The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

Dear Samantha,

December 31st, 2008

Dear Samantha,

My dearest, sweetest Samantha... where do I start? You have blessed our lives in so many ways. You really are a sweet, happy baby although I had a tough time for a few months there. When we first brought you home you were so totally content. Then for about eight weeks or so you seemed to cry all the time- I was worried that we would never "get" you.

Finally, it all clicked. You only cry when your tummy hurts, which happens to be quite often. You have also learned to do a little "Samantha Roar", which is what I call your cry when you don't really need anything, just want someone to pay attention to you.

I knew I would be going back to work and my dear sweet baby, I was torn. I love spending my days with you, but I also know that I want to provide a beautiful life for you. I want you to have the opportunity to travel like I have, go to good schools, and have every chance to succeed in your life. And so I decided that in order for me to be the best Mommy I could be I needed to go to work. Not because of money, or material items, but because I know that the time I spend at work away from you makes me cherish the time I spend with you all the more.

With your big sister I was worried about how quickly she could hit all the milestones, how quickly she could grow up, and how I should be following all the rules. With you I want you to know that I want you to stay my cuddly little baby for as long as possible. The rules are out the window. I even sleep with you in my bed because that gives me eight long hours of snuggle time. I am selfish, I will admit it.

You are my baby girl. You will always be my baby girl. I will try not to treat you like a baby when you are growing up but in my mind you will always be my tiny little baby- the one who decided she wanted to meet her Mommy so bad that she came six weeks early.

Mommy loves you Baby Sam.

Pumping Mom

I know that many of my family members read my blog so this topic may be a little more information than they want to know but I have many others that come here too and I think it's something worth sharing so if you are interested read on, and if you are uncomfortable stop now.

I went back to work yesterday for a full day even though I hadn't planned to do that until January 5th. Hey so far none of my plans to return to work have been exact so why should that be any different?

I brought my pump and I told myself I was going to stick to my regular feeding schedule. So Sam eats at 10,1,and 4. It's harder than it sounds. I mean, I have an office with a door that locks and everything! Yet I was answering calls and taking questions and before I knew it I was already at 11am. Shoot! So I figured I would still pump at 1 to stay on schedule. Nope. I didn't pump until 2. And then I went ahead and made time to pump at 3:45 so I wouldn't skip the 4pm pump altogether.

Breastfeeding is hard work. It sounds so simple right? Baby gets hungry, Mommy whips out dinner in no time flat. It doesn't work that way. Sam nursed every two hours (from start to start- which meant sometimes it was only an hour in between feedings). I would feed her in the middle of the night and pump right after. Now that I have gone back to work I am struggling already. At one point yesterday I only pumped 2 ounces, which had I been actually nursing would not have been enough to fill her up.

They say stress can affect the quantity of your milk- and if that is true then by the end of this week I should be all dried up. I commend those moms that pump and get their kids all the way to the one year mark- I have a friend that did it. I don't know how she did it either, maybe now would be a good time to call her and ask for some helpful tips. In the mean time, if you have any helpful tips, now would be a great time to comment!

A few photos

I have only two minutes to post- so I will put as many as I can right now and then more later...

 

Hayley just loves to help with the baby.

 

Baby it was cold in Canada! Cousin A all bundled up.

   

Crazy Uncle N.

 

Hayley surrounded by all of her cousins. We couldn't get her to wear a hat or coat- we were lucky to get her in the photo at all, she was pretty crusty.

 

Cousin R, looking pretty hip.

 

Sam sleeping amidst all the action.

 

Grandpa and Grandma and their legacy.

 

I love this photo of Hayley.

 

Sam having a good sleep in Uncle R's arms.

 

Oh yeah- and this picture didn't come from Canada, this picture came from my back patio. BRRRR.

 

Well, that's it for now- more to follow!

Winefest 2008

It all started off innocently enough. My husband put a bottle of wine in the freezer as he likes it like a slushee. We left it in the freezer too long and there was a layer of slush on the top- so much that when we went to pour the wine only a dribble came out.

I said to my dad, "Get a straw," and before I finished my sentence he was off and back again with a gi-normous straw right in the bottle. What I meant to say was "Get a straw and poke it though the glacier at the top."

Oh well. Let the winefest proceed.

Merry Christmas!

We have arrived home from our whirlwind trip to Canada to visit with my husband's family. Four days went much too quickly but given the choice I would do it all over again. Now that we are home we are going to spend a whirlwind few days with my family- already my sister and her family are here from Ohio and my other sister will be here with her family hopefully late tomorrow night. Can't wait!

So hope that your Christmas Day is beautiful, filled with family, friends, happiness, and love. Photos will be posted soon!

Through the Eyes of a Child

 It is indeed a cold day in hell. It is snowing in the desert! We get snow every now and then but they are forecasting up to ten inches. Not probable, but possible, so we'll see.

Hayley just figured out what rain was about two weeks ago (since we rarely get any of that either)-and now we are trying to explain what snow is. We were looking together out the sliding glass door. She said "Look Mommy! It's snowing! Looks like butterflies!".

Yes, the way the large flakes came swirling down I can see how they looked like butterflies. I just love seeing this world through the eyes of a child.

Here is a view of the golf course from our balcony. I wouldn't have been surprised to see a die hard golfer go by- the other day when we had dense fog they were still golfing even though you couldn't see ten feet in front of them. I just wonder how they knew where their ball went?

Anyway, the snow has melted off quite a bit already so I guess we are still going to have to go to work today. But I'll bet lots of other people are staying home so maybe it will be nice and quiet!

Returning to Work

Originally I was supposed to return to work on December 10th as that was the end of my FMLA (twelve weeks). Since Sam technically would only have been six weeks old at that point I requested that we extend my leave outside of FMLA to January 5th. That would have given me a total of sixteen weeks off.

I actually went back to work today. I have said before, we are very blessed. One of our blessings is that we are very, very busy at work. They need me back, and honestly, I think I need to be back. I love my children, and I will miss them immensely, but I know that it is the right thing for me and for my family to go back to work.

One more of my blessings is that my employer is flexible. I am fortunate that my next three weeks are going to be "flex", which means that I am going to be able to work a few hours in the office each day but that I am also going to be able to work the remainder from home. So for the next three weeks I will still be able to be home with my baby and try to work both of us into a routine.

I know that some mothers are suited to stay home. I just don't know that I am one of them. I also know that this time with my children is time I will never get back. And I do want to make the most of it. If I am home ten hours a day with my kids and I let them watch tv for five of those hours because I am too exhausted to do anything else then how is that parenting any better than spending two hours each morning and two hours each evening really actually playing with and listening to them? I do believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When I am away from Hayley for eight or nine hours a day I am excited when I pick her up from daycare. I want to hear all about her day. I want to go home and play with her. Yes, I am generally exhausted from work too, but it is a different kind of exhausted.

So if you see now that my blogging leaves a little to be desired you will know why. I will try to keep up on it- especially in the wee hours of the morning. Sam gets up at 4am and it seems no matter how hard I try there is just no way I can get back to sleep. Not that I can't get back to sleep, just usually Sam or Hayley don't LET me get back to sleep.

My first day back was, well, busy. I brought home my homework and didn't yet get it started, which means that I will be working late tonight and early tomorrow morning. It is going to be tough- I had a list of things I needed to do before I went back to work (things like cleaning out closets, organizing the garage) and now those things will be on hold indefinitely. The house looked like a hurricane hit it so my first priority when I got home this afternoon was to clean. Except that didn't happen, because Sam was pretty wound up from having been at the office with me this morning. So I wound up cleaning the house after dinner, when I was planning to get working. And now I am blogging instead of working.

I guess I better stop procrastinating!

Reflections

Holidays always do this to me. If only I could live every single day of the year as if the holidays were approaching then maybe I could be a little kinder, a little more thankful, a little more patient.

I always find that when Thanksgiving and Christmas are upon me that I am all of those things. I reflect more. I am more thankful. I am kinder. I at least try to be more patient. There is just something about the holidays that really bring that out in me. I suppose it could go the other way too. I could be more stressed. I could be less patient.

This year we have so much to be thankful for. And this year we have the opportunity to spend the holidays with both sides of the family- in it's entirety. I am so excited I think I am giddy like a child on Christmas Eve. Every day...

I talk on the phone with my sister from Texas every other day. We are crazy with excitement, planning, planning, planning all the fun things we are going to do while she is here. It's like we are school girls again, sharing a room, whispering secrets late into the night. It's like we are back to where we were five years ago, before she ever moved away. We talk about what she is going to bring with her- (her Wii so we can play golf!), we talk about the meals we are going to share while she is here, we talk about the fun we are going to have when all of our children get together- and the chaos that is sure to ensue!

I was on the phone with my sister from Ohio, whom I don't get to speak with very often. We spoke through tears about how blessed we are this year that we are going to be able to share the holiday amidst all the other things that are going on in each of our lives. I can't wait to see both of my sisters and their families.

I have a sister right here in town that I don't get to see enough, and I am excited that we are all going to get to come together, for the first time in three or four years (maybe five?). I can't even remember exactly when the last time we were all together was. First one sister moved to Texas, then the other moved to Ohio, then the third moved across town. Silly as it sounds, even living 26 miles away is far enough that we don't see each other as often as we would like.

I scratch off each day on the calendar (well, in my mind because I don't really even know what day it is anymore) and I tell Hayley each day that we are one day closer to playing with cousins. We are one day closer to taking a big airplane trip to Canada to see Grandma and Grandpa. We are one day closer to Santa Claus bringing presents. I can totally see the magic of Santa Claus now. Now I "get" it all. There is nothing better than being a mother, and nothing better than spending the holidays with your family.

May you all be as blessed as we are this year.

More of my "I Never's" and "I Always"

I hate that there are many things I am finding I said I would never do but now could care less about. It isn't even all things that I said I would never do, some things are things I said I would always do but then find that it is less and less of a priority.

For example, before I had Hayley I decided that I would always dress her every single day even if we weren't going out. I don't know why I had this crazy requirement that my infant know each day that she needed to change out of her jammies in the morning and wear regular clothes all day. I can tell you that although I always dressed Hayley every.single.day that I don't do that with Sam. Some days she wears her jammies from the night before all day until she spits up on them. And then sometimes I do change them first thing in the morning. Into another pair of jammies. Sometimes I even take her out of the house in jammies. Which I always swore I would NEVER do.

I swore I would never introduce Hayley to McDonalds Happy Meals- or at least I would hold off until she was like school age. HA! Not only do I buy her chicken nugget happy meals but I also buy her their soft serve ice cream. I guess I'm not doing so well on the health-o-meter.

I said I would never yell at my children. But I swear the ear wax in a two year old's ear must be thick enough to cork a wine bottle because she doesn't hear me unless my voice gets close to breaking the sound barrier. I have no doubt my neighbors can hear me yelling at her and they must think I am terrible. If this was three years ago, before I had Hayley even in my arms I would think I was terrible too. Believe me, I've tried other methods. I've tried setting a hand on her shoulder or arm to get her attention before I speak to her. I've tried dropping my voice to a near whisper so she really has to listen. Those things may work some day, but not for a twenty six month old. At least not for my twenty six month old.

I said my children would never just sit in front of the tv. I will admit, there are days where I am too exhausted to entertain Hayley and I do let her watch tv. Alot. I am hoping once Sam is older I can use the same mantra that my parents used on us "Go play with your sister. Outside. It's nice. Get some fresh air." (Although my parents also used to smoke in the house when we were kids so they were right- it was nice outside and the air was fresh)

There are up-sides too. I always said my children would be well behaved and well mannered- and I find that to be something I have not compromised on. Hayley is so unfailingly polite it is tough to tell her no. "Mommy, I watch a tiger show peas?". And if it is like the fourth time (today) to watch the Jungle Book I will likely still turn it on because she is just so darn cute.

I said I would always take time to enjoy the little moments with my children. Today was the prime example. This morning when Hayley got up from bed and I was changing her diaper she stood up and said to me "Mommy, I love you sooo much."

You know what punkin? Mommy loves you sooo much too. Sometimes I say I will never and sometimes I will say I always but there are two things I know I will never and always do- I will never stop trying to be a good Mommy and I will always love my children. And I guess those are just going to have to be good enough.

Do Potato Flakes Count As a Vegetable?

You know, I give Kate Gosselin (Jon & Kate Plus Eight) credit. Her kids eat their meals. My kid? Not so much. Kate and I subscribe to the same thought process about well rounded meals. Lunch for her kids is a sandwich, yogurt or cheese, piece of fruit, crackers or popcorn, and juice or water. Any one of my friends could tell you I am the queen of side dishes. I believe that every meal should have two side dishes.

For example, if we have tacos the side dishes would be spanish rice and refried beans. Or with spaghetti the side dishes would be garlic bread and salad. Hamburgers- side dishes are usually potato or macaroni salad and chips (even though they aren't the healthiest side). If you ask my husband the side dishes with hamburgers is the bun. Top and bottom bun equals two side dishes. I also try to make sure the side dishes are complimentary to the meal while encompassing all of the food groups whenever possible. So you won't find me making a meal like my baby sister, for example her meal might consist of Pasta Roni and Au Gratin Potatoes. Nothing about that meal is well rounded to me. Where is the main dish?

So my question is, do potato flakes really count as a vegetable? Because if so then I am certain we are getting our daily recommended allowance of veggies. But if not then we are in trouble. And also, what food group does gravy fit into?

I swore that when I became a mother I would teach my child the principles of healthy eating. I try to have veggies or fruit served with every meal for her. She gets plenty of dairy products. She isn't so great at the protein thing unless it is a dinosaur chicken nugget but I do sneak in beans and peanut butter on a regular basis so I'm not overly concerned. The problem is, now that I have Sam, if dinner can't be ready in four minutes then we aren't eating it.

Meals now consist of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Potato flakes and crock pot roast. Lots and lots of ramen. If you had told me three years ago that when I had children I would be too tired to round out our meals I would have laughed. I was no Bree Hodge or Martha Stewart back then but I did care about how we ate. I still care, I just don't seem to have the time or energy to do much about it.

Instead I subscribe to Rachel Ray Magazine every month- AS IF- I am ever going to make anything in her magazine for dinner. I also get the Kraft magazine, which I love, but when it comes to crunch time I never seem to pull off the dinners in the magazine even though they are ridiculously easy and usually involve ingredients even my husband will eat.

I need to start working out a weekly meal plan, and then stick to it. Maybe that will be my New Year's Resolution. How about you? How do you plan meals and how well do you stick with them?

Updated Photos

  I'm still not as regular at this as I used to be but at least there are a few of Sam now. On with the pictures!!

Sam telling Dada a story...

 

Sam loves her Dada... Just look at those cheeks!! I just love kissing those chubby little cheeks!

 

Hayley and Mommy put up the Christmas tree this week. It's only half done though- like all of my other decorating around here.

 

Cheese! I couldn't really get her interested in the camera- she was more interested in covering herself in glitter.

 

I loved this shot- the sunlight hit her head just right and gave her an angelic glow.

 

One of my favorite action shots- my little angel deep in thought about her decorating technique.

 

Finally got her to look up and smile for the camera.

 

Meanwhile here is what my other angel was doing while Mommy and Hayley worked on the tree.

 

Grandma in Canada calls this "school". Sam is already starting school, with big sister to help with schoolwork. I couldn't get Hayley away from either Sam or the toys! That's ok, Sam didn't seem to mind.

 

Hey there- hands off my toys will ya?

 

Hi Mommy!

Hey, this is kind of fun!

 

I like these toys. I think I like going to school too!

 

Never mind, I decided I don't like school and I am done NOW. Get me OUT.

 

And that's the end of the pictures I took over the last few days. More to follow! Just a few short weeks until we get to spend time with both sides of the family and I can't wait! I'm sure there will be lots of fun photos then too, if I can take them with one hand. Usually there is lots of eating (and drinking) going on. The good thing is there are alsolots of extra hands to help with Sam and lots of kids to help with Hayley.

Dear Samantha,

December 6th, 2008    

Dear Samantha,

You are eleven weeks old already and I just don't know where the last three months have gone. I took you to see the doctor two days ago and you weighed nine pounds ten ounces already! I was very pleased to hear that even if you hadn't come six weeks early that you are right in the normal weight range for an eleven week old. That means that you are eating enough (even if it does seem like that is all you do!).

You have been smiling at us for the last few weeks and as a matter of fact you are smiling at me right now as I am holding you and typing single-handed. But this week you have really started talking to us and it brings tears to my eyes every time you do it.

You see, when you were in the NICU so tiny and fragile it was very hard for Mommy to see you any other way. I could only think of your milestones each day as they came, things like eating one ounce per feed (we are way over that now!), and things like gaining a few grams so they would let you come home. I couldn't even imagine when you would be holding your own head up, smiling, or cooing at us. I kept thinking of you in diaper sizes, for example then you were in preemie diapers.

Each time you graduated to another diaper size I celebrated. You went from preemie to newborn and I was so excited. Then rather quickly you made it out of newborn into size one and I celebrated again. You are going to be in size two very,very soon and although I will celebrate I will also be a little sad.

One day when you are a Mommy you will understand. We love watching our babies grow into beautiful young people who constantly amaze us but we also wish our babies would stay babies. Once you are grown we can't just snuggle you whenever we want, we have to wait for you to want to be snuggled. We can't just grab you and cover you with kisses. So for now please know that Mommy snuggles you all the time. I kiss you constantly, whether you are awake or sleeping. I'm trying to store them up for myself for a time that you don't want me to do it so often.

You have grown so much in the last eleven weeks. I have no doubt you will be a very beautiful woman one day, both inside and out, and I just know that you will make me very proud to be your Mommy.

I love you my sweet Baby Sam. Mommy

Updated Photos

I have mentioned it before but I will mention it again, I now totally understand how the family photo album is always filled with first child photos and not so many of the siblings thereafter. I once asked my husband's mother to get out some baby pictures of him as I really don't know what he looked like as a baby or small child. She said she would find it somewhere. IT? As in, THE baby picture? Now I get it... He was the fourth. Of course there would likely only be one. How would you have time to take any if you had three other kids running around?

So anyway, I really have been making a concerted effort to photograph Sam more often. Problem is I'm either holding her, she's eating, she's sleeping, or I'm chasing Hayley. Consequently most of the photos that I do have of her are her sleeping. You can only take so many sleeping baby photos.

At any rate, I did get a couple this week. I am hoping as she gets a little older and I don't spend as much time holding her that I will have more free hands for the camera. We'll see.

Big Sister enjoying a little tummy time with Little Sister.

 

Tummy time tires us out! 

Smile for the camera!!Ok, so this photo came out sideways and I can't figure out how to flip it now that it is posted. Sorry...

 

Thanksgiving Day. Before the wine.