I don't really know what secret number this is but I like nine. It's my new number. Not so divine secret number nine is that motherhood is bliss.
NOT.
Don't get me wrong. Motherhood has blissful moments. But in and of itself motherhood is no easy task and you don't sit around staring at your baby or child with love and adoration 24 hours a day. (Contrary to what you are led to believe before you have children)
I was on the phone with my good friend Katie today. I can hear the edge in her voice- it's the same as the edge in mine. Katie has a five week old baby. Katie is sleep deprived. She can't put the baby down as her new baby is the same as my four month old baby- they love to be held. Put them down and they cry. They cry and your body reacts. Hence it is just easier to hold them. All.the.time.
Katie and I originally started talking about getting pregnant around the same time. I think we even went off birth control within a few months of each other. Then it took me two years to conceive Hayley and Katie was at a standstill in her life so she put off having a baby. I am on my second and Katie is on her first so we get to talk very often and I just love that there is someone out there that actually comes to me for motherly advice. I am the late bloomer amongst all of my other friends and most of them have children already starting school. Mine are still in diapers and not sleeping through the night.
I commiserated with Katie but then I got to thinking, it's true that before you have a baby you think it must be absolute heaven. Babies are cute and snuggly. You long for their tiny little bodies to be tucked into your arms. You dream about what it will be like when you finally become a mother. It will be like all those diaper and baby lotion commercials where the mommies and babies stare soulfully into each other's eyes and smile in unison.
And then you bring the baby home. It cries. All the time. Sometimes you can't figure out what the baby wants. She cries when you put her down. She cries when you hold her. She cries after she eats. She cries when she wakes up. Which then sometimes leads to you crying. I cannot tell you how many nights I have spent with Sam in the recliner in the middle of the night- she is crying and so am I because I just can't take anymore.
Everyone asks "How's the baby? How are you doing?" And you don't want to tell them the truth out of fear that they will think you are a terrible Mommy. Katie told me today that she had to let the baby cry for ten minutes because she absolutely had to put her down and she felt like a terrible mother. Yes, I can recall those days vividly. I don't think I ever let Hayley cry once. Of course, with Sam, sometimes she just has to cry because I can physically only deal with one crying child at a time, but I do remember exactly how Katie feels.
There was one day when I was still on maternity leave that I had both girls home. The previous night had been rough, rough, rough and when I kissed my husband goodbye that morning I begged him to please come home on time because I just didn't know if I was going to make it through the day. I think I was crying at the time.
But when people ask us how we are doing we smile through our clenched jaw and we say we are fine. Why? Because we are so afraid that somehow that Kodak moment has passed over us and we are the only ones that don't experience that motherly blind love?
Anyway, Katie dear, I know you don't have time to read this blog. If you have a spare hour you are likely trying to squeeze in a nap. But if you do have time to read just know that this secret is devoted to you. You are not alone in this crazy thing we call motherhood and no, it is not always bliss. It's just one of those hazing rituals that no one will tell you about before you have children because if they did then you likely wouldn't have children. It does get easier (or so I am told, I have not yet discovered that) and although every moment of motherhood may not be perfect and rosy when you do finally get to experience those perfect moments it blurs the pain of the not-so-perfect moments.
One day your two year old will stand up to you and say out of the blue "Mommy, I love you soooo much." Your eyes will tear up and that moment will crowd out the first four months of their life where you had a grand total of sixty hours of sleep.
Or one day when driving home from daycare your two year old will say "Mommy, I have a booger in my nose." And you will say, "Hold on punkin, Mommy will get you a kleenex when we get home." And then she will say "I'll just put it on my door."
Fabulous. Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love motherhood. And all that goes with it.
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