I must say it again, you are such a happy baby that everyone just loves to be around you. Your eyes sparkle like none I have ever seen before and I have thought about entering you in a baby contest- not for the competitive side but to share your beautiful sunny personality with everyone.

You make people happy, and not just me. When we go out you smile at strangers and brighten their day. You have the cutest laugh I have ever heard and I love the little things that your Dada does to make you laugh. The two of you have a special bond, I should just say that you have him wrapped around your finger for sure! Me too while we're at it.

Hayley, my little Pumpkin Pie, you are most definitely my reason to live. I love you baby girl!

Love, Mommy

Baby's First Tooth!!!

You got it, Hayley cut her first tooth today. I know for sure it wasn't there yesterday but I'll be darned, this jagged little edge made it's way through today. So let's see, Hayley is twenty six weeks four days old today and she got a tooth. Pretty close to six months on the dot!

My mother in law told me months ago that I wouldn't feel her teeth coming through with just my finger and she recommended taking a spoon and lightly tapping the gums every now and then. She absolutely swore that we would hear it before we would see it and seriously, she was right!! Mother in laws aren't always full of useless advice!

We started tapping it with a spoon the first day my in laws got to town- so that would have been last Thursday. We heard it but about twenty minutes later it was gone and my mother in law confessed today that she was worried the noise had come from her wedding ring hitting the spoon.

Lucky for her it was really a tooth! I was tapping her gums day before yesterday and we all heard it, numerous times, so we knew it was just a matter of time before we saw it. I can't actually see into her mouth because she is biting her lip and sticking out her tongue, but I can most definitely feel that jagged little edge in there.

Oh glorious day, at least now we can feel like our sleepless nights were not in vain. She has had several good nights in a row now, let's just hope they keep up now that her little tooth has poked through. At least until the next one.

So, for those of you wondering what the symptoms of teething are, for Hayley there really weren't any. Actually, she didn't get a fever, no rosy cheeks, no massive amounts of drool (at least not above and beyond her normal amount). I would dare guess that her few throw up episodes over the last two weeks are teething related but other than that, nothing. Oh well, I mean, a little fussy every now and then and didn't really seem to have the same appetite. But really, all in all, she was great! Let's just hope the rest of them go that way as well.

Well, I better get off to bed just in case we really are in for a rough night. I mean, it is her first day with a new tooth and all.