The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

Dear Hayley,

January 31, 2009

My Dearest Hayley,

It has been awhile since I last wrote you a note and I just can't believe how quickly time has gone. When I wrote you your first note before you were ever born I had no idea how much love a heart could fill with. Once you were here I knew that I needed to write you letters as often as I could, not because I would ever forget how much I loved you but because I want one day to fill a book for you so that you too may look back and know how very much you are loved.

Maybe it's just that I am so emotional about it but I can't even begin to describe just how much I love you. You will hear there are different types of love, love for your family, love for your significant other, but you will never really know how deep love is until you have children and I hope that someday you get to experience that.

You are twenty seven months old. In the last twenty seven months you have amazed us with your beauty, your lively personality, and yes, your love. One day you stood up and said to me out of the blue "Mommy, I love you soooo much." You know what Hayley? Mommy loves you soooo much too.

You just love your baby sister and I am so very happy to see that. You kiss her all the time and you ask to hold her all the time too. When she was a tiny baby it was much easier- now she weighs almost half what you weigh and she wiggles around quite a bit but that doesn't deter you! You are such a good helper with Sam, you kiss her all the time and help us give her the tooty when she needs it. Your baby sister looks at you with adoring eyes and she always will.

I will tell you, it is tough to be the big sister. Sometimes you are expected to do more and be more because you are a role model for your baby sister. She will look up to you and follow you around, even at times that you wish she would just leave you alone. Remember that she just adores you. I will tell you the same thing I told Sam in her letter, sisters are God's way of making sure you will always have a best friend. Your other friends in life will come and go but your sister will always be there for you.

I want you to know that everything I do is for you. I work hard so that you can do all the fun things that Mommy got to do in her life, plus more. I sometimes have to make hard decisions but when I make them I do them with your best interest in mind. You won't always agree with me and I know that. Maybe one day you will understand why Mommies do what they do- we do it because we just love you so much.

It has been a blink of an eye and you are already twenty seven months old. I am trying not to blink anymore, before I now it you will be sixteen, and then you will be graduating college, getting married, becoming a mommy yourself. I write this letter to you through tears, tears of gratitude that I was trusted enough to become your Mommy and that I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to raise you and watch you grow up.

I love you my big girl.

Love, Mommy

Dear Samantha

January 31,2009

Dear Samantha,

I don't get to write you love notes as often as I would like but I want you to know that it is because right now I am taking advantage of every opportunity I can to snuggle you. You are growing so quickly and that little tiny baby that made a fierce entrance is long gone. I can already barely remember what it was like when you weighed just five pounds and were so tiny you fit in the cup of your Dada's hand.

I think that you and I share a truly special bond. You just love to sleep with Mommy- in my arms, in my bed, on my shoulder. And knowing that I don't plan to have any more babies I just want to spend every single minute that I can with you. You will always be my baby girl even when you grow up. I will try not to treat you like a baby but if there are times that you think I don't understand you and don't treat you like a grown up maybe you will someday know why.

This week we switched you to formula and all of a sudden we are meeting the real baby Sam. You are such a happy child- and I am just so glad to see the transformation. You are smiling all the time- even in the dark in the middle of the night when you are supposed to be sleeping! And we can't help it, when you smile at us we have to smile back because your smile is so beautiful and we are just so happy to see it.

You are going to roll over any day now. I know once you start rolling it will be the beginning of your mobility and soon I will be chasing you to grab some snuggle time. While I can't wait to see you become a beautiful young woman I also can't stand the thought of losing my little baby.

You just love your sister and she so loves you too. Remember that. There will be a time when you both are likely competitive, maybe you won't want to be around each other but that time will pass and one day you will truly know how important a sister's love is. Sisters are God's way of making sure you have a best friend around for your whole entire life. Other friends will come and go but your sister will always be your sister. You don't always have to agree with her but I just know that you girls will always love each other. I am so happy that you have each other. She wants to hold you all the time and she is fiercely protective of you whenever strangers come near. She says "Don't toucha baby Sam" and she means it. I know someday you will protect her too.

I look at you and I see many of my features. We still don't know what color your eyes are going to be but regardless you are a beautiful child. We call you "Peanut", mostly because when you were born you were just a tiny little peanut but funny thing, Peanut used to be Mommy's nickname too!

I want you to know that I love you with my whole heart. Everything I do is really for you, even if there will be a day that you don't think so. I work so that you may experience all of the things I got to experience as a child, and more. I sometimes make tough decisions but I always make the ones that I think will be best for you. Sometimes I will discipline you and I know you won't want to hear that I do it because I love you, but it's true.

I am looking at you right now as I type this and I can barely see through my tears. We have been so blessed and you are so very loved. Always remember that my baby girl.

Love, Mommy

An Update on Formula Feeding

Remember last weekend? We started Sam on a strictly formula diet trying to figure out if that was going to help with her puke and fussiness.

I am completely amazed at how this week went. I cannot believe the difference in my child's temperament. She smiles- ALL THE TIME. She pukes almost never. There are days where she can wear the same bib for three feedings. It used to be three bibs to one feeding, plus at least two outfits.

I think she has gained half a pound in the last six days. Her cheeks are chubbing up and so are the rolls in her diaper. She had some chubs before but it is just so much more noticeable. In just six days.

I have mixed feelings. I am so happy that we have unlocked the key to finding our real baby. I am saddened that breastfeeding is over. I wish I had known much earlier how upset her tummy really was because breastfeeding was sometimes hard and maybe we both could have been spared some of the rough spots. My sister said that to think of all the benefits Sam did get from breastfeeding, for example she never once got sick during the first four months. (Of course, she has been on formula for a week and she is getting sick- has been up all night with volumes of snot).

I know that breastfeeding was the right thing for Sam. She was a preemie. She needed the extra protection that I could give her but still, I am sad that she is apparently lactose intolerant and I continued to put her through that.

That's not to say that formula has been without it's challenges either though. When she is hungry she wants it NOW. Not in the two minutes that it takes you to pour water in a bottle and mix up the formula. We had to give up warming it up for her within the first day because literally she could not wait the extra two or three minutes for it to get warm. And it's ok that she doesn't have to take it warm because if we ever have to feed her on the go I don't have to worry about heating it.

She has also gone from eating 4.5 ounces of breastmilk every three hours to eating 6.6 ounces of formula every three hours. That change happened within the first 24 hours as well. I kept fearing that if we gave her more than the 4.5 ounces she would puke it all up but it seems that not only was she lactose intolerant but we were likely starving her because we thought giving her more than 4.5 ounces of breastmilk was too much and was the cause of the puke. Like I said, I am feeling pretty bad about having put Sam through all of that.

One thing I don't understand is that she has actually added a feeding back into the night. We used to nurse at 7 or 7:30 and then she could sleep (albeit restlessly) until 5am. Not anymore. She eats a full 6.6 ounces with a scoop of rice cereal in the bottle at 7 or 7:30 and then wakes (numerous times) and eats somewhere between 1-3am. It's been rough. But she eats another 6.6 ounces in the middle of the night and still eats her first feeding of the morning so I have to assume that she really does need the food.

We have a follow up appointment with our pediatrician on Monday and I look forward to talking with him about all of these things. I'll post what he says in case you have a burning desire to know.

Milestone Coming?

I remember when Hayley was a baby, whenever she wasn't sleeping we would chalk it up to her approaching some milestone. I read in many different articles that when babies and children have milestones coming up that their brains can't shut off and they experience sleep disturbances.

I can't say that I still really believe that, as Hayley just generally doesn't sleep well and hasn't since about a month before Sam was born.

But I would like to believe that it really is true, as Sam has had some very bad nights of sleep these last few nights and it appears that she is going to roll over any day.

I would just like to know what the deal is with Hayley. I mean, seriously. NO. SERIOUSLY.

She was up at 4:45 this morning. For the day. I am exhausted. I am beyond exhausted. Neither of my children sleep and now that I am back to work I am just on the threshold of breaking. My patience is not worn thin, it is transparent. I feel like crying all the time. I am afraid that I am going to snap at someone other than my immediate family. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of complaining about how tired I am. You are tired of hearing about it.

Originally when I started to compose this post it was mostly curse words. I cleaned it up because while I occasionally enjoy using curse words I don't really enjoy reading them unless they are used in moderation and only for emphasis. (Well really, aren't all curse words used for emphasis?) But still, I decided to tone it down.

I have several other friends with newborns too. We are all tired. It's the nature of the beast. I know, I know. I just wonder, I waited to have my children until later in life specifically because I wanted to have more patience. I don't necessarily think that I am more patient, in fact I wonder if I am less patient and that makes me feel bad too. I wonder what I have done to deserve not one but two children that can apparently live on "quick recharge" mode. They need like one third of the sleep that most other children need and can still function at full capacity.

Believe me when I say, I will definitely repay them this kindness when they are sixteen and want to sleep until noon. I will be scheduling ortho appointments at 8am on Saturdays and vacuuming their rooms at 7am on Sundays. Before church.

Meet the real Samantha Jayne

You know they say breast milk is best and I believe it is, for many many reasons. I was so happy to get Sam home and find that even after ten days of strictly bottle feeding she took right to breastfeeding and we never looked back.

I don't know if I have really blogged about it but let me tell you, Sam is a fussy baby. Fussy, fussy, fussy. Sometimes we are beside ourselves because we just don't know what to do to appease her. She cries and she pukes. Alot. At our four month appointment this past Monday the pediatrician prescribed some antacid as he realizes that now that her stomach contents are becoming acidic that her reflux and her throwup are going to be painful.

He also suggested that we thicken her breastmilk bottles with rice cereal, which we did. And his third suggestion since we are working on weaning and I am going to be out of my breastmilk reserves soon is to start her on the AR formula, which stands for added rice cereal. It is a little thicker than regular formula to help it stay down.

This week we started her immediately on thickening the breastmilk with rice cereal as well as started her on the antacid three times a day. We noticed a bit less puke, which was good but she was still generally fussy. So this morning I decided I would give her a formula bottle at her very first feeding.

She woke at 4:40 am and my eyes weren't even open but I made her a bottle which she sucked down with gusto. I was worried that it would be difficult to get her to acclimate to the taste of formula over sweet breastmilk but I had no reason to worry- it appears Sam does not have disciminating taste. We both fell back asleep shortly thereafter and I was really pleased to see that she had no puke. Our last experience with formula was on Christmas Eve when I gave her two ounces on the ride home from the airport and it was probably the worst night ever- she cried, puked, and was gassy all night long.

At any rate, after I had my cup of coffee this morning I discovered that I accidentally opened the wrong can of formula. The pediatrician recommended using Enfamil AR and I had bought one small can to give it a try. But I had also received some Similac samples in the mail and I had accidentally opened the Similac Sensitive- for babies with fussiness and gas. It is milk based but is lactose free. Bingo.

So I gave her another bottle of it at 9am and I am telling you, this kid is night and day different. She had dry burps and only had one small stream of spit up. She is totally happy- she has been all smiles and giggles this morning. Actually, I had to lay her in her crib for a few minutes to get Hayley on the potty and by the time I came back to Sam she had fallen asleep. In her crib. On her own. Do you even grasp the magnitude of this?

I am in awe. Formula. I love it. And I am so glad to really be meeting the real Samantha Jayne. I cannot wait to see what a happy baby she really is. I'm sorry that I didn't realize much sooner just how terrible her little tummy really felt and although I do believe that there were lots of benefits to me breastfeeding for those first four months I also know that there are going to be lots of other benefits to her being happy and feeling good.

Oh my gosh I just don't know what to do. My baby really is a good baby! And maybe, just maybe one day we will all get some sleep.

Reflections on the NICU

I had been thinking lately that now that I am four months removed from our NICU experience that I can look back on it and realize it wasn't all that bad. I wanted to post about how I was just hormonal and everything really was fine for that ten days that Sam spent in the NICU.

But when I went back and read this I started crying as the memories came back all over again. You know what? Four months have dulled the pain but I just don't know that it will ever truly be forgotten.

I guess I could say there are some things that I have come to terms with in that four months. I can say now that looking back I realize the nurses weren't really as harsh as I felt they were when I was living it in real life. I guess there were one or two that I didn't care for but considering Sam worked with at least ten different nurses while she was there I can also say that the majority of them really were nice. I called them NICU Nazi's but I think I was just really hurting and that wasn't really fair to them.

I will say one thing for sure though- my NICU experience was definitely different from every other person I have spoken to. Most other NICU's don't have a two hour time limit on how long you can visit in one sitting. Many other NICU's do allow you to bring in personal items for your baby - things like clothes, blankets, photos, anything to make it a more homely experience. I was really disappointed that I didn't get to bring in any of Sam's blankets or clothing. She did have a beautiful handmade quilt draped over her isolette while she was there and I learned that the NICU takes donations so I am learning to crochet right now and when I get good enough I am going to crochet a few blankets for donations. I have already donated all of Sam's preemie clothes and many of her newborn size clothes to the NICU where she was born.

I am emotional as I write about this all over again. I hope that no one ever has to go through this experience, but I know that in reality there are sometimes things outside of your control. You can do everything right, you can do everything your doctor tells you to do and yet your body or your baby can still decide otherwise. I guess I am finally letting go of the guilt that I felt when she came early. I kept thinking, if only I hadn't been out doing yardwork in July. If only I hadn't taken a ten day vacation in August when I was having frequent harsh contractions. If only I hadn't gone shopping at the Outlet Mall over Labor Day weekend. You know, maybe some of those things did contribute to the pre-term labor, and maybe they didn't. I can't play the "what if" game. Instead I can say that once we did realize we were in trouble I followed the rules. I took the terb every four hours. I stayed on house arrest bed rest. I drank gallons of water.

Yes, my dear baby Sam came early. She is healthy. She is beautiful. The NICU experience was one that I will never EVER forget. But I also have my little girl home with me and that is really all that matters anymore.

 

 

 

In the spirit of cleanliness

Here is the photographic evidence that my children really DO bathe. At least this week.

I must admit, they are just the cutest. Although I also must admit- they do not look anything alike.

Not So Divine Secret Number Nine

I don't really know what secret number this is but I like nine. It's my new number. Not so divine secret number nine is that motherhood is bliss.

NOT.

Don't get me wrong. Motherhood has blissful moments. But in and of itself motherhood is no easy task and you don't sit around staring at your baby or child with love and adoration 24 hours a day. (Contrary to what you are led to believe before you have children)

I was on the phone with my good friend Katie today. I can hear the edge in her voice- it's the same as the edge in mine. Katie has a five week old baby. Katie is sleep deprived. She can't put the baby down as her new baby is the same as my four month old baby- they love to be held. Put them down and they cry. They cry and your body reacts. Hence it is just easier to hold them. All.the.time.

Katie and I originally started talking about getting pregnant around the same time. I think we even went off birth control within a few months of each other. Then it took me two years to conceive Hayley and Katie was at a standstill in her life so she put off having a baby. I am on my second and Katie is on her first so we get to talk very often and I just love that there is someone out there that actually comes to me for motherly advice. I am the late bloomer amongst all of my other friends and most of them have children already starting school. Mine are still in diapers and not sleeping through the night.

I commiserated with Katie but then I got to thinking, it's true that before you have a baby you think it must be absolute heaven. Babies are cute and snuggly. You long for their tiny little bodies to be tucked into your arms. You dream about what it will be like when you finally become a mother. It will be like all those diaper and baby lotion commercials where the mommies and babies stare soulfully into each other's eyes and smile in unison.

And then you bring the baby home. It cries. All the time. Sometimes you can't figure out what the baby wants. She cries when you put her down. She cries when you hold her. She cries after she eats. She cries when she wakes up. Which then sometimes leads to you crying. I cannot tell you how many nights I have spent with Sam in the recliner in the middle of the night- she is crying and so am I because I just can't take anymore.

Everyone asks "How's the baby? How are you doing?" And you don't want to tell them the truth out of fear that they will think you are a terrible Mommy. Katie told me today that she had to let the baby cry for ten minutes because she absolutely had to put her down and she felt like a terrible mother. Yes, I can recall those days vividly. I don't think I ever let Hayley cry once. Of course, with Sam, sometimes she just has to cry because I can physically only deal with one crying child at a time, but I do remember exactly how Katie feels.

There was one day when I was still on maternity leave that I had both girls home. The previous night had been rough, rough, rough and when I kissed my husband goodbye that morning I begged him to please come home on time because I just didn't know if I was going to make it through the day. I think I was crying at the time.

But when people ask us how we are doing we smile through our clenched jaw and we say we are fine. Why? Because we are so afraid that somehow that Kodak moment has passed over us and we are the only ones that don't experience that motherly blind love?

Anyway, Katie dear, I know you don't have time to read this blog. If you have a spare hour you are likely trying to squeeze in a nap. But if you do have time to read just know that this secret is devoted to you. You are not alone in this crazy thing we call motherhood and no, it is not always bliss. It's just one of those hazing rituals that no one will tell you about before you have children because if they did then you likely wouldn't have children. It does get easier (or so I am told, I have not yet discovered that) and although every moment of motherhood may not be perfect and rosy when you do finally get to experience those perfect moments it blurs the pain of the not-so-perfect moments.

One day your two year old will stand up to you and say out of the blue "Mommy, I love you soooo much." Your eyes will tear up and that moment will crowd out the first four months of their life where you had a grand total of sixty hours of sleep.

Or one day when driving home from daycare your two year old will say "Mommy, I have a booger in my nose." And you will say, "Hold on punkin, Mommy will get you a kleenex when we get home." And then she will say "I'll just put it on my door."

Fabulous. Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love motherhood. And all that goes with it.

Cheers to all the Moms out there-

I find therapy in blogging for two reasons. First because I get to vent about anything and everything and second because your feedback is important to me. When I read comments that I am not alone, or comments that I have you laughing, or crying I know that my words have meaning, not only to myself but to others. All bloggers live for comments.

So I wanted to take a moment to give a shout out to some other inspirational Mommies out there. Mommies like Mrs. M, who has four children, works a full time job, and at one time owned a motorcycle- my idol!

Megan- what can I say sister, I can barely manage one household and yet you manage your household in California as well as a second home along with two children. Hands down to you, I don't know how you do it. I don't doubt if I tried to manage a primary as well as a vacation home we would eventually wind up with a critical toilet paper shortage in one of the homes at the most inopportune time due to my disorganized chaos.

Kami, who has selflessly taken on the love of two beautiful little girls while trying to conceive. Your journey is without a doubt long and hard and I just know what a fantastic Mommy you really are.

Minnie... You crack me up. I love your blog. Rock on.

One of my favorite Mommy Idols, Beth. I just love Beth's sense of humor. Some days are good for her, some days are bad, but either way she is real. I can appreciate a "real" Mommy.

My very best friend Kymm... What can I say about you Kymm? I don't even think you read my blog but if you ever do let me just tell you, I adore you. I look up to you. I admire how you handle everything you go through with beauty and grace. You are such a good Mommy, I aspire to be a Mommy like you. Love you sister!

If you want a good laugh and you need a dose of real life go check out Crys. She really is a good Mommy. And she handled the poop incident much better than I know I would have. Seriously, check it out. Classic.

There are so many more fantastic Mommies that I know and time is so short tonight as my own Mommy eyes (even the ones in the back of my head) are burning with exhaustion. If I forgot you this time don't worry, I will post about you one of these days. Give me a really good reason to post though- tell me a toddler story. Or a poop story, I love those. Make me laugh. Make me cry. Make me feel like I'm not alone in this crazy thing called Motherhood. And in the mean time, give yourself some credit too. Here's to you!

The Dirt Between Her Toes

I was really disturbed by the thought that Sam had a shower on Sunday and yet Monday morning at the pediatrician I found dirt between her toes. Really disturbed. I mean, I blogged about it and I still couldn't let it go.

This morning I told my husband how I found dirt between her toes yesterday and he said "Oh, from the black socks she was wearing?". Well. DUH. Of course from the black socks she was wearing Sunday morning. It wasn't dirt. It was lint from her socks!!

And just like that, all is right again in my Mommy world. I cannot tell you all how bothered I was by the thought that my infant, who wears socks and sleepers like twenty four hours a day could possibly have dirt in between her tiny little piggy toes. I really think I lost sleep over this.

Well, I was losing sleep anyway since Sam was generally restless last night. But still. I am just so glad to hear that I am not a terrible horrible mother. My baby was wearing black socks and the lint crept between her toes.

Now see, THAT is why I love my husband. Guys just don't read too much into stuff. They don't obsess like us Mommies do. It wouldn't matter to them if there was dirt between the baby's toes, likely they would just rub it off and move on. Me, I thought and thought about it. I blogged it. I had to write a whole post just to justify that I'm not a dirty person. And then, after all that, I had to mention it to my husband, 24 hours later.

But good thing I did mention it to him because he stated the obvious, which I had so obviously overlooked. I love that man.

Just so you know...

If I come across as sounding like we live in a filthy pigsty, we don't. I mean, it gets messy. Cluttered sometimes. But thanks to a visit from my housekeeper each week it is not filthy.

And although I sometimes go all day without showering and sometimes my kids go without showering we are also not filthy people. We do use soap. When we shower that is.

I just find it funny how priorities change when you have kids. At least they did for me. For example, I just took down the Christmas decorations this weekend. You know, I used to be the perfect housewife. Well, working housewife that was. We have been married for nine years this year (wowza!) and before we had children I always had our decorations up on the day after Thanksgiving and down on New Years day. Always.

Last year I got the decorations up. Sometime before Christmas. And down. I think around February. This year I got some decorations up. The first week of December. And down. What's today? The 19th of January? I guess I'm doing better than last year, considering I have one extra child this year.

I remember driving through the neighborhood the weekend after New Years wondering why everyone hadn't gotten outside to take down their Christmas lights. Now I am wondering, since mine are still out, will my neighbors and the homeowners association really notice or can I get away with it all year?

Oh yeah, and just so you know, the washing machine and dryer have been going all day. I am going to try and get all the laundry washed, folded, and even put away today. Wish me luck.

Dear Samantha,

January 19th, 2008

Dear Sam,

Today we took you for your four month appointment. You weighed ten pounds twelve ounces and are twenty two and a half inches long. Oh my. You have doubled your weight and have grown give and a half inches since you were born.

I feel so terrible because over the last month or so you have been so very fussy. I have said it before, you only cry when your tummy hurts, it just happens to hurt all the time. We got you some medicine and I am really hoping if we can get your tummy problems under control that we will get to meet the real baby Sam. And I cannot wait!

I went back to work a few weeks ago and it was so hard to leave you every day that first week. I just loved having the time home with you that I had. I love snuggling you every chance I get, and I just know that you love snuggling with me too. You smile at me- big smiles- and you talk to me all the time.

I think you are a Mommy's girl. It seems you and I share a special bond, and maybe it is because you are my last baby but I just don't want you to grow up. I want you to stay a baby for as long as possible.

You don't sleep much. What little sleep you do get is usually in my arms or on my shoulder, and again I am hoping with this new medicine that you will get better quality sleep. I am still selfish though- I don't mind when you sleep in my arms although now that you are close to eleven pounds it is much harder for me to do much when you are in one arm.

I cannot believe that you are already four months old. Four months. You have blessed our lives in so many ways, and we are so happy to have you here, home, in our arms. Thank you for being a special part of the last four months of our lives, I am looking forward to all the joy that you will bring.

Love, Your Mommy

THAT Mom

I am going to start by saying, I may be a nerd, or a sucker, but I am not THAT Mommy.

We all know her. Sometimes we think we want to be her. But for me, the truth is, I am not her and I never will be her.

You know, the one who is perfect. Her children are perfect. The whole family outshines the rest of the neighborhood. We bask in their awesomeness. (if that is even a word)

I started thinking about it yesterday when we took my parents to breakfast for my dad's birthday. We were supposed to be at the restaurant at 9:30 am. No large task since both of my children don't sleep. Ever.

I knew the girls would be up at, oh, five am, so we should have plenty of time to get ready and get out the door. I was right. Hayley was up at 5:10 and Sam had already been up from 2 until 5am so I was bleary eyed and, well, awake. Comatose is more like it but I guess since my eyes were open it could be considered a state of alert.

I didn't want to be rushing out the door screaming at my two year old to put on her socks, put on her shoes, get her coat, get in the car so we started getting ready at 7:45. Mind you, the restaurant is ten minutes from our house. So essentially we had about an hour and a half to shower and get dressed. Oh the luxury. I can't remember the last time I had an hour and a half to get showered and dressed. Showers now consist of the entire family getting in, dunking, soaping, screaming about wetting our heads, fighting over the soap bottle, you know, all that fun stuff. But I digress.

I thought we would have tons of time. Except I didn't take into account that although the girls have clean laundry it hasn't been put away. Or even folded. So I had to sift through the laundry basket to find something that wasn't too wrinkly for Hayley. And Sam, well, Sam pukes on everything you put on her before you even get it buttoned up. So I had to find Sam six outfits to wear before we even got out the door.

At any rate, we did get dressed. The kids looked like rockstars and I at least had on clean clothes. By clean clothes I mean if there were any puke stains on my jeans they must have been on the back where I couldn't see them, so they qualified as clean. I think my hair was combed. Some days I can't tell and I figure if it doesn't look like I didn't comb it then it wouldn't matter if it looked like I did comb it.

Of course we were late. We rushed up to the restaurant looking, well, rushed. Harassed might be a better term for it because that is pretty much how you look and feel when trying to get out the door on time. Looking nice.

And as I sat there at breakfast this entire blog ran through my head. I paid attention to my family and all, because I can multi-task like that. But I thought about how before I became a Mommy I was pretty judgemental. I saw those people pushing their kids through the grocery store in their dirty pajamas at like noon and I wondered why they didn't lay down the parental law.

There was a point in my life where I said I never wanted to have children. One day something inside of me snapped and I decided I did want to have children. Perfect ones. Because I was going to be the perfect Mommy. Not sure if that's the Virgo in me or if that's just how all Mommies start out.

Maybe that's how all Mommies start out and it's just an endurance test. Some make it all the way to the finish line and they really are the perfect Mommy. Their children's clothes are not only folded and put away but they are also ironed. IRONED I tell you. These Mommies never forget to bring their diaper bag with them and they wouldn't be caught dead with a diaper bag that isn't fully stocked. They have treats and toys to entertain not only their own children but also someone else's (mine) unruly children that may influence their children.

They have dinner on the table every single night. And it isn't takeout on paper plates. Their children bathe on specific days and specific times, not just when their fingernails look a little grubby and their hair can no longer take a comb running through it. They have a calendar hanging somewhere in their home to coordinate all the events- Gymboree, birthday parties, doctors visits. Although I must say, they really are missing out on the excitement of remembering you have a birthday party to go to in the morning and you need to run out and get something. At midnight.

You know, I am just not that Mommy. My laundry gets done every week by the grace of a housekeeper that I adore. And she must just hate coming here because each week she sees the laundry from the week before still sitting in the basket where she folded it. She probably wonders why we can't just hang it or put it away but I say, hey we have to wear it anyway. I'd rather spend that time tickling Hayley or snuggling Sam.

My kids do shower or take baths. It's good that Hayley speaks so well because she does remind me. "Mommy? I take a bath tonight?" Oh, yes sweetheart, you do need to take a bath tonight. Remind Mommy again before we go to bed. With Sam, well, it was embarassing because she really did just take a shower yesterday but in the pediatricians office this morning I discovered dirt between her toes. And I have to say, she does shower, but it's like once a week. I was going to say twice but I have thought back as far as I can, and it's only once. Ick. But she's a baby. I mean, how dirty do you think a baby is? Ok. I will write it on the calendar to give her a bath or shower three times a week from now on.

I carry a forty pound backpack for a diaper bag and yet I never seem to have anything that will keep Hayley entertained or occupied. Instead yesterday at breakfast she entertained herself by guzzling maple syrup directly from the wee pitcher they brought for the pancakes. (Much to the horror of the perfect Mommy sitting in the booth across from us)

I dread the day that the children really have commitments to attend to- like soccer practice, ballet lessons, field trips at school. I am scared that I will buy the calendar but forget to consult it and instead I will become THAT Mom.

You know, the other kind. The not-so-perfect kind that forgets to pack her kids a lunch for the field trip and has to run to the school right before they leave with a random sack lunch of whatever they could buy at 7-11.

The kind that tells their kids they will pick them up from the movies if the other mom drops them off. And then forgets what time the movie is over. Ooops. Sure sweetie- stay inside though- I'm sorry the movie ended half an hour ago, I will be there in twenty minutes. In my jammies. Watch for me out the window ok?

You know, being a Mommy is hard enough. We don't need any more pressure. So I have just a few things to say. First of all, to those perfect Mommies out there- kudos. Bravo. Now knock it off. You don't have to be perfect. Nothing will happen if you child consumes a cup of maple syrup except you peeling them off the roof, and take it from me, you can do it.

And second, I don't really care to be in the race to be the perfect Mommy. I'm not THAT Mom, but I'm not THAT Mom either. I'm THIS Mom. And for now, that works great.

There's a sucker born every minute...

I have used this phrase before. Just never before in reference to myself.

Remember this? It wasn't all that long ago. Like six months. I thought I loved that car. Until we really did get to load up our second carseat and then I realized that while it did have a little more room in the back than the Audi it was still a tight squeeze. And I also realized it didn't have rear air vents and controls. And it also barely accommodated my monthly Costco run- something the Audi could handle as long as I used the backseat.

I didn't want to say anything to my husband because I told him I really wanted that car. Originally I wanted the CX-7 when I first drove it as a rental on a trip to Dallas. Then after thinking about it I thought maybe the CX-9 would be more practical. At the time though gas was like 4.50 a gallon so my husband nixed the 9. And I decided that I could still be happy with the 7 and so we proceeded. I drove it home and told him I loved it. Maybe at the beginning I did. But like a bad relationship things just went downhill from there.

I liked it but I didn't love it. Maybe we could just be friends?

And so in my heart I moved on even though we were still together. I got my payment statement last week and found that they were offering zero percent financing and the ball was set in motion. I schemed. I planned. I whipped out my fuzzy math calculator to show my husband how even though we were ridiculously negative in equity it would still make sense to trade in a brand new car whose first oil change was just this week.

He wasn't happy. Not with me, and not with my constant stream of justification. (It has third row seats...and even though we won't use them much we will definitely use the extra cargo space...it has an additional four inches between the middle seat and the front so Sam's carseat won't touch the driver seat...it's ZERO percent financing...it's all wheel drive...it has about 20 cubic feet more in the cargo area if the 3rd row seat is down...Am I wearing you down too?)

He couldn't stand me anymore. And although I know that buying a car is never a worthy investment I went ahead and bought it. I know, there's a sucker born every minute. Happy Birthday to Me.

But seriously, I love it. Love it, love it, love it. It is amazing how different the drive and the interior really are from the CX-7. I have no doubt in my mind if I had even test driven this car before buying the 7 I would have done all the begging and pleading back then but hindsight is 20/20.

Oh yeah, and this one is sassy red too. Zoom-Zoom.

I'm a nerd

Tell you something you don't know, right?

In case you are wondering, I have a new obsession. I just discovered Facebook. Yes, I knew it was out there, it isn't like I had never heard of it before, I just never had any desire to check it out.

My best friend sent me a request to join and I thought, heck, in the spirit of my New Year's Resolution I'll do it. I don't think I have logged off yet. I am fascinated with it. Every day I add another friend, or find someone I haven't spoken to in years and years. I love it. Like I said, I'm obsessed.

Don't worry bloggy fans, I will outgrow my new obsession one day. I won't forget about all of my blog friends. But if you are wondering why I am strangely wordless you will understand why.

It's always SOMETHING

You know, this was my first week back at work full time. I made arrangements that I would be able to back from 8:30-5 and for the life of me, I cannot get to work by 8:30 every day. Every single day it is something different.

One day it was because Sam slept straight to 6:30am and threw off my whole shower schedule. One day it was because she ate at 4am and then didn't want to wake and eat at 7am. One day we couldn't get Hayley to put her shoes on to save our lives. We both worked up a sweat every single morning just trying to get ourselves and our two kids out the door. And we are rethinking how we are going to make this happen every day because I can tell you- my husband isn't going to be able to get both girls out the door all by himself every single day.

Then just when it seemed by Friday we had it all under control we got a phone call from the babysitter. Hayley was throwing up. Fantastic. So she had a stomach bug for 24 hours and we worked through it. And then Saturday morning she woke up with Pink Eye. Awesome. The baby has been crying incessantly for the last 24 hours. We haven't slept in the last four nights as one or the other child is always up and crying. My entire ground floor level of our house is dotted with puke spots from the baby and leaky apple juice from a sippy cup.

A friend once told me when they had their second child that the work didn't double, it grew exponentially, and boy was he ever right. It isn't twice as much work with another kid, it's like ten times the work. And if it isn't one kid, it's the other. There is always SOMETHING..

Walk With the Heart of a Child

I can't recall if I told everyone this. I can't actually recall if I told anyone this. The very first day when I went to visit Sam in the NICU I got to see her around 5:30am briefly by myself. It was heaven. My husband came to the hospital first thing that morning and we went to the NICU together- I think that was around 8:30. As we approached Sam's isolette we noticed that there was someone else standing beside it and they had a portable cart with a big machine on it. I assumed that cart and person belonged to the baby next to Sam. After all, no one had told us there were any problems with our baby other than the fact that she was born early.

A smiling doctor turned around and said "Hi, I'm Dr. M. I'm the cardiologist and I'll be doing the echo on your baby's heart. We have detected a heart murmur."

My own heart dropped. A heart murmur. It could be minor. It could be major. The doctor was kind and gentle, explaining through every step what he was looking at. We watched the monitor as they gently pressed against her tiny chest to get photos of her heart. We watched, and listened as he explained that it is very common for a small section of the wall of the heart to not be fully closed at birth.

Sam had three sections that were not closed. The doctor was very optimistic that they would heal and he left me feeling fairly confident that they would heal and no surgery would be necessary.

We followed up with him at the end of November I think it was. She still has one section that has not healed, and may never close. He wasn't overly concerned about it and I suppose because of his demeanor I am also fairly calm about it. Heart murmurs are very common. She is healthy and doesn't seem to be struggling in any way and so most days I don't even think about it.

But we are the lucky ones. Others are not so lucky. Their tiny infants go through surgery. They require special care throughout their lives. Some don't make it.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. In February of 2006 a coworker asked me to do a fundraiser for the Children's Heart Foundation. I did it and I felt great about it. I didn't even have children yet but I just knew that it was a worthy cause. Funny thing, I was pregnant with Hayley when I did that walk, I just didn't know it yet.

At any rate, this fundraiser is now closer to my heart than ever before, no pun intended. I am walking this year with my girls, and for my own baby Sam. I am trying to raise just 150.00. Not much. I would love to raise more, but I know the economy is tough. I am asking you to go to this link and donate a buck. If you have more, great. If you can only spare a buck, do it. Skip your weekly specialty coffee and donate that amount to the Childrens's Heart Foundation. Chances are, if you are not directly related to someone that has been affected then you at least know someone that has. And you never know, someday it could hit even closer to home.

Please support me in my efforts to raise money for the Children's Heart Foundation. Every dollar counts.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Again,no pun intended.

New Years Resolutions? ha ha, yeah right

Ask me how this resolution worked out for me.

Not so well. Like every other resolution I have ever made. The closet cleaning ended the day of that post. The organizing never got started. The mad, frantic pace at which we live our lives didn't decrease, it increased as we had another baby. We didn't cook at home more often either. About the only thing we did do was entertain less- and that had more to do with my being pregnant than it had to do with my resolution. So in reality, we didn't simplify anything. Except the magazine box.

So what is my resolution this year? It is the same one I make every year. My resolution is to spend more time communicating with family and friends. It's easier said than done. I have family that live right here in town and yet we don't go to their house and they don't come to ours very often. I would really like to re-institute my Sunday breakfast ritual with the girls and my parents. My husband likes to go golfing and before I had Sam I would take Hayley to my parents house every few Sundays for breakfast.

I have a best friend that lives in California whom I haven't seen since Sam was a few weeks old. I barely get to talk with her on the phone like every other month. It feels like I haven't seen her in forever and I really miss her. My resolution is to plan more time to visit with her. To send more e-mails. To pick up the phone more often.

I have nieces and nephews that have grown up sometime when I wasn't looking. My resolution is to get their e-mail addresses and e-mail them more often. Even if they do think I'm a little wierd.

I think 2009 is going to be a great year. The economy aside, we are blessed with a fantastic family and loving friends. This year I want to make the most of that. How about you?