Sam is still in the NICU

I didn't post about this last night because I was afraid I would jinx it- and I'm glad I didn't post it. Yesterday while I was there feeding Samantha the nurse was filling out our discharge paperwork. Then last night when I called to check on her at 10pm, 1am, and 4am the nurse told me she was struggling a bit with her feedings but to call between 9 and 10am as she was expected to discharge today.

She didn't discharge today. They put the feeding tube back in. I was crushed. They called the counselor in to talk to me who stupidly asked "Mommy, why are you crying?" Are you freakin' kidding me? Because I want a puppy. Why do you think I'm crying? I've been crying all day. We found out around noon that she wasn't discharging. Yesterday afternoon they moved her back to Baby Place, not my favorite as there are four babies to one nurse.

They told us that she lost weight (went from 4 lbs 14 oz to 4 lbs 13 oz) and that now instead of needing a minimum of 40cc's she needs 48 each feeding. As we sat there and I reeled from the news she only took 37 cc's. Of course the feeding tube went back in.

She is tiny. It does tire her out to eat. Yesterday was a crazy day for her. They moved her, not once but twice- once in the NICU to a new nurse and location and then again to Baby Place. She also had the carseat challenge yesterday- she had to spend an hour in her carseat to determine if she could maintain the appropriate oxygen levels. With all that action going on can you imagine why she wasn't able to focus and power down her bottles?

Even this morning as I struggled to get her to 37 cc's I could see that eating tires her out. I understand why they need to keep her. What crushed me was starting the discharge paperwork and thinking that I would finally get to bring her home. I know that is why they don't like to commit to anything- and yet you could literally be walking out the door and they will stop you. It feels as if I am never going to get her home, and before you say "it will be fine" just stop and hold your breath. Yes, it will be fine. Fine next week does not fix a broken heart today. Pregnancy and hormones are hard enough. Hormones after delivery are ridiculous. I just can't stop crying. I don't really want to hear that it will be fine. And I don't want to hear that she is very premature.

Because that was stupid comment number two from the counselor. "She is a very premature baby you know." DUH. YOU THINK? Seriously.

So I have spent the better part of today praying. I need to find peace with this and I just can't. My husband is at a loss for how to help me, and I am at a loss for how to help myself. As of right now I am guessing (not even hoping) that if she eats well for the next 24 hours that potentially they could discharge her on Friday or Saturday. I can't even bring myself to call and ask how she is doing because I am afraid of the answer. I will say this- the nurse on the day shift knows how distraught I am and she called me after the 6pm feed to tell us that Sam took 60cc's and no gavage was needed. Tears again. I was glad she called me because the NICU does not take calls or visitors from 6:15-8 each morning and night. So at least I got to hear from the dayshift nurse before she left.

I am not the first person to have to leave a baby or babies in the NICU. My baby is also not the sickest to ever go in and come out. But until you actually have to do this, leave your baby and only spend about two or three hours a day with them you have no idea what this is like. I wish I hadn't had a c-section and could drive myself there each day. I wish the hospital wasn't half an hour away from my home. I wish I could find a way to stay there 24 hours and not have a two year old suffering at home. But none of those can be done and in the mean time I am left empty at the thought that I still do not know when Sam is coming home.

When is she coming home? When they release her.

Comments

[Dianne]

I wish there was more I could do. But all I can say is that you and your's are in my prayers. Holding your concerns in my heart.

[yvonne]

My Dear Friend Jenn - Your pain is so raw and laid there for us all to see. I am so sorry that you are faced with such turmoil every hour of every day and you will be until the day you leave there with Samantha. I really want to be there for you, yet I know there is nothing I could do or say that will make you feel any better... perhaps I could slap the councellor for you though?
Please try to get some rest, I know sleep must be very low on your list of priorities, but it will catch up with you Jenn. You have a wonderful husband who despite trying will never feel what you are feeling at this moment and unfortunately you will never be able to express to him exactly how you feel.
None of this is your fault, you are not being punished in any way although I am sure you have tortured yourself since the minute Samantha arrived.
I can not say I know how you feel, but Lee does. It may help to call her & talk this through. Hang in there honey, relish the small steps that Samantha takes and I will pray that she is home with you soon.
My heart breaks for you Jenn - Love Yvonne x

[Lee]

Jenn, I'm sorry. It breaks my heart to see you go through this. I can't help but cry for you as I know the intensity of pain you are experiencing. I also know that doesn't help you.
One little positive note though... my c-section was on a Sunday, and I started driving myself to the hospital the day after I was released, Friday. I had to switch my pain meds. I wish I could remember what they were, but I don't... I have an appointment tomorrow with my obgyn, so I will ask her and let you know immediately.
Let your husband hold you, and just cry. Tell him he doesn't need to do a thing, there is nothing that can be done but to breathe through the moment and love those around you.
Love Lee
xoxo