This One's for My Sister

It's tough being the oldest of four. It's tough being the oldest, period. Our parents expect more of us because we are the oldest. We know that we are being held to higher examples so our siblings will have someone to follow. I can't speak for all oldest children but I can say that I felt the need to be more and do more because well, I was the oldest.

I mothered my sisters their whole lives- and not because we didn't have a mother. I was told over and over again by our mother that she would take care of them- but I guess because I am the oldest, maybe because I am a Virgo, and maybe it's just because that's who I am- but I still felt the need to protect them and watch over them.

I'm a tough love kind of girl. Don't come to me for a sympathetic shoulder because you are not likely to get one. I'm going to tell you to "(wo)man up" and deal with it. I am a realist- which in my mind is neither an optimist or a pessimist. I call it like I see it- whether that's right or wrong is irrelevant.

I think because of my hard core approach my sisters tend to shy away from telling me their problems. And I do feel bad about that- because I wish that I could make myself more approachable. But I also want so much for them that I just don't want to see any of them go through heartache, heartbreak, or loss.

So when my baby sister finally admitted that they were struggling my heart immediately went out to her. All of my sisters make me so proud- but she is especially close to me because she works for me. I just didn't know what to say or do to help her. They had to find a new place to live- and in short order. She told me about how they found a house and put an offer and I gave her the third degree by asking why they offered full list price with no request for seller concessions. She told me that they would want/need to paint and replace carpet before moving in and I asked her why the carpets couldn't just be cleaned.

This went on and on. Apparently they looked at over 60 properties. They made offers on like ten or twelve of them. Every one of them was "the one" and every time she came to tell me about how the house hunt was going I told her to thicken up. I remember one day she was crying in my office- the emotional toll had gotten the best of her and she could take no more. I don't recall my specific response but I knew immediately from her body language it was the wrong one. I asked her what kind of reaction she had been expecting from me and she told me that she didn't know but that she didn't expect it to have been so harsh.

And so I have been working really hard at trying to soften my approach. I'm still tough love. I'm still a realist- but I am trying hard not to say out loud what I might really think. Want to know why? Because I guess maybe I finally get it. We are in the midst of our own emotional home buying experience.

This was the first home we looked at. We offered list price. (we did however ask for a seller concession). We knew exactly what we were getting into with it being a short sale- and honestly the longer it takes the more we benefit. By that I mean that if it takes four more months to close that is four more months we have to save some money, and the value of the property could potentially decrease more between now and then which only benefits us as we will get a decreased sales price.

However I now completely "Get" the paint, flooring, repairs thing. Originally when we looked at this house the reason we were so sold was because it really is move-in ready. I mean these people took such good care of this home that they even took the care to get the nail holes repaired and repainted in the home before it was shown. Who does that anymore? Especially if they aren't going to get any more money out of it for their extra efforts? So when we looked at it there were like four rooms that would need carpets replaced before we moved in- but I figured we could leave the rest until we had more liquid funds. And as far as paint went- I wasn't worried about that at all.

Yet here I am- it seems the longer we wait the more I come up with that I want fixed before we move in. If we are going to replace a few rooms of carpet, shouldn't we just do them all before we move in? If we are going to paint the girls rooms before we move, shouldn't we just get them all painted? Since we are going to put in flooring, why waste money by putting in carpet? If I want to put in wood floors or tile floors in some rooms, shouldn't I just do it all now? We have plantation shutters in the girls rooms now- and their new rooms have blinds, but shouldn't we just get the shutters put in before we move in so it will be one less thing to worry about? The kids rooms in the new house have wallpaper- and although it is cute wallpaper I don't dig it enough to keep it. So since we are going to have to strip wallpaper shouldn't we just put up wainscoting like we did in Hayley's room already? And shouldn't we just do that before we move in?

So to my dear baby sister and her partner- my deepest apologies. I get it. I mean, I really get it. I will try in the future to be more sympathetic to the cause. I will try not to whine and gripe about my own situation but if anyone comes to me in the future looking for a shoulder you might find that it has gotten softer than it was previously.

Comments

[Minnie]

As the oldest child myself I applaud you.
Well written my friend.

[Megan]

I am the oldest as well....I so feel your pain and will so learn from your example!!! :)

[Crys]

I too am the oldest and have always felt the same way. I'm also this type of girl:

"I'm a tough love kind of girl. Don't come to me for a sympathetic shoulder because you are not likely to get one. I'm going to tell you to "(wo)man up" and deal with it."

I totally felt your post! I too have had to be there for my younger sister and sometimes had to change my approach.