The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

Dear Hayley,

July 31st, 2007

Dear Hayley,

At your nine month check up you weighed nineteen pounds even. You were twenty seven and three quarter inches long. The doctor said you are in the fiftieth percentile for both height and weight. I'm guessing you are in the hundredth percentile for cuteness.

You are just so stinkin' cute. Dada and I walk around and tell you, each other, and anyone else that will listen just how cute you are. Pretty soon I think you are going to say, "I know!".

You clap your hands together and laugh. You have been waving goodbye for quite some time now but it still amazes people because you really are still pretty young for that task.

You absolutely love the kitty cats. Every night Allie comes into your room as we are trying to have our bedtime bottle. You can't go to sleep without pulling her tail, which surprisingly doesn't seem to bother her.

We are taking you on another plane trip in just three days- it will be your third trip on a plane and you are only nine months old! You travel so well we can't help it, we want to take you everywhere and do everything with you.

I have had so many wonderful opportunities in my life- I want you to have all of those and more. I want to take you to different cities, states, countries. I want you to see museums, national parks, roadside attractions, anything and everything. Some days I am in a hurry for you to get older so that you will remember these things but most days I am wishing that you will just stay young and innocent forever.

I would like to say that I wish you would stay small and snuggly but you are so independent already that the only time you want to snuggle is when you are sick or falling asleep. That's ok, I will take those golden moments whenever I can get them.

I just can't believe how blessed I am. You are going to be an amazing woman some day and I am so fortunate to be here. I love you Pie!

Love,

Mommy

At peace

I say that I am at peace with everything right now but I am certain that in another two weeks (the cycle that IF'ers live and die by) I will be manic yet again.

So just what am I at peace with? The fact that I was able to conceive and have a beautiful child while so many others are still managing day by day. For now, (and probably only for now) I am ok with the fact that I do have a beautiful baby girl. I have been anxious to get back on the fertility train and go for another round, but my husband and I had a heart to heart this weekend and I think that maybe we are going to put it on hold.

Yes, I hear the sarcasm dripping from your thoughts. It is mighty kind of us to hold off on trying to have another one, while you are still working on your first. It's like I've crossed a line that I can never go back over now that I do have a baby. It isn't as if I don't recall the tears, anger, despair, and outright depression that accompanied my two years of unexplained infertility. And it isn't like there is a guarantee that we could even have another one.

I have been absolutely manic as it is, counting down the refills in my birth control, occasionally debating just tossing it altogether and going back to charting as a sole method of birth control. But knowing how manic I have already been, how obsessed with the thought of becoming pregnant again, I have agreed with my husband that maybe we should hold off on trying again.

Apparently (and this is something we really should have discussed long before this point) my husband is "two and through". Personally, I always pictured three. Considering the fact that I wanted three, along with the fear of getting pregnant over age thirty five I always thought we better get started again by the time Hayley turns one.

However my husband has other thoughts. He only wants two, which really surprises me because we are both from large families and I always pictured having that sort of chaos around here. Actually, and maybe he is just teasing me, but he thought we should stop with just one. Sorry but I can't raise an only child, I would never know what to do with her. There must be at least one sibling to torture her and vice versa.

So knowing that my husband only wants one more I don't see any rush in trying again so soon. Besides, the pediatrician said it is ideal to have three years between each.

I struck a deal with my husband. I told him if we aren't going to try to have another baby during the next year then I at least want to travel. Somewhere real. So it looks like I will be trading one obsession for another. I can't stay away from checking out the hot fare alerts and travel specials online.

So stay tuned. Today we're off, tomorrow we're on.

Random Acts of Kindness

To the lady in the drive through line in front of me at Starbucks this morning- THANK YOU.

Your one small act of kindness this morning brightened my whole outlook, not only on the day, but on life and mankind. It is amazing how something so simple as a stranger randomly paying for your cup of coffee can restore your faith in humanity.

I have been disheartened by all the sad stories of child abuse and mothers gone missing lately. But today a complete stranger helped me to realize that we as people are not entirely doomed.

Whatever motivated you to pay for my coffee and then drive off without so much as allowing me to thank you I will never know. But just know that since I was unable to thank you, I returned the favor to the gentleman behind me.

Your one small act of generosity moved me to tears on my drive to work this morning. It was a reminder that there are still things that we can do to show others how much we care. I will remember it, and one day, I will randomly start the chain too.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, you couldn't have picked a better day or time to do this. Thank you again.

I'm a strange duck

Some women collect shoes, or purses. Me? I collect (pause for effect) strollers. You heard right. Strollers.

Just how many strollers can one person have? No, seriously? Isn't a stroller a stroller? My answer is, no. Not all strollers are built alike. So I'm here to enlighten you. And to justify my newest stroller purchase.

It goes like this. When you are pregnant you start to try to figure out what you are going to need and use. You do this based upon countless words of advice from the experts- your friends that already have children. You then take those pearls of wisdom and you search the internet. Maybe you lurk on a chat board where people talk up their favorite products. If you are like me you read consumer reviews online or in Consumer Reports.

Then comes the practical experience application. You gather your significant other, best friend, mom, or sister (all of them together?) and hit the baby store to "test drive" your favorite products. If you are like me you will find that some things you were in love with on the internet are so impossibly impractical that you leave the store disenchanted having registered for something else completely.

So anyway, back to the strollers. I think there are two types of stroller people. Those (like myself) that have always pictured a travel system stroller combo as the only way to go, and those that are probably more practical and realize that a snap and go stroller is just as functional but takes less space and muscles to get in and out of the trunk. And costs less to boot.

When I was doing my research I found the Chicco Cortina travel system. This is like the cadillac of travel systems. The carseat was absolutely perfect and the stroller drove like a dream. Downside? The thing felt like it weighed forty pounds and the very first time I had to put it in the car when Hayley and I wanted to go somewhere I couldn't figure out how to make it fit in the trunk. I almost cried because I thought we were going to be housebound- knowing my husband wouldn't let me buy a new car for such a silly reason and we weren't going to let a three hundred dollar travel system go to waste.

This was the beginning of my stroller fetish. Would it be appropriate to call it a fetish? A strange fascination with strollers of all shapes and sizes?

I also received a fifteen dollar fold up stroller umbrella at my shower, which I couldn't wait to use. I remembered those as a kid and always thought of them as pretty neat- it amazed me at how tiny they could fold up. Right off the bat I had two strollers. You would think I was set.

Somewhere along the way I decided that it would be really cool to have a jogging stroller. If you have searched Ebay or Craigslist lately then you know that there are others out there with that same line of thinking- and most of them are only used a handful of times before being relegated to storage.

I kept my eye on Craigslist for a good month and found a lady that was selling a Chicco jogging stroller- originally wanted one hundred fifteen dollars for it but settled on my offer of seventy five. Woo hoo- I got a jogging stroller! Of course, I bought it right as the summer heat rolled in and we only used it, you got it, four times. I don't really jog with it, we strap on our roller blades and push Hayley. Note to self, buy her a helmet before taking her out in the fall, I can see an accident waiting to happen.

Ok, so three strollers in and you would think I would be satisfied. Nope. I realized that when we flew with Hayley to Hawaii and Canada it was all dandy because she was still in her travel system carseat. The carseat snapped in to the stroller, since we had to take the carseat anyway the stroller made sense. Now she is in the convertible carseat so I realized that in order for us to take our large stroller on this trip we will need to rent an SUV at the other end to accommodate all of our stuff. Hmm.

Here goes my fuzzy math as my husband calls it. If I have to spend an extra eight bucks a day to rent a gas hog just to lug around my stroller why don't I just spend a little extra and buy a smaller fold up stroller that would fit in the trunk of a regular sedan? And bingo- I had him sold too.

So I started looking. I'm a Chicco snob. I wanted a Chicco to match all my others. (Like Coach purses?) I went online and researched all the reviews. The Chicco had pretty good reviews on average- the most common complaints were that your feet hit the wheels as you walked, the wheels fold up and dirty the canopy, the locking mechanism was tough to lock, and the recline wasn't much of a recline. Yeah, well, none of those really seemed to be an issue to me.

I went to the store and test drove the Chicco. Low and behold my feet hit the wheels. I couldn't snap the locking mechanism shut. Apparently I was the first to actually fold up the stroller in the store because when I unfolded it the wheel marks were evident on the canopy. The recline was only enough for what I would consider Hayley to lean back and drink a sippy cup. But I was still sure that I was going to buy it because after all, it was a Chicco.

Two strollers over was the Graco IPO. Graco. All I could remember about Graco was that they had their share of recalls. I hadn't even bothered to look at the online reviews for the Graco because I had Chicco on the brain. I took the Graco off the shelf (a little heavier than the Chicco- seventeen pounds versus eleven) but as soon as I pushed it I knew I was hooked.

If you are looking for a stroller comparison here is mine: the Chicco was 59.99 and the Graco IPO was 79.99. Price? Chicco 1, Graco 0.

Neither had a cup holder so score is still 1-0.

Weight? Chicco eleven pounds, Graco seventeen pounds. 2-0

Maneuverability? Chicco- light weight lets you zip in and out of traffic- when you aren't tripping over the wheels. Graco- medium weight, not as much zip but more staying power. 2-1

Ease of use? Chicco- plain umbrella stroller- regular handles, tough to clip shut. Graco- umbrella stroller with oomph, foam padded handles that were a little taller, a cinch to clip shut. 2-2

Recline? Chicco- unzip it to allow for another inch of room- reminds me of expanding your suitcase. Graco- pull a tab in the back and either sit up or recline several inches. 2-3

Storage Basket? Chicco- there is one but it seems totally useless. Entry to the storage basket is blocked by the crossbars of the stroller. Graco- small but definitely functional. Won't fit a monster diaper bag like mine but will fit my Coach purse. 2-4

Colors/Style? Chicco- bold colors- red, turquoise, lime, polka dot. Fun, if you are a whimsical type of person. Graco- "latte" color- which is neutral. 2-5

Capacity? Chicco max weight 37 pounds, Graco 50 pounds. Giddyap. 2-6

Needless to say I was won over by the Graco. I brought it home, snapped on the wheels (oh yeah, a baby could put it together), and pushed Hayley in laps around the tile floor downstairs. She loved it. So did I. I can't wait to take it through the airport next week.

Next stroller on my list? A double jogger. For when I have two kids to push around.

Motherhood and Career Moms

You know, I cried my eyes out the day I had to return to work. I wanted nothing more than to stay home and watch every moment of my baby girl growing up. I swore that if I could stop spending money faster than it came in I would be a stay at home mom.

I guess though, somewhere over the last six months I have discovered that I probably wouldn't want to stay home- at least not full time. I find that it isn't that I don't want to be patient with Hayley, it is that I don't have the patience with myself. I need the challenge of working outside the home. I need to feel like an adult.

I've really been thinking about it for the last few days. And I don't feel guilty like I thought I would. I guess I feel somewhat relieved. It is ok to be a career mom. I give Hayley 100% of my time when we are together. We don't even turn on the tv at night until after she goes to bed. I know that although my time with her is limited it is most definitely quality time and I don't regret that for even a moment.

Don't mistake me, I love my daughter more than anything. I would like to think I have the patience to be a stay at home mom, but I'm not sorry that I'm not. I know that there are things she does that I miss out on. I know that the first time I saw her clap her hands together was probably not the first time that she did it, but it didn't diminish what I saw or felt.

So I guess I'm just saying, if you happen to be googling anything with regards to being a working mother, don't feel bad. You really can be good at both. Whether you do it by choice or out of necessity, your children will not feel any less loved. And at least you can provide them the dance lessons and summer camp that they are going to be begging for later.

I'm a working mom and I'm damn proud of it.

Dear Hayley,

July 6, 2007

Dear Hayley,

Tomorrow you will be thirty six weeks old. About ten days ago you mastered your first word. "Uh-Oh". Does that word count? And if so, is it any indicator of the trouble you may get yourself into? If you are anything like Mommy when I was younger we will be hearing uh-oh quite often.

Just three days ago you mastered your second word and it is music to my ears. "Mama". I was changing your diaper on the changing table. You said "mama". I was so surprised I cried out "Did you just say mama?" You said it again. I wanted to grab you and snuggle you tight but you had a bare bottom and I didn't want to scare you. I hurried up, finished putting a fresh diaper on you and then grabbed you and snuggled you. Then you said it about fifteen more times, and I couldn't get enough.

We waited until Dada got home and then we shared our new trick. It was a little sad, I think it would have been a nice treat for him if you had said Dada first but in true Dada fashion he simply said "now when Hayley cries out in the middle of the night we will know she wants Mama to get out of bed and come to her".

You and I are secretly practicing Dada. Hopefully we will be saying it together soon.

You also give kisses. You make the cutest little smacking noise with your lips and you know that lips are for kissing. You  kiss with an open mouth but we love it either way.

And you are most definitely mobile. You are working on trying to stand rather than crawl. You get on your hands and knees and then push your legs until your legs are straight and your bottom is high in the air. No walking yet! We haven't babyproofed the house!

Oh and how you absolutely love the water. We took you to the river last weekend and you wore your little lifejacket with no complaints. You got in the big lake and happily floated around without so much as a whimper. Everyone just loves how happy you are, including us.

You just make me so proud in so many ways. I am so blessed to be your Mama. I love you my little Bug!

Mommy

MaMa!

And it's official- Hayley now says Mama. I was so excited I could barely stop grinning from ear to ear. I was a little sad because I really thought I could get her to say Dada first- wanted him to have a little treat. Although I cannot take credit for her actually learning mama, it just happened. Although she must have said it fifteen times tonight, I kept asking her and she kept saying it!

So now, let's see, Hayley is thirty five weeks three days old. She has two teeth, says two words, army crawls, drinks from a sippy cup, and tries to feed herself with a spoon (no food on it yet). I love this kid. I love every minute of this. I am sure that she is just right on track with all other babies her age but of course we want to believe she is a little genius.

Mama. One simple word yet so much feeling.