When exactly did I become her?

If I had a nickel for every time I said "When did those kids get so grown up?" I know I would have at least a handful of nickels. Maybe enough to roll them. But today I wondered, when exactly did I get so grown up?

I mean, it seems like just yesterday I was nine years old, it was summer time, and I was going around to all my neighbor's houses offering to sweep their porches for a quarter. I was a real entrepreneur. I knew in my right mind that no one was going to be so cheap as to only pay me a quarter- but neither could they turn down the good work ethic of a kid asking to do chores for twenty five cents. I made at least a buck per porch that summer- it was the equivalent of ten bucks an hour. In 1984. Not bad...

And then fast forward- I was in ninth grade. My best friend in ninth grade was a New Kids on the Block fanatic and I quickly became one too. We made prank calls to all the Subway sandwich shops in town asking if they would deliver. We found one with a hormone-driven sixteen year old on the other end who agreed to drive all the way over to our side of town after his shift. It was dangerous- and if I ever find out my girls are doing something like that I will, well, I don't know what I will do. But he wound up being a nice guy- and he could drive. We were only fourteen and he was sixteen- it was a big deal. My friend dated him and I dated his little brother- who was more age appropriate.

Minutes after that I was graduating high school- so excited to get out in "the real world". College was a blur- wasn't it for everyone? I got married when I was twenty four. A worldly, grown up twenty four.

I blinked and I became a mother. Time is moving at warp speed now and in just one brief moment I realized I grew up. I have responsibilities. I work full time, I am a manager and my staff depends on me. I have to make tough choices every day at work, sometimes I have to do things that I know my staff won't like or understand but I do them to protect my team. Sometimes that makes me unpopular.

I am a wife. I absolutely adore my husband and he and I couldn't be a better team. But my half of the responsibility to that team is keeping my household running. That means buying groceries, cooking dinner, paying the bills, doing the laundry, coordinating where we need to be, and when we need to be there.

I am a mother. This is the part that chokes me up. I am a mother. I am so grateful to be a mother- and yet tonight I think I finally realized exactly what that means. It means when I say I'm heading off to bed I check on my children first, tuck them back in, tidy up their rooms, and lay out their clothes for the morning. I love their sweet little sleep noises- and their peaceful expressions. I love their rambunctious moments. I ache for them when they hurt or are sick. It means that much like my job as a manager sometimes I will have to make unpopular decisions. Sometimes they will understand why and sometimes they will not. I will do everything I can to protect them, and also to teach them how to fly on their own.

You see, someday when they blink they too will realize they are all grown up. They will wonder when they became that grown up woman. They will be thankful for all of the opportunities they have had in their lives and they too will look forward to the many more experiences they have yet to see.

I hope to live more in the moment, so that one day I can look back and know that there wasn't an exact time that I became who I am, but more a combination of many times, and that I can remember all of my favorite ones.

Comments

[Crys]

I wonder that too sometimes. Even before I moved in with my fiance and the boys I've stopped and thought "oh lord, when did I become a grown up?"