I had been thinking lately that now that I am four months removed from our NICU experience that I can look back on it and realize it wasn't all that bad. I wanted to post about how I was just hormonal and everything really was fine for that ten days that Sam spent in the NICU.
But when I went back and read this I started crying as the memories came back all over again. You know what? Four months have dulled the pain but I just don't know that it will ever truly be forgotten.
I guess I could say there are some things that I have come to terms with in that four months. I can say now that looking back I realize the nurses weren't really as harsh as I felt they were when I was living it in real life. I guess there were one or two that I didn't care for but considering Sam worked with at least ten different nurses while she was there I can also say that the majority of them really were nice. I called them NICU Nazi's but I think I was just really hurting and that wasn't really fair to them.
I will say one thing for sure though- my NICU experience was definitely different from every other person I have spoken to. Most other NICU's don't have a two hour time limit on how long you can visit in one sitting. Many other NICU's do allow you to bring in personal items for your baby - things like clothes, blankets, photos, anything to make it a more homely experience. I was really disappointed that I didn't get to bring in any of Sam's blankets or clothing. She did have a beautiful handmade quilt draped over her isolette while she was there and I learned that the NICU takes donations so I am learning to crochet right now and when I get good enough I am going to crochet a few blankets for donations. I have already donated all of Sam's preemie clothes and many of her newborn size clothes to the NICU where she was born.
I am emotional as I write about this all over again. I hope that no one ever has to go through this experience, but I know that in reality there are sometimes things outside of your control. You can do everything right, you can do everything your doctor tells you to do and yet your body or your baby can still decide otherwise. I guess I am finally letting go of the guilt that I felt when she came early. I kept thinking, if only I hadn't been out doing yardwork in July. If only I hadn't taken a ten day vacation in August when I was having frequent harsh contractions. If only I hadn't gone shopping at the Outlet Mall over Labor Day weekend. You know, maybe some of those things did contribute to the pre-term labor, and maybe they didn't. I can't play the "what if" game. Instead I can say that once we did realize we were in trouble I followed the rules. I took the terb every four hours. I stayed on house arrest bed rest. I drank gallons of water.
Yes, my dear baby Sam came early. She is healthy. She is beautiful. The NICU experience was one that I will never EVER forget. But I also have my little girl home with me and that is really all that matters anymore.
Comments