The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

Sam's First Annual Walk With the Heart of a Child

To everyone that donated to this worthy cause, I thank you. I was so emotional this morning as we kicked off the Walk With the Heart of a Child. Sam is a heart patient. True, she is lucky, her heart is healthy. But she lives with a heart condition nonetheless, and that scares me to death.

The red t-shirts signified heart patients and as I looked around us into the faces of other parents of heart patients and into the faces of the children themselves I was moved to tears. I love this cause. I will support this cause forever. These children deserve the opportunity to be normal. Their parents deserve the opportunity to hold their children forever. For some the endings won't be as happy, and it is for that reason I will continue to support this cause.

Mommy, Hayley, and Samantha at the finish line.

 

Baby Sam with her Nana. Unfortunately the only red t-shirts they had were in childrens sizes. Maybe Sam can fit into this one in about five more years.

 

Baby girl, all tired out after the excitement. Can you believe the blonde hair on this child? I am still amazed at how very different my girls features are. Both beautiful, but very different. Oh yeah- and check out the cheeks on this kid! I just kiss and kiss them...

This Morning

Sam was up for her early am feeding this morning at 4:45. By the time I got her back to bed it was 5:20 so I decided to stay up. I actually felt alert and wide awake- last night we put her to bed in her crib and she slept there until 3am so I felt like a million dollars.

Where, oh where do I start?

Let me start with Sam sleeping in her crib. It wasn't so simple. We put her in her crib to go to sleep and she cried hard for just about twenty five minutes. Hard. Like I thought she-was-choking hard. But I didn't give in. I went in and rubbed her back once but that just made her cry harder so I gave up. She finally fell asleep and I was elated. Until she woke back up and started crying again fifteen minutes later. And again I let her cry. She cried for about another fifteen minutes and I could take no more- I went in and picked her up. She did the fake cry in my arms for two minutes so I knew she was nearing the end. I laid her back down and she cried hard again for about ten minutes but then there was silence.

When you hear silence like that you worry that something went wrong. I went in to check on her and she really had fallen asleep- on her tummy. By the way, she started rolling over two days ago. You can't leave her on her back for more than ten seconds and she has already rolled over. Which is good- because the pediatrician said she could sleep on her tummy when she could roll herself there, and I happen to think Sam is a tummy sleeper.

At any rate, she did sleep in her crib until 3am and when she woke I just didn't have the energy to fight with her to go back to sleep in her own bed so I brought her into mine. I figure one battle at a time- the first battle was getting her to give up the 1am feed. Check. The second battle is getting her to go to bed in her own crib. Getting there. The last battle will be getting her to sleep there all night. Not even focusing on that yet.

So I decided this morning that I felt great and if I did go back to sleep I would probably feel like a truck hit me when I had to get up an hour later. I decided I was going to sit in the peace and quiet downstairs with a cup of coffee and catch up on blogs. I haven't been the best lately.

I headed to the coffee pot to brew up some Dunkin' Donuts coffee. (free plug. I love this coffee, I'm the chick on the roof yelling that I'm on my third pot for the day) Then my sock stuck to the floor. What the?

I turned on the lights and found that there was a liquid substance filling all of the grout lines in our tile. Odd. It wasn't covering the tiles too so I was perplexed. I peered up at the ceiling expecting to see a massive drip but found none. This particular location in my kitchen is nowhere near a water supply so I was really puzzled. It also smelled kind of funny, like rotten something unidentifiable. Until I opened the pantry.

Apparently the gallon of orange juice that I bought from Costco went bad and I don't know, ate through the plastic. There was a hole right in the unopened gallon. First I must say, I don't normally buy the OJ made from concentrate- I normally buy the kind from the refrigerated section. I bought this kind because we had a house full of people after Christmas and refrigerator space was at a premium. I figured we would go through the gallon with one breakfast. It turns out I underestimated the flavor of OJ made from concentrate. I don't like it. No one else does either.

I should have just thrown it out right then but I didn't. And boy am I ever sorry.

The Great OJ Leak of 2009 covered over thirty square feet of grout. It had congealed and was thick and sticky. I had no idea how many passes the mop was going to have to make in order to even make the floor like a kitchen floor again and not like the floor of the movie theater. It was a mess. A disaster. I was irritated. Bummed because my "me time" evaporated. And ticked off at myself for even buying that stupid juice.

I managed to get it all cleaned up before I had to jump in the shower and leave for work, with the exception of one last pass to make sure we didn't stick to the floor here or there. Argh. So that was my morning.

I wish I had taken a picture but I just don't think it would even have really shown you the extent. But I do have to share with you a photo of one other mop job I am going to have to be doing very soon.

 

Last night I heard "Mommy, I color you a picture."

And I'm thinking, aww, how sweet? I'm going to start getting art for my fridge! Umm. I think Hayley had something a little more permanent in mind. In case you can't exactly tell, this is blue crayon. On our tile floor. She even colored in the lines. The grout lines that is. Fabulous.

Really the only redeeming thing to my day was that we got our taxes done today. And we don't owe. Amen.

Updated Pictures

I always forget to update these- but here are some recent photos:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Randomness

Some days I have so many blog ideas in my head I forget all of them before I get to blog. I guess today is one of those days. I feel like blogging. I really want to blog. But I can't really think of any one topic that is worthy of a blog post all by itself.

Instead I will post about some random things.

We finally saw an attorney yesterday and created a will and trust. I cannot tell you how very responsible I feel for doing that. We knew when we started having children that it would be important for us to get our affairs in order but it still took us two and a half years to do it. So in case you are wondering- it was probably the easiest thing ever. The hardest part about it was making the time to call the attorney to set up the appointment.

I am getting really excited about going on my husband's sales trip. Like counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds excited. I discovered they have an outlet mall where we are going and I cannot tell you how excited I am about the thought of being able to prowl the outlet mall without the guilt of leaving my husband home with the girls too long or without having to take one of the girls with me.

Sam is getting more and more fun every single day. The last two nights have been absolute heaven for me- she has eaten at 7pm or so and then hasn't needed to eat again until 3 or 4am. It could be a fluke, after all, she did that for about a week in December too but I am really hoping this could be the light at the end of the midnight feedings. It really is amazing how awesome I feel after only two nights of having at least five hours to sleep. In a row.

Sam is terrible about sucking on a pacifier. Terrible. She will do it as long as you hold it in her mouth but she just doesn't have the suction to keep it in there. We hate that! But over the last two days she has also started sucking her thumb. You wouldn't think that anyone would be happy to hear that their baby sucks their thumb but at least this way she can self soothe and we don't have to hold that pacifier in. Last night she fell asleep with her thumb in her mouth and I was so relieved.

Today the weather is supposed to be beautiful here so hopefully we will get outside and get the stink blown off.

I am hoping to find some time this weekend to go look for another formal dress.

The coffee I made this morning is particularly tasty and I'm in a pretty good mood. Maybe because I had some sleep last night?

My kids are in a good mood today. Maybe because they had some sleep last night too?

My husband is in a good mood today too. I don't think he had much sleep last night but he got a new golf club. He's like a kid on Christmas.

I suppose that is enough randomness for now. Hopefully next time I log on I will be able to organize my thoughts. Hope your day is as awesome as mine has started out!

Shopping with a Toddler

Shopping just isn't the same. In college my best friend and I would get up every single Saturday and head to the mall. We would usually spend a few hours walking the stores, find something to wear that night, and then head home to get ready. Sometimes we would get up on Sunday and return what we purchased the day before if we decided not to wear it. My best friend had a better budget than I did and generally speaking she had half a closet full of clothes with tags still on them to choose from. It wasn't as critical for her to wear that one outfit she just purchased. Me? Not so much.

At any rate, shopping used to be "our thing". We also had two other roommates, my best friends twin sister and her best friend. Confused? I can draw you a flow chart if you need me to. Basically it was twins and their best friends, which equals four. So anyway, our roommates were completely opposite us. They hated shopping with a passion. Shopping was just a necessary evil to avoid going naked. While we were out shopping every Saturday they were home watching football.

I miss those days.

Before I had children I still continued the Saturday shopping ritual even though my best friend moved away twelve years ago. I would get up every single Saturday and go run around town. Sometimes I would buy things and sometimes I wouldn't, but I just enjoy shopping. Don't get me wrong- I shop, alot, but I don't spend alot. I'm a clearance rack kind of gal, even when I have the money to pay full price. Something about finding perfectly good items at a deep discount really thrills me. Consequently then because I get such great deals I also tend to buy things I might not otherwise buy, but that's a different story.

At any rate, I need a formal gown for my husband's sales trip in two weeks so I decided I better get looking. Now. I figured I would take Hayley with me leaving Sam home with Dada. What, oh WHAT was I thinking?

How on earth do you take a two year old to the mall and expect her to cooperate while you are looking for a needle in a haystack? I have a vision of what I would like the dress to look like. Something black or red. Floor length. Spaghetti strap or backless. Something classy. Something sexy. Something that doesn't scream "new mommy" all over it. Something not frumpy. Something out of my usual jeans and tennis shoes style. Something that will drive my husband crazy. Get it?

Hayley did pretty well, to start with. What I want to know is, where is the thirty-something section in the department stores? I could only find womens (too old and not the right sizes) or juniors (too prom-like). I couldn't find anything in the middle. I decided the juniors section would be more what I was looking for so I grabbed six dresses and headed into the dressing room with Hayley.

It was cute for sure. Her eyes lit up with the first gown I put on, "Mommy, you look like a pretty dancer!". (Everyone wearing a dress or tights is a pretty dancer). The fun soon wore off for her and it became near impossible. How do you try on dresses when your two year old is wiping up the floor of the dressing room with her bottom and opening the door to the dressing room when you are standing there in nothing but undies?

I settled for a long black dress, very simple. Spaghetti straps. No embellishment. Basic. Regular price $120.00, clearance price $30.75. It wasn't what I was looking for so I will keep looking, but I also didn't want to set it aside thinking I could find something else and then be stuck without. I do think next time I am going to have to hire a sitter so I can go in solitary peace and look for that beautiful dress.

One thing is for sure, I miss my best friend. And I miss those Saturdays.

Never Judge Your Massage Therapist by His Handshake

I scheduled a massage for today with my local massage therapy facility. (No free plugs coming from me!) I have only been there once before and since I'm kind of a creature of habit I just went ahead and scheduled it with the same therapist I had seen last time.

There was some snafu when I checked in and and the other Jennifer got my massage therapist. That left me with a different male therapist. Let me start off by saying I do judge based on appearances. I wasn't impressed with his.

I will also say, I do judge by handshakes. I like to think that a person's handshake says much about their character. His was limp and weak. Strike two. I immediately decided that I didn't know how he managed to stay in business because a massage therapist is only as good as their hands.

Boy was I ever wrong. In the first sixty seconds I knew that his handshake had nothing to do with his ability as a massage therapist. See, I go for massages not so much to relax, but to have them work the heck out of me. I have knots upon knots. Once I went for an hour massage only to have them spend the entire hour working out the knots underneath my shoulder blades.

Anyway, he did something called Trigger Point (?). It hurt me so good. I went ahead and scheduled another appointment with him in two weeks. For an hour and a half. I'm just saying, if I were you, I wouldn't necessarily judge a massage therapist by their handshake.

Creating a Nightmare?

I remember when Hayley was around 13 weeks old. I had just gone back to work and the full force of working 40 plus hours a week and dealing with an infant was taking it's toll. When I was home on maternity leave I rocked Hayley to sleep every single night. Sometimes she would fall asleep quickly and other times I would rock her for an hour, but I did it.

When I got back to work I realized how very tired I was. I also realized that if I had to rock her to sleep every single night that I would never just be able to lay her down and have her fall asleep. I had read all the advice from experts- lay your baby down and let them learn to self soothe. I remarked one night that I was creating my own nightmare and my husband's response was "Why? Because you are treating her like a baby?". And I guess that really hit home with me.

Yes, she was a baby. What did it really hurt to rock her to sleep and treat her like a baby? So I kept on. Sometimes it was really tough. Sometimes I would rock her for an hour, she would still be awake and I would lay her down. She would cry for fifteen minutes and I would go back in. By then she was so tired that when I would rock her she would fall asleep and I could put her down.

And when Sam came, well, she was a preemie. I hated leaving her in the hospital so it was like I was making it up to her by holding her all the time. And now she doesn't like to be set down at all. She sleeps in our bed. I can't lay her in her own bed because she is such a light sleeper and is so restless. She also doesn't suck on the pacifier very well. Actually, she sucks on it just fine but you have to hold it in her mouth. It is ridiculous.

I feel bad, but I keep debating, do I put her in her bed and let her cry? Or do I rock her? So right this minute she is so exhausted she fell asleep in my arms. I laid her in her crib and she woke. Screaming. I waffle. I go through moments where I can't stand the though of leaving her to cry so I go pick her up and rock her. And the next day I start over with iron resolve that I am going to teach her to self soothe and teach her to sleep in her own bed. And really, really this time I AM creating my own nightmare.

I think my indecisiveness is enabling her. Because I am not consistent I think she doesn't know what to expect. I am not worried about creating a spoiled child. Hayley eventually learned to go to sleep all by herself- somewhere around the ten month mark. More I am worried about having a child that can never sleep anywhere but next to Mom.

What do you think?

Happy Valentines Day!

My husband is just happy he didn't get two pink lines this year. For those that don't know, we found out both times we were pregnant on Valentines Day, which I happen to find endearing. A few weeks ago my husband said out of the blue "This year for Valentines Day I would like a store bought gift."

And, well, I am happy to comply. Don't get me wrong, even as hard as it is having a fussy baby and a toddler I still wonder what it would be like to try for a boy. Knowing our luck it would still be another girl and then my husband would be really ripped off at me. Assuming of course that I could trick talk him into trying for another one. No, I guess we are done.

So this year for Valentines Day I just could not think of anything remarkable to buy him. He has everything. And anything he doesn't have are things he doesn't really want anyway. I really wracked my brain to come up with something meaningful and it hit me on my way to work a few days ago. It was such a heartfelt idea I wished I had come up with it about a month ago so I would have had time to pull it off.

I decided I would write him a journal. Similar to the letters I write to my beautiful children, but in this case I am starting ten years too late, so I decided I would try and write out some of my most beloved memories to start with and then I could journal current memories as they happen. And then it kind of morphed into the thought that it would be better if I could do it scrapbook style, not so that I could spend a ton of time adding photos and embellishments but more so that I could add pages in any order. That way I don't have to remember all my favorite events chronologically but I can add them to the book once I do remember them.

I found a beautiful 8x8 scrapbook that was perfect- it has a clasp that holds it shut and the word "memories" is emroidered on the front. It is a milk chocolate color- so it is definitely masculine enough. I wrote him the first entry and scrapbooked a picture of our very first weekend trip together. Which, coincidentally, was the first weekend in February, 1999. Here is what I wrote:

Sweetie,

Can you believe it has been ten years? TEN YEARS. Did you ever imagine 10 years ago that we would be where we are today? Did you know ten years ago that the next ten years were going to go by in the blink of an eye?

You have made me so happy. You have made me the person I am today, a better person, and I am just thankful every single day.

I started thinking back over the last ten years- the laughter, the tears, the joy, and the heartache. I realized we have had many memories. Things I never want to forget- and so I decided to write you a journal of our memories- at least as I remember them. Maybe they won't be the same as you remember- for example I (for the record) never licked the bottom of the popcorn bucket on our first date. But the point is that without a doubt I remember how much fun we have had together.

I remember how you can always make me laugh. You never let me get too far ahead of myself, and you have always taken care of me even when I don't think I need to be taken care of. I love you for all of these things.

Did you ever think ten years ago that this is where you'd be ten years later? I know it's better than I ever imagined. Thank you. I love you with all my heart.

 

 

May you all have a blessed Valentines Day.

Looking Forward

In 2007 we had the opportunity to go to Hawaii as my husband was honored by our company as a top sales performer. At the time Hayley was a mere four months old and of course I just couldn't imagine leaving her for a week so we took her with us. It was a fantastic trip, she travelled like a champ and we had a great time.

In 2008 my husband was again honored as a top sales performer and this time the trip was to Puerto Rico. I still couldn't fathom leaving Hayley for a week although she was sixteen months old at the time so we took her.

It's 2009. My husband is again being honored as a top sales performer and this year the trip is a little closer to home- Palm Desert. We are pretty excited about going- and we had everything all lined up to take the girls. Two years ago when we debated not taking Hayley to Hawaii we talked with my husband's sister about possibly coming and staying with Hayley. The timing didn't work out but honestly the only way I would ever consider leaving any of my children overnight right now would be with a family member and in our own home.

So anyway, my husbands sister offered to come and stay with the girls. Two years ago I just don't think I could have gone through with it. This year I went online right then and there and booked the plane ticket for her.

I am ecstatic. Not because I feel the need to ditch my kids, but because honestly over the last two years my husband and I have had zero alone time. Zero. We don't even do date night- not for lack of having a babysitter but more because even when we were dating we didn't really do date night. We're kind of homely like that.

I have been floating all day just thinking about having four marvelous days to be an adult. No poopy diapers. No boogers. No bottles. Or sippy cups. No whining. Or crying. No puke. And I guess even more selfish of all, four whole days to just hang out with my husband. Sit by the pool. Snuggle in bed. Eat dinner- together. And although I am 100% certain I will miss my kids from the moment I leave until the moment I return I also know that my husband and I really need this time to reconnect.

I am really, really looking forward to this.

 

Milestone!!

You know the other day when I was wondering if Sam had a milestone coming? And I thought she was going to roll over any day? Well she hasn't yet.

Instead she is now talking up a storm. Literally. As in, the last two days she has barely slept at all because she is talking and talking and talking. She is practicing the inflection in her voice going from high to low back to high. She is focusing on objects like the rattle attached to her Jumperoo and she is telling it a story.

This morning she hung out in the Jumperoo (aka Boing-a-Boing) for over an hour. An hour! Just talking and talking. I can't believe it. It's like sometime between Friday and today she just flipped the switch and turned on her vocal cords. I am so amazed to see and hear it that I have taken video of her about sixteen times.

Oh and the second part of the Jumperoo story is that she has now realized her feet are actually moving her. She is jumping like crazee. She had that thing going so hard earlier I was worried she would detach and spring into the air.

She is reaching out and grabbing rattles, pulling them close and inspecting them, and then shaking them all around. If I sound amazed at the simple things it is because I am. I hate to keep going back to it but when you see your baby in the NICU attached to monitors and tubes it seems a long time off that you will see them doing normal things.

Although Sam's developmental age is only three months right now and she is right on track for all the things a three month old should be doing I am just so happy. She isn't like Hayley- who has always been so far ahead of the curve we can't believe it. But she is perfect, amazing, beautiful, and someday I have no doubt she will also be as smart as Hayley and will be schooling us before we know it.

So yes, there was a milestone. And we still aren't getting any sleep because her little brain is so excited with all the new things she has learned that she doesn't want to go to sleep for even a minute. But that's ok, because before we know it she will be crawling, then walking, and then talking.

Watch What You Say- Part Deux

Remember this?

You would think I would. Apparently not. Yesterday I had the privilege of going to the DMV to register the new car so I decided to take Hayley with me. I guess I needed double the punishment or something. Anyway, it was raining and the road that I usually drive on had become quite the goat path. They were doing construction on it and I hit a giant pothole. I muttered "This road is a joke."

My little parrot in the backseat repeated me. "This road is a joke." No biggie.

We got into the DMV, which I expected to be fairly empty with all the rain and it was packed. Apparently I wasn't the only one that noticed. Hayley said "This place is a joke."

Yes sweetie, you are right. Amazingly so. And you sure make me laugh, but the DMV really is a joke. Good thing I didn't say anything else that could have been more incriminating!

An update to formula feeding

I haven't even been online in like four days so I forgot that I haven't posted about our follow up doctor appointment. I took Sam back to the pediatrician on Monday to discuss what I found to be her intolerance to lactose.

He doesn't really believe that she is lactose intolerant, despite the fact that she went from puking up everything to puking nothing but he said all things considered if the Similac Sensitive is working then we should just stick with it.

We tried cutting out the antacid medication that he prescribed but we found out rather quickly that she really does have reflux and she was a real bear to deal with so we rapidly introduced it back into our routine.

Oh yeah- and she gained a pound and a half in the eight days that she was on formula. Can you believe it? A pound and a half. She now weighs twelve pounds four ounces. It was like in the first two or three days we could see her cheeks and chubs filling in but I still can't believe exactly how much weight she gained.

He said with regards to the extra feeding she has added that just to go with it. He doesn't think it is a big deal that she doesn't sleep through the night- he said most babies don't until 4-6 months (of course- because HE isn't the one getting up in the middle of the night and then working all day) but at least I did feel a little better that it is pretty normal for her to still be waking to eat.

If we were smart we really would put ourselves through the torture now and go through the week of crying to get her to learn to sleep in her own bed by herself but I just can't do it. I know, I'll pay later, but that's a choice I am making. Actually, I did lay her down in her crib for a nap this morning and she did fall asleep. She slept for about half an hour- which is about how much she normally naps at this time of day and I can hear her entertaining herself through the monitor so I am not going to get her out of bed until she is crying. I want her to learn that it is ok to wake up in your bed and hang out for a few.

So with regards to formula feeding, well, it is going pretty good. I hate washing bottles of course but I guess it's a trade off. A happier kid vs a few extra dishes? I'll do the dishes.

Sam's Heart

Our follow up appointment with the cardiologist was today. I thought she had only one section of her heart that hadn't healed but it turns out there were two. And they still haven't healed.

I have mixed emotions. I know that there are people that live with heart murmurs their whole lives. Apparently even my baby sister had one at one time (which I never knew!). But I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me.

We are so very, VERY blessed. Sam's heart is healthy. We are among the lucky ones and I am not about to take it for granted. Join me in supporting The Childrens Heart Foundation. I am going to walk with Sam, for Sam, and for all the other children affected. I walked in this fundraiser in February of 2006 before I found out I was pregnant (the weekend before finding out to be exact). I believe in destiny and I believe in karma. I think I was led to this cause for a reason.

I will be walking soon so please, if you can give up one day of fast food,or one day of goumet coffee go here and donate the proceeds. A little will add up and go a long way!!

By the way Mrs.M, you are excused! Thank you for your kind thoughts and your valiant effort but apparently the don't expect donors from the UK and aren't set up appropriately.