The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

For the Record

I just want to be sure I set this straight. For the record, I did tell my husband what happened.

I would never, ever want to intentionally disrespect my husband. If he feels like we are done having children and I feel we have room for one more then it means we have some talking to do. If we can't come to some sort of compromise then it means we would have to agree to disagree and let it be. But I would never, EVER not use birth control on purpose to trick him into having another one.

It's just that it has really been weighing on my mind. How could I possibly have forgotten that I was not on birth control. No, really. REALLY. How could I have forgotten that it had been eleven days?

I write this with mixed emotions. There are so many people out there- friends of mine even- that want desperately to have children. And I have two. I am thankful every single day and based upon the almost two years that it took us to get pregnant with Hayley I do realize that I am blessed to even have two. I just think I want one more. And not to be greedy by wanting one more- but feeling a little protective of the two that I have- wanting them to have more. This isn't all about me- this is all about my children and the lives they will lead.

So the last three days I have spent really reflecting. Having another baby would mean alot of things. It would mean giving up coffee, which some days is the only thing that gets me moving. It would mean not lounging by the pool with any adult beverages. It would mean more sleepless nights. More diapers. Possibly renovating my home to accommodate another bedroom. Giving things up- like trips to the Coach store. A few more wrinkles. Some more gray hair to cover up. It would mean there would be no man on man defense. It might mean there is always one odd man out.

It would also mean more snuggles. Kisses. Little voices saying "Mommy, I am so glad you are here!". And "Mommy, I love you soooo much!". It would mean that if one child gets in trouble and the other is not permitted to hug them that the two siblings of the one in trouble could get on either side of the trouble maker and squish them in between so they would get a hug without anyone knowing they are hugging the offending party. (Incidentally- that is something my mom said we used to do when my baby sister was in trouble).

So, is the book closed on this? Maybe. Maybe not. I did convince my husband to go for number two- and in just the nick of time I guess because I convinced him to try at the end of the summer and we found out two weeks later that apparently there were other plans for us. We'll see. I don't believe there is any likelihood that I would be pregnant so please don't think that I will be making any grand announcements in two weeks. But I will say that the fear of what could have happened does ring loud in my ears and it has gotten me thinking.

And for my parents that read my blog religiously but asked so innocently the other day if we are done- the answer is, "We'll just have to see."

 

Hey, that bee swiped my grape!!

There are so many things about having children that just make life worth while. Little moments- like when they first smile at you. Big moments- like their first steps.

Funny-but-not-so-funny moments- like when they tell you they are going to wipe a booger on the door of your new car.

Funny moments like when a bee lands on their snack and they yell "Hey, that bee just swiped my grape!". And if you have watched enough episodes of Dora you will know that Swiper is always swiping something. Your two year old just "got" it.

My children make me smile every single day. Some days it is through gritted teeth, but still I am smiling. Not a day goes by that I don't tell a story in the lunch room about my children, and I am so happy to be able to do so. But still I am left chuckling at the bee swiping the grape. Classic.

 

Am I done?

There was a time in my life where I thought I wanted to have like eight kids. Then I hit the point where I didn't want to have any kids. Finally, I found the point where I wanted to have kids, and now I have two of them.

But I guess the question is, am I done? I mean, my husband says we are done. And seriously, Sam has been a really tough baby, so there are days that I say I am done too. Yet if I am done, why can't I bring myself to give everything away and really close the door on this?

I did give away my bassinette. But I am still hoarding all of the girls baby clothes, and their bottles and pacifiers (well, to be fair Sam is still using the bottles- but not the pacifiers, of which we have about a hundred dollars worth). I can't really bear to part with any of it.

I read an article in one of the magazines the other day about a woman in the same situation and it was uncanny how she really put to words how I also feel about being "done". In the grand scheme of things, we don't have any more available bedrooms without converting our home office back to a bedroom. Childcare is super expensive so adding another child to our mix might mean that I will have to sacrifice the private preschool I am enrolling Hayley in. We might have to forfeit some of our little luxuries- like my monthly massage.

So why am I still so torn? Is it because my husband has already made the decision and it wasn't my idea? If I had said it first would I be more inclined to accept it? What about this whole thing just leaves me without closure?

Is it just that I feel I have more room in my heart for another one? Is it because I grew up with three sisters, and I feel bad that my girls will only have each other? Is it because (as much as I sometimes complain) I just love the action and chaos that come from large families? Is it because I am afraid to leave a shrinking legacy? What if only one of my girls decides to have a family and she decides she only wants one? How will I snuggle and get my fill of grandbabies? I mean, should I really be worried about grandbabies when I have a two and a half year old and a seven month old? I can't even make it through my own days sometimes- why would I be worried about twenty years in the future? Is it because I feel guilty that I haven't given my husband a son?

Last night at 2:30 am I realized that I must have subconsciously realized that I don't want to be done. I apparently forgot to refill my birth control. It was because I went to see my doctor and he was going to get an IUD pre-authorized for me. I was waiting to hear from him and I guess I thought it was going to happen faster. So last night I realized, UH-OH. It has been eleven days. I haven't heard from him. I wasn't paying attention. It seemed like I just saw him this week. And I started freaking out. What if? ? ? ? And then I started thinking, would that be such a bad thing? But could it also destroy my marriage? If my husband is adamant that we are done, and I just totally (and accidentally) disregarded his wishes what would that do to US? So I guess I really need to tell him (sooner rather than later) what has happened. Because as much as I feel like he made the decision to be done and I wasn't a part of it I also don't want to have another one without him even knowing the potential that it could be coming. Not that I think it is.

Is this just a standard thing? Do you think most people feel this way when they are contemplating the end? Wondering if they are really done? Or is it just that I don't really feel like I am done and the door is still open for me? Because if I was going to have another then I absolutely would have to do it within the next year. I always said I would not want to have children after I turn 35 and the clock is ticking. One year left...

 

Dear Hayley and Samantha,

April 11th, 2009

Dear Girls,

The thought occurred to me the other day that not all women are raised the way I was, and the way I intend for you to be raised. You see, even in this day and age there are still women who are raised as if their opinion has no value and they provide nothing of worth to this world. But you see, that is where even Mommy did not realize how blessed she was.

Maybe you will still get to spend many more years with Nana, but you might not get to spend many more years with Mommy's Grandma and it is to her that we owe much of our strength and independence.

We were lucky enought to spend time with Grandma last weekend. She turned seventy nine years old. These days seventy nine years old is fairly common. What isn't fairly common is that Grandma is blind and has been since she was in the ninth grade. Grandma didn't let that stop her- no, she finished high school even after having to take a year off. She even went on to college and not only got her degree but also got a masters degree. She didn't stop there though, she taught college classes. She raised three children. She provided a good home for her family but not at the expense of being her own individual.

You can never tell Grandma she can't do something. She will set out to prove you wrong and she will amaze you. She can do anything that someone with eyesight can do, and more. She is intelligent. She is kind. She is strong. She lives with passion. And she passed all of those things on to Nana.

Guess what? Nana has done some pretty amazing things in her life too. She raised four children when there are days that Mommy can barely hang on with two. She worked full time, even worked over time and still made sure we had cupcakes for class parties. Homemade nonetheless. Many people know Nana and she is so very loved. She is a strong person, stronger than Mommy could ever imagine being. She has been through many ups and many downs and even when she has been down she still has managed to find a way to get through it. Nana is such a special person to Mommy, and I know that she will be just as special to each of you that you will remember her in many other ways that Mommy can't even tell you about.

I just realized last weeked as there were four generations of women in one place that we are so very lucky. All of us. Grandma could have made different choices given her circumstances but she didn't. She chose not to be a victim. She chose to make her own path in life, and she has done well on that path. Nana has been just as strong. She taught Mommy so many things, most of all how to be a strong independent woman. How not to sit back and let life pass me by. How to fight for what I believe in, to pursue what I feel strongly about, and how to be my own person regardless of what everyone else thinks.

I hope that I can raise you both with the same strength and values. I hope that you learn that you can make any choices you want. I hope that you learn to live with passion, compassion, humility, grace, and love. Yes, there was and still is a time and place where women are not treated as well as they should be. But in this house, our house, you are as equal as any other person out there. You can do anything you set your minds to, and just know that Mommy will always support you.

I love you both so very much and although I am not in a hurry to see you grow up and away from me I also know that you will both make me very proud one day.

Love, Mommy

I made it!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I made it five whole days as a single parent. Kudos to those that do this permanently- I am sure that you don't do it by choice but even if you do choose it- the road is still hard and you deserve recognition.

The first two nights were the hardest. It isn't so much that I can't handle my children- it's more that I just need a few extra hands for things like bath time and bed time that fall at the exact same time. I got a routine down though and after the first two nights I could bathe both children and put them to bed like a pro.

Honestly though, it was more than just being a single parent. If you know my husband and I you know that we are (sickeningly) close. Five nights apart was I think the longest we have ever been apart and I was just an emotional mess waiting for him to get home.

About six or seven years ago we had one weekend apart while I went to my grandparent's fiftieth wedding anniversary. I was such a wreck that I think I only packed shirts, no pants or shorts, forgot my glasses and had to wear my contacts 24/7, didn't bring my camera, and forgot half my toiletries. Unfortunately my grandparents live in a one-horse town that doesn't even have a Walmart so I was stuck going to some random store to try and find some clothes. Fortunately for me I have three sisters who are all very similar in size to me and one of my sisters brought half her closet. I got to shop out of her suitcase for all the things I forgot. Except the glasses. I was really out of luck there and I am pretty much blind. My contacts are not extended wear, so combine that with crying my eyes out for missing my husband and, well, it was not pretty.

I know that I originally posted about what an impatient person I am but I actually don't recall any times during the five days I had the girls where I was short with them. Well, I think once in the middle of the night when the girls were taking turns torturing me, but other than that I wonder if my well of patience got a little deeper.

We had a good time. We played and got silly. We kept the house tidy (although I don't know how). We went to the park. We sang ABC's until Hayley has them almost mastered now. All in all, I feel really good about the time I got to spend with my girls. I look forward to the next time and I do hope there is a next time. Someday I will be wishing they want to spend alone time with me so I am going to cherish it whenever I get it.