The Not-So-Divine Secrets of -Motherhood-

This blog DOES exist!

So tonight Sammi was asking me about what her nursery looked like. I knew I had pictures of it, but the question was... Where? The phone I have is only a couple of years old. And when Sam was a baby, I had a Blackberry. So it wasn't likely that the pictures had been carried forward on my iCloud account. Wracking my brain, I thought, yes! I am sure I would have posted photos of the nursery on my blog! So I go to my blog site to see if there are any photos, and, whaaa? I get redirected to a widget site? Exactly how long has it been since I have blogged anyway? Apparently it has been so long that my credit card to pay the annual blog fee had expired and they gave up on trying to remind me to renew it. Also, maybe it has been so long that the word "blogging" now also refers to people who post videos on YouTube and not just these really fun diary-style entries you can read and vicariously follow. I will have it be known that "blogging" (when I started it) was particularly in the written format. Not that I am trying to age myself. When I discovered my blog was deactivated I broke into the coldest of sweat. I have posted several letters to my girls that I intended to compile into a book (which now may just be a pamphlet considering my lack of posting in the recent half-dozen years). But to think all of those heartfelt thoughts might be completely lost? I became frantic. Must. Recover. Lost. Blog. Luckily I was able to start with the basic password reset. It let me in. *Big Sigh of Relief* Then I entered an updated credit card. I *may* get five years worth of charges all at once. I will happily pay it to ensure I can recover my important memories which I failed to write down in a diary because I naively believed that I would blog regularly FOREVER. And so that brings me to today. Several years have passed. Like, so many years, you wouldn't even know my kids. So much has happened in our lives that I have failed to memorialize in a blog, I hope that Facebook never goes down or I may lose like half my memories. And heaven forbid if the picture storage there ever fails!! I've made this promise before (and sadly, I've broken it), but today I am making the commitment to myself to make time to blog. Even if it is just for myself. Today is the first day of forever. Cheers to all that is yet to come!

Dear Girls

October 8th, 2016

Dear Hayley and Samantha,

It has been years, YEARS since I last wrote a letter to you. "They" always say time goes faster than you know it. There's a country song by Kenny Chesney "Don't Blink" and part of the chorus goes "Don't blink. You just might miss your babies growing like mine did".....

I blinked.

Sammi, you just turned eight and Hayley is turning ten in a few short weeks. You are both growing into these amazing young women. Gone are the babies. Gone are the precocious toddlers. Gone are the excited pre-schoolers. All of those moments went so very, very fast - even those that felt like they would never pass (like the sleepless baby nights).

I have so many sweet memories of you guys and the things you have done but my single biggest fear is forgetting things. Things that warmed my heart when they happened but have since been moved off and out of my instant recall rolodex. And I think to myself, I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to forget even one of those amazing memories.

So that's why I need your help. I need both of you to help remember these fun things, these crazy things, these awesome things, these silly things, and sometimes yes, these sad things. Everyone remembers things slightly different and it's always amazing to hear things recounted by different people. I hope that the stories Momma loves the most are some of the stories you both love the most also. I hope there are stories you love the most that you keep close in your mind for the rest of your lives.

I am going to try harder to write down more of these stories when they happen so we can all read them again someday and even if we don't carry it as an instant recall, can look on them with fondness.

You see, whether we like it or not, we all have to blink.

I am so very, very proud of the beautiful people you both are. I am proud of your giving, loving spirits. I am proud that you are sensitive to others and have hearts as big as the whole wide world. I am proud that you are beautiful inside, the single place that counts the most.

I love you both more than you will ever know. Someday, if you have children of your own, you will know this crushing love that a parent feels for their child. It is unlike anything you can ever imagine - so sweet and tender and sometimes so frustrating.

Blink.

I love you to pieces,
Momma

In a blink....just like that

Once upon a time, I used to blog regularly. It was my creative outlet. Sometimes I had really witty things to say. Mostly though it was just a 'dear diary' sort of outlet. I had six loyal followers (among which included my Dad, a venting friend, a former coworker, and three others). Those were good times I tell you.

Then life caught up with me. I got busy with this amazing career. And I didn't make time. I'm #breathless at how fast life has gone. I was shocked to see my last blog post was *cough* January of 2014. Because, well, I'm starting to think of my New Year resolution already and if I were to blog about it then that would mean nearly two years have gone by between my blogs.

For a prolific person, this is indeed a sad time.

I am sad that I have missed two years of writing letters to my girls and am going to try to make that better. In two years they have practically grown up. I remember when they were babies and with the passing of just a few short weeks a whole new little person would emerge. Just think of how much growing they have done in two years!!

So I am going to get back on the bandwagon. Writing takes only a few minutes and the joy of reading back through my own blog is well worth the tiny amount per year that I pay for my blog membership. Although I would say, the last two years I may as well equate my blog membership to a gym membership - I signed up then didn't use it.

Starting right now I am going to get back on track! And I hope my Dad (and East Coast Jenn) keep me on track with posting. It's premature to think that I am going to get back to my Not-So-Divine-Secrets of Parenting just yet since I haven't been much of a parent in the last 14 months, but you'll see once I start catching up on the blogging.

Let's get this party started!

It's that time of year again...

Blah.

Blogging on Typepad from an iPad really stinks. I can't hyperlink, therefore I cannot remind you of my New Year's Resolution from last year. Which also means I cannot double my viewers from 6 to 12. I know, everyone has given up on my blog. It seems I have also.

Anyway, you know what time of year it is, right? The time of year where everyone makes false promises. The kind that mean well but don't get very far and instead make us feel like massive failures.

Did I get my closets organized? Somewhat.

Did I detach from technology? Not really. But then again, I did get a new job in late July so I'm back in the "proving stages" again. I would like to be back at the top of the game, where I had been with the company for 7.5 years and knew everything in and out. That will happen again... In about 6.5 more years.

Did I spend more time with my family? Well, I can't say I spent MORE time with them, but I certainly did make the MOST of the time I spent with them. We bought a boat in October and have really enjoyed getting our kids away from the tv on a regular basis. It also helps that we live in a beautiful climate and were able to go out on the lake both on Christmas Eve and New Years Day.

So what is the plan for this year?

Well, the plan is just to make it through the year. To constantly reevaluate what is working and what isn't. To squeeze in moments here and there and to not feel guilty for the moments that pass. There definitely are things I would love to have more control over but my lottery ticket has not yet paid off.

And there is this whole "work ethic" thing that is a life lesson. I started working, truly working, at 15.5 years old. I worked for a first generation dollar store. Actually, it was a ".99 Cent Store". And very little in the store was actually priced at .99 cents. But it ENDED in .99, which I am sure the CFPB would love these days. Bait and switch advertising? Yes please!

Anyway, I started my working career at the overripe age of 15.5 years old. I worked 60 hours a week. At 15.5, I had the energy to do so. It was six days a week, 10am to 8pm. Under the table, of course, but that's another story. My "minimum wage" lesson. It was a good one. Taught me never to discuss my salary with another employee and also was my very first foray (successful) at standing up for myself.

Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah. Work ethic. Does anyone have one these days? I'm cut from the "work until the job is done" cloth. Always have been. These days that's not the norm. I'm hoping to be able to pass along to my girls that when there is work to be done, you do it. There might not always be work so you have to take advantage. Kind of the "make hay while the sun is shining" philosophy.

So my thoughts for 2014?

Take advantage of whatever comes my way. Make the most of every moment. Clean closets if I have time. Don't stress about them if not. Feel good about the things I do instead of berating myself over the things I don't. Work hard. Play hard. Love. Love some more.

And given the rate I have been blogging, I might not be back online again until this time next year to figure out if my resolution was a success. Happy New Year to everyone and I hope you find peace with your resolutions! May this be (y)our best year yet!!

Black Friday 2013- Boycott!!

So last year I was absolutely FLABBERGASTED that Black Friday turned into an 8pm Thursday thing. If you remember, I boycotted it then too. But now? NOW they want to start at 6pm on Thursday night. And this, my friends, is where I wish I had BlogHer behind me to spread the outrage.

Does anyone else agree with me that there should be some sacred preservation of one of the last family holidays on the calendar?

For the record, I am not outraged at trying to protect shopping rights of every American on the traditional "Black Friday" holiday. But, dear friends, I ask of you, when did "Black Friday" turn into "Thanksgiving Thursday"???

What makes me sad is the fact that our state of economy has turned us into money-grubbing fools over &6.92 Tupperware. It makes me sad that unfortunately, there are many that will forsake their family dinner time so they can score a 50" tv for less than $300. At 6pm on Thanksgiving Thursday.

Maybe what makes me the saddest is that I used to really look forward to Black Friday. It used to be a "sport" for me. And now, the ads are leaked (by the actual retailers) well in advance of the holiday. And they start their sales at ridiculous hours that not only drag their own employees away from their family tables but drag us away from our tables as well.

And while I would love to "score" a deal just like the rest of America, I have decided that a $29 bicycle or a $197 television (while they are a good deal) just don't mean enough in my life for me to abdicate my family dinner table to beat off crowds of other shoppers.

The sad thing is, there will be those that absolutely have to hit these deals for it to make sense in their budget. And for those, I wish all the best. But for the rest of us that can make our budgets stretch a little farther or perhaps don't really NEED those luxuries.... I say..... BOYCOTT. Stay home with your family. Hit up the big retailers on Black Friday as you normally would.

If you want to know how my boycott went last year, I will tell you, I got every single thing I really wanted by waiting until roughly 6am Friday morning, even though the items went on sale at 8pm Friday night. I don't know whether that was because we were still in an economic slump or not but let me say one thing - do not be fooled. Just because commentary states that the economy is on the rebound does not mean that you can replace the cost of time spent with family.

Right now there are more people that have abdicated their job search to simply stay home with their family... keep in mind the the jobless numbers do not reflect this. And that the economic numbers do not ever reflect the value of "family time".

For those that have no economical choice, know that I do not judge you if you have to cave to the demands of the retailers on Grey Thursday. But I beg of you, if you have a choice, please, PLEASE, do not let yourself become a statistic that supports the retailers decision to continue moving up the opening times of "Black Friday". Right now, there is nothing "Friday" about this.

As for me, I plan to cook an enormous meal, open multiple bottles of wine, and enjoy every single MINUTE of time that I would not otherwise get with my family. While I have the luxury of paying full price for a bicycle or a TV (but would prefer not to) I will do so if I must, because preservation of one of the very last family holidays is important to me.

If it is important to you, please pass this along. Please send a message to our retailers. Their bottom line is important to them, and we understand that, but we are not willing to compromise ourselves and the value of the time with our family to enhance their bottom lines. So sorry that the number of shopping days between Thanksgiving and Christmas is shortened but hey, we didn't create the calendar. Retailers should plan ahead for that. Perhaps put things on sale BEFORE Black Friday.

If there are others like me, we are shopping in advance of this "holiday" that used to be a HOLIDAY so that we can reasonably forgo the madness and ridiculousness that comes with a "Black Friday" shopping sale that begins on Thanksgiving Thursday.

I just have one last thing to say and I don't really care if this angers people. This wouldn't happen in Canada. Protect the few last holidays we have as Americans. There really aren't many of them left. What, Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas? We don't even observe Easter as a United Nation anymore.

Come on citizens of the US. Be greater than your pocketbook. Stand together. I know you can....

Believe it or not, I am still here!!

Once upon a time I lived for the free moments in my day where I could recap something hilarious, or disappointing, or unknown in my blog. Those days were golden. Sometimes three whole days would pass before I got to blog again and I would be itching to get online. Heaven forbid an entire week would go by before I could blog. *gasp* Would I lose loyal followers? Would I lose my status with BlogHer?

HA!!!

I just realized I have blogged all of 3 times in the last 8 months. If anyone is even reading this it is by sheer luck and certainly not because I have anyone left among my original audience. Oh yeah, and BlogHer dropped me like a bad habit. This is how clueless I am... I don't even know when they did that? Because not only am I not blogging these days, I also am not reading my plethora of personal e-mail.

Nonetheless, I am here now, so let me just give you a quick update.

Life is good. Work is good. Both are busy. The end.

Just kidding. No, actually, in all seriousness, life really is good and work really is good. The only problem I have these days is that I live life in fast-forward but then again, that's really the only life I have ever known.

The kids are growing like weeds. Every time I turn around they are smarter, taller, and a little more independent. Mouthy too. But hey, I know their mother, so I guess I can forgive them that.

Work? Is work. And fun. If you have never had the opportunity to wake up each day and tell yourself you are exactly where you want to be in life then you probably need to start looking for your next opportunity. Because seriously, I love where I am right now. It is by no means easy and sometimes I miss out on things that I will probably kick myself for later in life but honestly, this is what I've always dreamed of. I absolutely could not imagine life any other way.

And me? Well... I'm on the tail end of my thirties and it's been a pretty good run. I've loved who I have become more and more every single year that passes. That whole "aging" thing has been good to me.

Sometimes I think back to who I was when I first started blogging. That nervous, somewhat insecure, neurotic being that found approximately six family members/friends to boost her confidence by reading this blog on a fairly regular basis. Not that blogging turned me into who I am today but it certainly has had a part in it. A sister can't forget her roots.

I've made false promises (to myself) about blogging regularly before. So instead of promising that I am going to be here regularly I am going to promise that I will lead a very exciting life and that someday (you never know just when) I will actually get online and blog about it. So (Dad) just keep checking back in. I will do my best to get back on this bandwagon soon.

Aug 4, 2013

I bet you are wondering where I have been? Well some days I wonder that myself. About a year ago I took a new job and it required quite a bit of travel. Now, don't get me wrong, traveling is glamorous and all... When you are traveling to exotic locations. For pleasure.

Not that travel for work is all that bad, because it actually isn't. You would be amazed at how many people travel for work and you begin to see their familiar faces over and over again as they are on the same circuit as you. Same thing for the flight crew. They begin to know you. It's kind of crazy but they become your family. The only thing about it is, well, you live out of a suitcase. Everything is rolled, unrolled, hung, rolled back up, stuffed back in your suitcase, and you get home just in time to throw it all in the dry cleaning bag and start all over again. You begin to think of your life in small increments. For example, travel sized toiletries. Your wardrobe is planned 5 days in advance at all times. There is no room for error. Heaven help you if your trip gets extended an extra day and you have only brought exactly the number of outfits you needed.

The thing about it is that I wouldn't trade it for anything right now. Well, maybe I would trade it for hitting the lottery. But other than that I wouldn't trade it for anything. And some days I have a tremendous guilt factor about this because I do have a family at home. But this is the means for providing for them and they have never once made me feel bad about it. My husband is seriously earning his place in heaven right now for keeping our entire life on track. He does EVERYTHING for me. He makes sure the bills are paid, the house is clean, the laundry is done, my dry cleaning is taken in and picked up.... He even puts gas in the car every weekend when I bring it home after a 5 day stay at the airport. I honestly could not do this without him, nor could I do it without his faith and support of me.

In 2005 I went to our corporate office and saw a tiny but powerful woman who became an inspiration for me. She was a VP and after watching her in action and knowing that she was responsible for 500 people I came home and said to my husband that someday I wanted to be the "VP of Something". I set myself a 5 year timeframe, which honestly was very ambitious. I never gave up sight of that goal even though the 5 years came and went.

I went to grad school. I wanted to give up halfway through because it seemed my life was falling apart around me. Work was crazy. They were shutting down my office and I was opening a new one for the same employer. My kids were babies. I was tired, all the time. More than tired, I was physically and mentally drained. My husband was my rock and kept me going. I can never repay him for that.

After I graduated, my company closed down permanently. I found a new home for myself and my entire team and was blessed with opportunity to join a company that gave me an opportunity to run their national operations team. I have spent the last year learning, working, growing, making some mistakes, learning some more, and, of course, traveling.

I just changed jobs this week and have finally become a "VP". It is bittersweet for me. This is what I have always dreamed of. What I have been working for. This is why I have given unconditionally of myself. But I had to leave behind an amazing group of people that I had come to love and yes, there is the ever-present demand of traveling (at least for now). I still have moments of guilt. I still sometimes think that my life is going much too quickly for me and that I am someday going to look back and wonder if I made the right choices. But the thing is, I believe that as long as you are pursuing what makes you happy at the time, you can never doubt yourself. You will never live with regret.

I used to think that I was a bad mom because I wanted to have a career and be a mother. I no longer believe that. There might be those that would disagree with me. There might be those that think I should put my children ahead of anything I do and that I should not be pursuing my career while my kids are so young. To that I would say that I am offering my children a firsthand look at what it takes to pursue your dreams. To believe in yourself. And to make every minute count.

Dear Hayley

May 26, 2013

Dear Hayley,

My dear, sweet, oldest child.... Time has gone so quickly already! I look at you and it is hard for me to believe you are six and a half years old. You just finished first grade and are excited to begin your summer break before your second grade adventure begins.

You love to read. You love to play games on the iPad and you are probably more proficient at using it than even Mama is. You send me text messages, which I love receiving. And still, I cannot believe I am receiving text messages from my six year old. I know your generation will be more technologically advanced than mine, and for that I am excited to see what you are capable of.

When I look at you and see how tiny you are it is sometimes hard for me to let you do things all by yourself. I want to protect you forever! But I do know that you are going to need to learn how to do things for yourself and that means that sometimes you are going to get hurt in the process.

All I can hope for is that I can teach you how to be strong enough to recover when you get hurt, to continue to love, and to be true to yourself even if others do not support you. There will be a time in your life where it will be very difficult for you to choose- because the path between "right" and "friends" will split. And you may have to choose the path of "right" instead of the path of "friends". That will be one of the hardest choices you will have to make and I hope that even if you do not feel strong enough to take the right path that you will search deep and find it in you. Sometimes you may wind up choosing the path of "friends" instead of "right" and you may be disappointed to discover your friends aren't really friends. That happens. Just know that those that love you the most, those that are your real friends will be there for you no matter what. They will love you and support you even in your darkest of times.

I want to teach you to love, to be compassionate, to be kind, and caring, and classy. I want to teach you how to stand up for yourself, and to stand up for others.

In return, you have already taught me to love deeper than I ever thought I could. You have taught me what true, unconditional love really is. You have taught me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be, that I would do anything to give my children everything.

Someday you will probably think that I am the meanest mom on the planet. That I am doing things because I do not understand you, or because I do not love you. I probably will never be the "cool mom". The reason for this is because I am your mom. I am here to teach you how to fly on your own. I am dreading the day when you spread those wings and fly away from me so in the mean time I am here to teach you how to navigate through some of life's toughest challenges. That includes making you do things you aren't going to want to do, like chores. It also means teaching you how to abide by rules, like curfew. And it means teaching you how to value yourself by doing things like limiting what you wear out, who you hang around with, and where you hang out.

It's hard for me to look at you at six and a half years old and think sometime in the not-too-distant future you are going to break my heart. You aren't going to want my opinion or my help. You are going to become independent, which is what I am teaching you. And although I will be proud of you for learning what I am teaching it will absolutely break my heart when you no longer need me for everything. It brings me to tears just thinking about it right now. But that's what we do, right? We learn how to love deeply and when our heart does hurt we learn how to get through it. Because the truth is, it wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love you so much and I wouldn't want to live that way either.

Love deeply. Live with passion and compassion. Know that you are loved more than you will ever know. I am so very blessed to have you to teach me the things you have taught me and I look forward to everything I have yet to learn.

I love you my sweet girl. Love, Mama

Dear Samantha

May 25, 2013

Dear Samantha,

These days it seems you are growing so quickly I cannot keep up. You are in the 97th percentile for height in your age group, which means you are but one inch shorter than Hayley (who happens to be in the lowest percentile for her age group). Sometimes because you are so tall I forget that you are still so young.

One thing is for sure, you will always be my baby. You love to snuggle and will climb up in the chair with me just to watch TV. It's those ordinary moments that I file away in my mind to remember later when you decide you are too old to be my snuggle bug. I am certain that day will come much too soon for me. Just know that no matter what, Mama will always be here to snuggle you no matter how old you are.

I haven't written you any letters in a long time, and for that I feel bad. Someday I want you to look back on all of the letters I have written you and I want you to see yourself through my eyes. Someday you may not believe how much you are loved, or how beautiful you are, but the truth is that you are loved more than you will ever know and you are beautiful inside and out.

You are fiercely independent yet have a very sensitive heart. You don't let your guard down very often, which reminds me of someone else you might know. And just from one to another, let me tell you that it is absolutely ok to be strong, independent, and to do things for yourself. But someday there will come a time when you want or need someone to help you, and it is OK to invite them into your heart. It is OK to say you can't do it all by yourself. And it is OK to ask for help. If you are anything like this certain someone I know then you may not want to do any of those things for fear of letting someone down. But the truth is, you will always be strong and independent. Asking for help won't make you any less strong or any less independent. And letting people into your sensitive heart may open you up to be hurt, but that will be ok too. Because you see, until your heart has been broken, until you have truly shown what is inside of you to someone else even you will not know what you are fully capable of.

There may be times in your life that someone will let you down. Just remember, we hold the bar higher for ourselves than we hold it for anyone else. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else would be on us. That's what makes us who we are. We are proud, we are driven, we are strong. We love and are loved. I look at you at four years old and I am so proud of who you are. I am proud to be your Mama. And I know that you are going to "make a difference" in this world.

Just be yourself my sweet girl. Be kind hearted. Be loving. Be forgiving. Be gracious. Be classy. Be true to yourself and to those around you.

I love you more than you will ever know and yes, there are times you have already broken my sensitive heart. There will be more times in the future. But you will forever have my heart and I will forever love you. Even when I am hard on you, or when I expect more of you than you think I should, I do it because I love you. Because I know what you are capable of.

I love you my little snuggle bug!

Love, Mama

Venting Weekend: The Results

There really aren't many "rules" to our Venting Weekend. Aside from a few basics:

1. Don't steal the towels.

2. Keep an open mind.

3. Remember that there are no facades and no reason to be someone you aren't.

 

Of course, none of these rules are written, nor were they ever spoken. I think it's just my basic understanding of how to make the most of the weekend. And I have to say, yet another Venting Weekend went down in history as one of the best.

I mean, five days of some very fun, very CRAZY moments. Laughing until we had tears running down our cheeks. Talking about things we probably wouldn't bring up with anyone else. Shedding tears that we didn't realize we had in us for things we never realized we wanted to let out. Acceptance of the things we cannot change. Validation from others that we are good moms, good wives, good sisters, good daughters, and good friends.

Not that I am complaining about being a woman, because I certainly am not but we discovered via simultaneous texts from several husbands that men all think almost EXACTLY alike. Women are certainly much more complex creatures. Men? Basic. Not to be offensive. But seriously, I'm sure the men all thought we were having a slumber party and pillow fights. Ummmm. Yeah, we were doing something like that.

In the end we all hugged each other through more tears (not to make it sound like we were emotional wrecks because we weren't) and we promised that the next great Vent would be held in Hawaii. I came home with my heart full and even more thankful than ever for the blessings I have in my life and for the friends, near and far, that help me realize those blessings. I learned to let loose a little more. To love and let myself be loved a little more. And to be less of a critic of myself.

It sounds very deep, like all of a sudden I am a newfound person. I'm not. I will probably lapse back into that tough, self-critical, hard-a$$ that I usually am. But if I do that it will be because that's who I am, and not because that's who I think other people want me to be. But I know in my heart that women all push themselves harder than they should because they look at other women and think "if she can do it, so can I". And while I know that we do this and I know we don't have to, I also know it's probably our inherent nature to do so.

Actually I am stronger than I ever thought I would be, I love more than I ever thought I could, and I work harder than I probably have to. And I am ok with all of that.

Mrs. Mom

About two years ago a couple of things happened. One, my husband was a casualty in the closure of our office. At that time he was completely burned out and we made the conscious decision to have him stay home for awhile to "decompress". We knew our children would only be little for so long and that this was a golden opportunity for us to have that stay at home parent that we originally agreed upon before having kids (although we initially thought it would be me). The second thing that happened was that my career took a turn and went into overdrive.

It really was the perfect storm. There is just no way I could have taken on the position I took on if he had been working full time as well, considering I had to travel occasionally and also had to put in 14 hour days on a regular basis.

It was an adjustment for him as well, considering he became solely responsible for everything household-related, including paying the bills, laundry, and most of the cleaning on top of shuttling kids everywhere, making lunches, and coordinating dry-cleaning drop off's and pickups. If you don't believe that being a stay-at-home-parent is a full time job you probably better think again.

So initially we thought maybe he would spend the summer at home with the kids then look to go back to work in the fall. Then we decided maybe we would get through the fall semester and he would look in the spring. Then somewhere in the middle of all of that, my company shut down and I took on a new challenge, one that has taken me in yet another direction. And now? Now I couldn't fathom him going back to work until Sam is probably in first grade. At least not full time.

But I digress. The thing is, in the last two years he has seriously become Super Dad. I mean, he can get stains out of the childrens clothing like I never could. He volunteers in Hayley's school several times a week (which she LOVES). He keeps our house and our life in order. He has the perfect routine for getting the kids up and out the door to school every single morning and he also has the perfect routine for homework and dinner every night. I adore him.

It also means that because of my career change and my travel schedule I am less involved with these kinds of details and therefore am not very good at them. Initially I carried a tremendous amount of guilt over this, and sometimes if you catch me in a particularly emotional moment I will confess to that. But these days I mostly try to recognize that it is absolutely ok for the traditional role to be switched and that my girls still have loving parents, regardless of what functions we perform in their lives. I keep trying to tell myself that I am also teaching them it is ok to be strong, independent, driven, successful women.

Nonetheless, in the last two years I have not spent much of my time doing the regular morning-nighttime routine. My husband had to go out of town this weekend so it was my responsibility to pick the kids up from school and make them dinner last night. Picking them up wasn't a problem but when it came to figuring out dinner I was at a complete loss. If you have seen my pantry (and I know many of you have) you would know there is certainly no food shortage in this house. Also I really do enjoy cooking. The only problem is that the things I like to cook are not the same things my kids like to eat.

Driving Hayley home from school I suddenly had a thought. Cook something I am always good at and they always eat. Breakfast.

The kids thought I was the coolest mom ever but all I could think about as I was tackling the evening routine was the movie "Mr. Mom" and for some reason the scene that kept coming to mind was when he was drying the baby's bum in front of the air dryer in the bathroom.

Is this what I have become? Mrs. Mom?

I chuckle a little to think of it and (at least at this moment in time) I'm not completely bothered by not being the perfect mom. I mean, even the perfect moms have their inadequacies. I am providing a good life for my family and my children know how much I love them. That's all that counts. So what if I don't know all of the tiny details. That's why families have two parents. And for those families that do it with only one parent, much credit to you.

In the mean time I am just happy that my kids ate dinner last night (three helpings) and asked for the exact same thing this morning for breakfast, which I competently prepared.

Just call me Mrs. Mom please.

Venting Weekend 2013

The story began, what, nine years ago now? Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that it has been that long. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday.

It all started with this little chat board on BabyCenter. If you know me at all or have been reading my blog for the last 7 years you will know that I had a hard time getting pregnant with my first child. By hard time, I mean, 20 months of unexplained infertility. During that 20 months I wished and hoped for a logical explanation, that they would find SOMETHING wrong with me or my husband because if they did, well, then we had a chance to find a treatment that would help us conceive or we would at least know WHY we couldn’t conceive.

, nothing. We ran through the gamut of tests which revealed two fairly healthy adults. I went on fertility medication for four months with absolutely no results. We tried every possible combination of everything you can imagine (and yes, I will have to leave it up to your imagination) and yet, each month was a BFN (big fat negative).

Fairly early into the infertility journey I became an online fanatic. I want to say it was after about three months of unsuccessful attempts that drove me to the internet in search of, well, the solution. Yes, I am a control freak. I knew all about the birds and the bees, but hey, people randomly get pregnant all the time right? So I needed answers on how to get pregnant. On command of course. Because I did have a schedule already planned out and every month that I wasn’t pregnant caused a delay in some other aspect of my life.

HA!! As if…

Nonetheless, I forget how I wound up there but ultimately I found tons and tons of chat boards and “threads” relating to fertility/infertility, parenting, and everything else in between. I “lurked” on some of them for awhile but it was intimidating to think of jumping into the middle of a thread as some of them could be very catty to newcomers.

I wish I could remember exactly how I wound up on the “Just Need to Vent” thread but, well, that was nine years ago or so. I don’t really remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday. The thing about the Venting thread was that these women were all KIND to one another. Welcoming. Helpful. Understanding. Gracious.

They became my “friends”.

We welcomed so many newcomers to our thread that each month we had to start the thread over again as the conversation history was so large the thread was unmanageable. Some came and stayed while others popped in and then left.

All told, I think there were about 15 of us “regulars”. We celebrated each other’s pregnancies and we were there for one another’s losses. We shared plenty of intimate details about our lives probably because there was some level of anonymity in the online forum. I mean, really, when would you ever meet these people face to face?

And then there was Venting Weekend 2012.

It’s not easy to coordinate a “reunion” trip for people that have never officially met face to face. Thank heaven for Facebook or I am certain we would have all lost touch with one another. I don’t know about the others but I, for one, do not have time to troll chat boards anymore.

So when we all started throwing around the idea of getting together for a face to face girls weekend it was thrilling, exhilarating, and, well, slightly scary. Would one of us turn out to be a serial stalker? How about a 50 year old man? Or would it just turn out that even though we love each other’s online persona we absolutely could not stand each other in real life?

Turns out we had nothing to worry about. We spent a glorious five days connecting beyond our “profiles” and found we really were “friends”, which then became true friends because we had officially met in person. At the end of Venting Weekend 2012 we parted with tears and a promise to do it again. We weren’t sure if we were going to be able to swing a yearly trip, or make it every other year or even every few years, but we knew that we were going to get together once again.

Fast forward approximately one year to the week. I am on a plane right now heading to the East Coast for Venting Weekend 2013. I can’t believe we were able to pull it off so quickly (well, one year really can be considered quick for all the details that have to go into this). I am excited to see my friends again, to catch up on all the little things we don’t see or hear about through Facebook and to just spend some time reconnecting with people that probably know more about me and my challenges than anyone else. This is a group of women that I can speak candidly with about everything from my manic mood swings to my personal guilt levels for being a career mom. They don’t judge me. They listen to me, they offer advice, and when they have no advice to give, they offer a shoulder to lean and cry on.

I never in a million years thought I would find a group of women spread all across the globe that I love and cherish as much as these ladies but I am so very thankful for the challenges that have brought all of us together. I would never wish infertility, explained or unexplained on anyone. It is heart-wrenching and devastating. But through the storm a rainbow has appeared and for that I will forever be thankful. L

et Venting Weekend 2013 commence!

I love this time of year

My favorite time of year is typically fall. I love it when the air cools down at night, is crisp in the morning and warm during the day, and I love the smell of the leaves drying out. Fall isn't quite the same in the desert southwest as it is almost everywhere else. For example, our leaves don't turn colors. Most times they don't even turn brown or fall off the trees but there is still something special about fall. I love the colors, the fragrances, and the impending holiday rush that comes just after.

However I have also decided that I love spring also, especially spring in the desert southwest. The sun is shining, the air is warm, and I just feel totally motivated to do things I haven't felt like doing in months- like exercising, cleaning out closets, and starting new home improvement projects.

Yesterday we officially opened the pool season here. We heated the pool thirty degrees bringing it from a chilly 56 to a lovely 86 (ouch- that gas bill is going to be lovely) and we let our kids swim to their heart's content. I love it when I am able to peel them away from their iGadgets long enough to get some fresh air and natural exercise.

Today I am going to clean out a few more closets, organize a bunch more junk, go for a run on the treadmill, then throw on a tank top and shorts so I can go do some yardwork.

AHHH. I love this time of year.

DIY Bathroom Makeover

Several months ago I started this DIY Bathroom Makeover. Theoretically, it should have been done within two weekends. Or three.

Or three months. Whatever.

Actually, the project itself was officially done within the first 30 days. But it took me another 60 days to find the perfect centerpiece for the bathroom counter. And also I spent that 60 days debating whether I should re-do the gigantic mirror like this instead. Darn you Pinterest. Somewhere in the middle, I also came across this lovely little Pinterest find, and well, I knew I had limited time and patience with which to finish this project. So the quicker and cheaper project prevailed.

However, I love, love, LOVE how it turned out. Actually, once it was all said and done, made me want to re-do every single mirror in this blessed house. So... On with the pictures right?

Well here's the thing, I have pretty nice cabinets. Like two thousand, four hundred, ninety-two of them in this house. But they are definitely NOT my style. My house was built in 2003, back on the tail end of that "honey" oak color that was popular. So although the cabinets themselves are of a decent grade, they are definitely not a color that I am fond of. 

Anyway, I was surfing Pinterest one fine Saturday morning when I came across this life-changing post at MonicaWantsIt. Her tutorial on using gel stain on existing cabinets was not only easy to follow, but was exactly the inspiration I needed. I promptly got online, hunted down some General Finishes Java Gel Stain, and got ready to modernize my cabinets for less than $150. I enlisted the help of my sister and her partner, and I promptly began my refinishing project. Initially, I wanted to do the kitchen right off the bat but my husband (thankfully) talked me out of that. He suggested I practice on a room that has much less traffic. That, my friends, is how I began with the bathroom.

So here is what I started with. Note several things. Builder grade mirror. Builder grade light fixtures. Honey-oak cabinets. I must apologize because I did not take very many "before" photos. What can I say, I'm a total amateur at this makeover stuff. I'll do better on my next project.

Ok, so this isn't a tutorial for this project but if you are looking for the tutorial, click here. And because this isn't the tutorial, I am going to spare you all the fun pictures of the junk I hide behind those cabinet doors. I will, however, show you a closeup of one of these cabinet doors after I gave it the "light" sanding per the tutorial. And yes folks, this project really is as simple as the tutorial suggests. No hidden "Pinterest-gone-wrong" here.

So I followed all of the appropriate steps per the tutorial. Three coats of stain. Two coats of poly. Added hardware. Then I found a finish for the mirror and yes, this was an AWESOME and CHEAP bathroom makeover. I do want to repaint the entire bathroom again but, well, my husband doesn't love when I paint even though I don't ask him to help me. So paint is probably out, but at least I am still happy with the way it looks on the whole, so the paint can stay. For now.

 

And here is the big reveal:

 

So I mentioned that it took me a long, long time to find the perfect centerpiece for the bathroom counter. I'm not kidding. And the irony of that comment is not lost on me, the fact that I was looking for a centerpiece for a bathroom counter. But seriously, I needed something to break up that huge bathroom counter and even huge-r bathroom mirror. So with a little patience (again, I'm not really good at that stuff) and a whole lot of luck, I came across exactly what I pictured in my mind. Ikea vase, $15. Individual stems from Hobby Lobby (mostly full price because I could not wait for them to go on sale) $65.

And yes, that was the finishing touch.

You may be wondering about the wire shelves I had installed below the cabinet. Yes, now I realize they are not that beautiful, but I am mostly about function and not always about beauty. It's that not-so-soft-and-fluffy part of me. I needed a place to store towels and this was totally wasted space so it worked perfectly.

So.... I have only fourteen rooms that have cabinets in them. And yes, I do plan to refinish the rest of them. Someday.

Mean Girls start young

One thing about me- I never really thought I was cut out to mother girls. There are a number of reasons for this. For starters, I just don't think of myself as girly enough to teach them all that cool stuff they will need to know. Like how to pick the perfect outfit. Or wear makeup. Or accessorize. Also I'm just not that soft and fluffy. I'm really a tough-love kind of girl. I'm half convinced that deep down I am mostly male when it comes to that stuff.

But aside from lacking in the feminine exterior knowledge, I really am very sensitive when it comes to inclusion and thinking of how others might feel. I want my girls to learn to never exclude others, to be kind in their thoughts and words, and to treat all people equal. I'm sure we've all had those experiences in our lives where we have been hurt by actions and comments of others - I've probably stored those up in a giant catalogue in my mind and can recall the most hurtful ones at any given moment. It's because all of those instances where I have been hurt have taught me to never repeat those to others.

So with that in mind, I've been trying to teach my girls how to be kind to each other and to others. Last weekend Hayley had what I think is her first real exposure to outside Mean Girls. She has a little friend that lives a few houses away from us. This girl is in the same class as Hayley but is about 8 months older and two feet taller than Hayley. I fully expect that this is going to be a problem for Hayley her whole life for two reasons, one, she tested into school as she didn't make the birthday cutoff so she will always be the youngest in her class. And two, for some reason even though Hayley was 8 pounds 6 ounces at birth she has somehow turned into this tiny little thing which makes me feel even more protective of her than ever.

Hayley was acting out last weekend so I put her in her room to think about it. She was crying and told me that her friend had called her a baby, said she talked like a baby, and looked like a baby. It had obviously been bothering her all day. I was at a loss for how to help her as I didn't think it would really start this early. She is six years old for heaven's sake!

For everything I am doing to help her treat others nicely, I am not sure how to help her defend herself against those that don't treat her nicely. I was lucky enough to have a younger sister that defended me. When girls were mean to me, I brought out my younger sister Sara, who would get right in their faces and bully them into leaving me alone. Somehow I don't think that's the right way to help Hayley, to teach Sam how to become her "heavy".

So the only advice I could give her was to tell her friend that she would not accept that treatment from her. To tell her friend if she was not going to be kind to Hayley that they could not be friends. I hope I can teach her to be strong enough to stand up to people that treat her that way, even if they are the most popular kids. Mean girls are just a fact of life. I don't know why that is. I don't know what makes girls behave that way and I don't know what we, as parents, can do to help them through that terrible phase. I also didn't know that it was going to start so young. All I can hope for is that I can teach my girls to always treat other girls nicely and to have the confidence to walk away from those that don't treat them with the same kindness and respect.

Please let me make my way through this without my heart breaking all over again.

I am soooo not cut out to be a teacher

One, let me just say I truly respect teachers. Like, way more than they will ever know. Two, I am totally NOT cut out to be a teacher in any way, shape, or form. Thank heaven I changed my major in college. I mean, I originally majored in elementary education. There is just NO WAY I could do that job without going insane.

The thing about me is that I have no patience.

What? You already know this about me? I still amaze myself at how very little patience I really have, that's how bad it is.

So I'm sitting at the table with Hayley tonight trying to help her with her math homework. First of all, I am not a math person. Well, I am not a geometry/calculus person. I AM a math person, as in regular math and most algebra. I can whip out addition and subtraction usually in a nano-second. People that cannot add, subtact, or multiply on the fly usually drive me batty. But I mean, why do you need to do those things anymore? Isn't there an app for that?

So anyway, I'm helping Hayley with her simple subtraction homework. The question is, what is 17-8? She rolls her eyes up, starts looking for the magic answer in the blank space behind her eyeball, and says "8?".

Ummmm. Patience over.

So I try - very hard I might add- to teach her how 17-10=7, so 17-9 would always be one more. That method wasn't working. I forget that she's only six.

After running through a bazillion equations and her not getting my method I decided to switch gears. Let's draw sticks. Draw 17 sticks. Then "take away" (draw a circle around) 8 sticks. How many sticks are left?

Voila. That was the magic ticket.

We went through several equations and she was getting them mostly right. Except when she drew too many sticks. Or drew her line around too many sticks. I realized though that she really is a visual learner (like I am) and that she is wrestling with "guessing" the answers because she has no visual cues to help her solve the problem.

So I asked her "how do you do this math at school?". And she tells me she has a number line.

A what? I have no idea what a number line is and actually, I'm not sure if that is advantageous to her learning eventually how to do math in her head or not?

I do know one thing for sure. I am totally not cut out to be a teacher. I totally respect the job our teachers do. And I will be handing her off to her Dad when it comes time to do anything beyond addition, subtraction, and multiplication.

 

 

The water pitcher lesson

Some time ago, when my husband and I moved into our first home together I was consumed with home decorating. I wanted it to be perfect and I had these mental images of exactly what I wanted each room to look like. Funny side note, I've looked back on photos of our townhouse and, well, let me just say my decorating style was horrendous. But I digress.

So we had a good sized kitchen for a townhouse, with lots of kitchen cabinets. I decided I wanted to have decorative items adorning the tops of the cabinets. Dust collectors if you ask me now, but yes, I wanted lots of things on top of the cabinets. I had a few decorative glass jars and whatnot, I was just looking for the perfect metal water pitcher to really "country" it up. Again, looking back..... Well let me just say I'm glad I outgrew that.

I wandered through many places looking for the perfect water pitcher. Low and behold, I found it at TJ Maxx. It was exactly what I had been picturing. Exactly. But it was $20 and during those days $20 may as well have been $2000. It would have been an extravagant expense for something that was mainly intended to be decorational. (If that is a word?) I decided to go home and think about whether I wanted it bad enough to blow two whole weeks worth of fun money. That's what they tell you to do when you are trying to learn how to budget and keep track of your money. Don't make instant purchases. Go home and think about them and if you really still want them, then go back.

Only it doesn't really work that way.

At least not when you are shopping places like Ross, TJ Maxx, Home Goods, etc. Because of course, they probably only have ONE of those items and will probably only get it ONCE. Which means, if you don't buy it rightthissecond you likely will not find it when you go back the next day.

Of course that was what happened to me.

I went home, looked again at that empty space above my cabinet and just knew in my heart that it would be $20 well spent. I went back to the store the following morning and you know exactly what happened. It was gone.

I lamented to my husband about how I wish I had purchased it when it was there, I could always have taken it back if I decided it wasn't worth the money. Over the last 13 years my husband and I have recounted that story numerous times. Whenever there is a purchase I am considering making, I usually just remember the water pitcher and go ahead and buy it even if I am not sure. Frankly, I have also returned a considerable amount of purchases because after I get them home and think about them I decide I didn't want them after all, but I haven't had to worry that they won't be there later because I do just go ahead and buy them.

You would think I had learned.

So lately with all the fun things I have found on Pinterest I have really been coveting a stand mixer. The big, bells-and-whistles-grade KitchenAid. I looked at it just before Christmas, where Costco had it on sale. I decided it would be selfish for me to buy myself something at Christmas, so I passed it up. But last week I again started to feel the pull of owning a stand mixer because I came across about ten more recipes on Pinterest that I would really need one for.

I struck a deal with my husband. I have a ton of what I call "product" from my old Ebay days. I decided I would dig out my "product" get rid of it once and for all, and the profits from my sale could go toward a new stand mixer. Timing was actually perfect because Kohls had the mixer on sale, plus my 30% off coupon would make it right around $150. That is a STEAL for that mixer.

I listed a ton of product and immediately most of it had bids or had sold via buy-it-now. I was up to about $100 in sales within the first four hours. I went to Kohls.com and put the mixer in my basket. I wanted to make sure I hit the $150 mark in accordance with the deal I made with my husband.

Here is where I am just saying to myself "remember the water pitcher?". I am at the $150 mark on my product sales so I go back online to actually purchase the mixer and I'm sure you know where this is going. Not only is it no longer in my basket, it is no longer even online! Meaning, they just don't even have it anymore!!! Seriously? ARGH!!!

So today's lesson, learned once thirteen years ago and again today is just to buy a deal when you find it. You can always take it back if it isn't what you wanted or if it isn't really in the budget. Just remember the water pitcher.

Not So Divine Secret #19

Secret #19?

It's the secret every parent asks about. How am I ever going to make it through this?

Seriously. There are those parents that are totally textbook. They live with hearts and roses. Blog about how beautiful life is. Their children do no wrong. They never have to raise their voices. They never growl in frustration.

And then there's the rest of us.

Prime example. Whenever we have to be somewhere- at a specific time, mind you- and I would like my children to wear something specific - i.e. no holes, and somewhat matching, as well as would like my girls to have their hair combed..... Well.... You might as well light a match to a gaseous bomb. Yes. My children are intuitive enough to know exactly which buttons of mine to push. (Mo-om, I am NOT going to wear the matching tights to this dress... I want to wear these random leggings under my dress!) Oh yeah, and "Nooooo... I am NOT going to comb my hair or brush my teeth...."

Then I wind up working up a sweat fighting them the whole time. We go head to head, sometimes I win and sometimes I lose, and then we head out the door to whatever our destination is.

I'm just saying, there is nothing divine about this secret. It sucks. I don't always win, and sometimes even when I do it is after a lengthy battle in which I could care less who wins. I ask myself "will I really make it"? And then I tell myself, a bazillion people blazed this path before me and lived, so I have to guess that I will make it too.

But still... it doesn't really make it any easier. I just hope I can really make it through all of this.

 

Not So Divine Secret #18

I don't think I really have any order to my parenting secrets. And actually, I'm sure my secrets aren't really secrets. Parents that have all gone through these same things are nodding their heads saying, yes, yes, yes when I am blogging about the things I am experiencing as a parent. But since I didn't get a manual with my children when I had them, this is becoming my manual. Albeit after the fact.

So this secret is all about manipulating kids to do what you want. Because it is never as easy as just asking them to go put on their black leggings and pink shirt. I mean, if you do that, undoubtedly they will refuse to put on their black leggings and pink shirt. Instead they will come out in a sundress (when it is 36 degrees out).

I owe this success of this secret to my husband as he learned it before me. Sam is stubborn as a mule just like me and simply will not be told what to do. However, being bossy the parent, I refuse to allow my child to dictate how things will go around here. Instead, what tends to happen is she digs in her heels, and I dig in my heels, and we battle head to head, sometimes for an hour or more, and we typically both wind up screaming at each other. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I don't. It is not ideal.

My husband, saint that he is, learned that when he wants the girls to do something or wear something he presents the option he DOESN'T want them to take first, then gives them the option he wants them to take next. See, that psychology degree has paid off for him too! Something about the order in which they hear their options plays into their mindset about what they want to do.

Here is how it works:

ME: Sam, you can wear this dress today. Or you can wear these black leggings and this super cute pink shirt. 

SAM: The leggings!!

OR SOMETIMES:

SAM: The dress AND the leggings!

Which is ok too. Because it means at least she is complying with what I really wanted to start with, which was warm clothing. But this concept works in more than just what I want her to wear. I do this with everything. Do you want to play in the toy room or play outside? Do you want to play a game or do you want to color?

Yes people, Not So Divine Secret #18 is that not only can children be manipulated, but they are manipulating you as well. You just have to be the smarter one. And sometimes, you just have to be the stronger willed one. As soon as you let them out-manipulate you, you have lost not only the little battle but probably the bigger one as well.

Resolutions? Why bother....

I've scrolled back through my blog and it's amusing to me to see my resolutions each year, made with the best of intentions. If I was truly able to uphold them I would certainly be emotionally centered, organized, and just generally Super Mom.

But you all know that resolutions are just dreams right? I mean, there are some people that are able to make their resolutions a reality, and to them I say "good for you!". But for the rest of us, we have the best of intentions, we examine our every little insecurity, we think up things that we really want to change about ourselves and we voice (or write) them as if that will make us 100% accountable.

Maybe we start off with a real bang, maybe we gain a little traction, and maybe we are even able to follow through for awhile. But something usually happens. I think it's called life. And then we either shift direction, or lapse into old habits.

So this year I'm not really going to make a resolution. It's not that there aren't things I would like to change. No, I know that there are lots of things I need to do differently. I need to eat better, for one. I need to get some exercise. I need to make some time for myself. I need to spend more quality time with my kids. I need to clean out my closets and alllow myself to part ways with things I have been holding onto for too long. I need to make more time for my friends. I need to "detach" a little more from technology.

See what I mean? There really are things I need to do differently. Better. But I know my own limitations and I'm not likely to be able to do all of these things. And by choosing just one I will feel like I'm focusing on a failure that if I am unable to completely overcome, will only become an even worse failure.

It's not that I am giving up before even starting. Instead, this year, my resolution-that's-not-a-resolution is "awareness".  I'm not going to be able to fix all of my flaws and THAT'S OK. I'm not going to make myself feel bad about them. I am going to be more aware of the things I would like to do differently. If I can do them differently, then I will. If I cannot, then I will at least be aware of them. I will not set myself up to fail.

Resolutions aren't for everyone. They're not for this girl. Whatever your resolution is, I hope that you find success with it. But if you choose like I did not to force yourself to claim a specific one, well, know that you've already set yourself on a path for success.