Am I done?

There was a time in my life where I thought I wanted to have like eight kids. Then I hit the point where I didn't want to have any kids. Finally, I found the point where I wanted to have kids, and now I have two of them.

But I guess the question is, am I done? I mean, my husband says we are done. And seriously, Sam has been a really tough baby, so there are days that I say I am done too. Yet if I am done, why can't I bring myself to give everything away and really close the door on this?

I did give away my bassinette. But I am still hoarding all of the girls baby clothes, and their bottles and pacifiers (well, to be fair Sam is still using the bottles- but not the pacifiers, of which we have about a hundred dollars worth). I can't really bear to part with any of it.

I read an article in one of the magazines the other day about a woman in the same situation and it was uncanny how she really put to words how I also feel about being "done". In the grand scheme of things, we don't have any more available bedrooms without converting our home office back to a bedroom. Childcare is super expensive so adding another child to our mix might mean that I will have to sacrifice the private preschool I am enrolling Hayley in. We might have to forfeit some of our little luxuries- like my monthly massage.

So why am I still so torn? Is it because my husband has already made the decision and it wasn't my idea? If I had said it first would I be more inclined to accept it? What about this whole thing just leaves me without closure?

Is it just that I feel I have more room in my heart for another one? Is it because I grew up with three sisters, and I feel bad that my girls will only have each other? Is it because (as much as I sometimes complain) I just love the action and chaos that come from large families? Is it because I am afraid to leave a shrinking legacy? What if only one of my girls decides to have a family and she decides she only wants one? How will I snuggle and get my fill of grandbabies? I mean, should I really be worried about grandbabies when I have a two and a half year old and a seven month old? I can't even make it through my own days sometimes- why would I be worried about twenty years in the future? Is it because I feel guilty that I haven't given my husband a son?

Last night at 2:30 am I realized that I must have subconsciously realized that I don't want to be done. I apparently forgot to refill my birth control. It was because I went to see my doctor and he was going to get an IUD pre-authorized for me. I was waiting to hear from him and I guess I thought it was going to happen faster. So last night I realized, UH-OH. It has been eleven days. I haven't heard from him. I wasn't paying attention. It seemed like I just saw him this week. And I started freaking out. What if? ? ? ? And then I started thinking, would that be such a bad thing? But could it also destroy my marriage? If my husband is adamant that we are done, and I just totally (and accidentally) disregarded his wishes what would that do to US? So I guess I really need to tell him (sooner rather than later) what has happened. Because as much as I feel like he made the decision to be done and I wasn't a part of it I also don't want to have another one without him even knowing the potential that it could be coming. Not that I think it is.

Is this just a standard thing? Do you think most people feel this way when they are contemplating the end? Wondering if they are really done? Or is it just that I don't really feel like I am done and the door is still open for me? Because if I was going to have another then I absolutely would have to do it within the next year. I always said I would not want to have children after I turn 35 and the clock is ticking. One year left...

 

Comments

[Mrs M]

Jenn - I'm done too, but often pine for another. I think that's just the mummy in me. Maybe the fact that we tried so long makes us not want to quit?

[Sue Anderson]

I never really felt done. So I ended up having four and then became infertile.

Now THAT'S closure.

=)